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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18561
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My wife is never in the same mood two days in a row. I can

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My wife is never in the same mood two days in a row. I can not ever seam to please her and when I call her on how negative she is being she gets even nastier with me. The problem is I end up saying something mean to her like telling her she is "a selfish bitch" and then I become the bad guy. She then crys about what a verbally abusive husband I am because I used the word Bitch or Selfish. I am at the point I want to get out of this relationship because i really feel she is a bit crazy and there is not talking sense with her. She always wants to go out and party to escape any real world issues she or we have and then we fight even more. If we stay home she ends up getting depressed and cant sleep. my god it is always something. We have been to counseling for years, attended a weekend relationship rich workshop and it helped for a while but things are terrible again.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
HiCustomer and thanks for your question.

I'd like to help, but first can you supply some more details about your situation? Thanks!

What are your ages?

How long have you been married?

What qualities first attracted you to fall in love with your wife?

Do you have any children?

Does your wife work? If so, what type of work does she do?

Is your wife now, or has she ever been, on any prescription anti-depressant medication?

Did you go to marriage counseling together? What suggestions were made in counseling and at the weekend workshop, which you felt helped, for a while? How long ago was the last counseling session and weekend workshop?

Thanks very much for all additional details you can provide.

Cher

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for taking on my issue. Our ages are a part of the problem i am sure. I am 43 and she is 27. I have two children from my first marriage, Son is 21 (was my best man in this wedding) Daughter is 7 and i have 50% custody while still trying for full (mother as a drinking and anger issue). My wife was on Lexapro but now is off that and just found out she has Fiber mailage and getting on something for that. She is also on Adderall and i believe that is it. She has problems with her hormones and does not get her period without being on birth control. We have been married 3 years this march. Her fun personality attracted me in the beginning. Her brother worked for me and introduced us when she was came to Florida for a visit. She is also very pretty but that is almost a negative because i think she is too consumed with her looks sometimes. The Marriage Retreat was about 6 months ago and i think what helped was the deep christian values that were woven in (although we are not super religous and neither was that the intent of the retreat) but it made me personally feel more committed to making it work no matter what because of the vow we made. My wife is a Hairstylist and very serious about her work and very good at it. she has a passion for fashion and teaching other stylist etc. Due to some women issues of my wife's and some complications of mine it looks like we cannot have kids together. That is another issue that my wife gets upset over. She is very jealous of the fact i have children even though my kids love her and my daughter even calls HER mommy.

As you can see, we are a huge bag of issues. The other issue is that when my wife drinks too much and if we get in a fight she has been physical with me and screams, punches etc. Our neighbor called the cops one time and i had to sit in jail all night because she lied and said i hit her. She apologized but in the end she feels that i kind of deserved it because i called her "the C word".

We are a mess! I want to make it work but am running out of confidence in her ever changing.

thanks

Scott
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Scott, and thanks for your reply with helpful, additional information.

A large part of the present issue is most likely due to your wife's depression, hormone problems, physical pain from the fibromyalgia, and the medications she's taking for these conditions. These types of medications can play havoc with emotions and even though the goal of an anti-depressant is to help a person feel better and more optimistic, there's also a chance that the medications she's taking are interacting with each other, so it would be a good idea to double check with her doctors and your pharmacist, regarding any adverse interactions from this combination of medications. Sometimes there can be adverse interactions, and sometimes one medication will render another one less effective.

I fully understand your frustration with this situation and not seeing it progress to where you think it should be, and want it to be.

Your wife's drinking is another issue that is clouding her true feelings and causing her to act out when she feels angry or frustrated with you and/or the situation; in addition, she shouldn't drink alcohol at all, while she's taking various medications. Also, while I don't doubt that what you describe is difficult to endure on a steady basis, keep in mind that you mentioned your ex-wive had/has problems with drinking and anger, and your current wife is exhibiting similar problems, so I'm sure this is even more troubling for, you due to your past experience; but, we learn from our experiences how to better handle them the next time, so you have that advantage.

Being a successful hairstylist, your wife is very creative, and 'artistic' personalities are usually very emotional, so it probably doesn't take much to set her off.

