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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18725
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I left my boyfriend of 5 years and moved 500 miles from him,

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I left my boyfriend of 5 years and moved 500 miles from him, because he wouldn't help me pay the bills or work and we fought alot because of this. He didn't want me to leave and has wanted me to come back. It's been 9 months since I've moved and I've visited him twice. I thought I was kind of over him. But two months ago he stopped calling and I said I was thinking of visiting him in January and he said that month wasn't good for him b/c he might be in and out of town. But my question is why do I want him when I can't have him? B/c I could've had him all this time but know that he is pulling back, I desperately want him.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

What you're doing/feeling is not uncommon; you want something you can't have, and once you can have it, you're no longer interested.

It's time for you to move on in your life, and if you were to go back to him, the same cycle would repeat, so it wouldn't be good for either of you. He might seem to be pulling back and/or not seem as attentive as before, because HE'S moving on in his life and most likely is dating. I know the thought of this is painful to you, but it's probably the reason he's not keeping in touch as much.

I think you're very smart and you did the right thing in leaving because he wasn't helping pay the bills and wasn't working. You couldn't keep on working and paying the bills while he didn't participate.

I don't think there still IS a relationship, not the way it was, before, so it would be a smart move for you to stop calling him and try to move on in your life. You only desperately want him back when he shows indifference, and this is human nature, but you know yourself very well, and in order to be happy, I think you need to put him in your past, and move on to other relationships, where things will be 'equal' and you will be appreciated, as you deserve.

I wish you much good luck, and please let me know if you would like to discuss this further.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for your response, it is very helpful and you make a lot of good points. I have reread it a couple times to try and make it sink in. I still though am caught up in thinking maybe he is the one b/c of my strong feelings right now of wanting him back. The thing is I never have stopped loving him, even when I left him. I didn't leave him b/c I don't love him, I left because he would not change his bad work habits. He does seem to be working regularly now and it's making me think maybe it could work again. I'm starting to think this way b/c I am really picky and he is the only guy I've ever loved and I'm 29 and we met when I was 24, so it took me a long time to find him and I worried that I will regret leaving him and that it would take me years to find someone else. And since it's hard for me to not like the bad boy type, a new love interest would probably have the same qualities. But this is my last addition to the question, b/c you did answer it really well I just wanted to hear more from you on this subject.

Thank you so much

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and you're most welcome; thanks for your reply and additional information.

I understand completely how you feel, and if he seems to have changed, assumed more responsibility, and is working on a steady basis, now, that's very good! However, just keep in mind that if you want to get back together with him, there's always a chance he may revert back to his previous, less responsible behavior.

If you are truly in love with him and feel he understands you and makes you happier than anyone else you have ever dated, then pursue the relationship, but try to keep him on this positive track he's on, currently. However, as hurtful as it might be to consider, as I mentioned earlier, he may have 'cooled off' in his communication with you and wanting to see you, because he's moved on and is dating others, now, so keep this in mind, as you might not be ABLE to pursue another chance with him.

If you go for the 'bad boy' type, that might be dangerous for you, in the long run, but if you feel you are truly in love with him, fight to get him back, but first find out what his current situation is. Ask him outright, if he's dating now and seeing other people and why he said he didn't want you to come visit in January, if it wasn't related to the reason he first told you.

You said you want him when you can't have him, but once you have him, you feel you might feel/do the same thing that caused you to move in the first place; I understand your conflicted feelings, but you have to choose to do what makes you happiest, and feel good about that decision. If you get back together with him, eventually, things might be great, but remember, a tiger never changes his stripes, and his basic persona will always be who he was when you decided to leave.

Think carefully about it, and do what you feel will make you happiest.

I know it's scary to 'be out there' again, and start over with a new relationship, but don't think you want to go back with him, just because it's 'comfortable' and it means you won't have to start 'looking' again. There's a great possibility there's someone else out there who will fulfill your every dream, AND work steadily without you having to hound him.

I wish you much good luck and the happiness you deserve.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18725
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you so much again for your response, I'm going to reread that one a lot too.

It is very helpful to me.

Thanks :)

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
You're most welcome, and I'm glad I could be of help. Thanks very much for your accept and your reply and I hope things work out. If you need more advice in the future, you can request me by typing 'For Cher' at the beginning of your question.

Cher

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