There ARE several facets that need work in your marriage, and I admire your commitment and desire to work toward fixing them. The Marriage Retreat sounded like a fantastic experience and even if you're not super-religious, being guided by your Christian values to honor the vows you both took, is great. You have a very positive outlook and attitude, and that is so important.

I'm sure what you mentioned re: not being able to have children with your wife, is taking a toll and causing more friction between you, and I don't doubt that she feels badly that you were already able to have children with your previous wife, and she feels inadequate that she can't give you children, now. However, you both ARE blessed, to have a strong family unit with your two children, and if they like her and your daughter calls her mommy, you're very fortunate. There are many cases like this, where the children resent their step-mother and this causes a multitude of problems in the marriage.

The age difference can be a problem or a 'positive', depending upon the people. You obviously found your wife attractive and fun, and mature enough, at the age you met her, to feel confident you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, so that's a 'plus' for both of you.

There's no doubt that you are giving your marriage your best effort, and I feel that your wife might be on more of an even keel, all the time, with proper management of her medications and continuing sessions with a therapist. She should go alone to the therapy sessions, at first, and then you can have some joint sessions, as directed by the therapist. Confronting/talking out the issues causing difficulties, and being given 'homework' each time, to work on at home, will be beneficial.

Try to control your reactions to your wife, when you feel she's acting irrational and blaming you for something, needlessly. This won't be easy, but it should help to diffuse the emotional situations more quickly, than just screaming back and forth, and definitely think before you speak and as upset as you are, don't call her names. This will only serve to inflame the situation. In the heat of the moment, take a deep breath, count to ten, and try to be more calm when speaking to her.

Take time alone, away from the house and the children, to enjoy yourselves, have fun, perhaps spend a couple of days at a nearby hotel, where you can rekindle your romance and only concentrate on each other, with no distractions.

Write each other little love notes to tuck into pockets, briefcase, purse, on your pillows, to remind yourselves of how you once felt about each other and how you'd like to get to that point again. If she knows that you still care and want her to get better and enjoy your relationship more, she'll really feel good about this, and so will you.

Try your very best to salvage what you have already known to be a good relationship, by changing the rules a little bit, to fit the present situation, and you might be able to save your marriage.

On the other hand, if you come to a point where you feel you've already done everything you can, and neither of you are happy, you'll have to take it from there, because you both deserve to be happy. Sometimes circumstances out of our control force us to make difficult decisions, so you'll have to know you tried your best and then do what you feel will benefit you both, the most.

I do wish you much good luck and please let me know if you would like to discuss this further.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18561
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I will accept your answer asap and thank you for your help. I would like to continue to discuss a little as well if possible. I have two main issues I need help with. 1)What is the best way to respond to my wife when she starts to act sad and anxious because we are staying at home watching tv instead of partying and staying up late? 2)My wife can stay up all night "talking" and arguing, I hate fighting and really just want to go in another room or go to bed. That makes her really mad (crazy) and then i resort to "name calling" and i really dont want to do that but i get so frustrated that she is trying to control me and force me to fight. i dont want to be a name caller and i promise i only do it when pushed and pushed and even then i am not proud. i just want a time-out and she wont have it.

I will make the payment now, thank you so much for your help!

Scott
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Scott, and you're most welcome.

Thanks very much for your accept and your reply. I wasn't online when you responded.

When your wife begins to act sad and anxious because she'd rather be out partying, than staying home and watching tv, try to strike a happy medium, and compromise. Make up in advance that certain nights will be 'quiet' nights at home, doing activities that make both of you happy; for example, if she doesn't want to or like to watch tv as much as you, you can play board games, or scrabble, trivial pursuit, etc., which are exciting, interesting and stimulating to the mind. There are some 'adult' games out there, too, which are always fun. You can also invite over another couple to play the games you choose (not the adult ones, of course; that's just reserved for you and your wife). Then, designate other nights for going out and doing something more exciting, which you know she loves. It doesn't necessarily have to be hard partying and drinking, etc., but again, doing something with friends or hosting a party at YOUR home, might make her happy. You can help with the preparations, so she feels you're 'involved'. Marriage is a compromise, and explain to her that you know she enjoys going out, but you enjoy staying in, so you'll each agree to do what the other likes, on different nights.

Your wife feeling sad (depressed) and not being able to sleep when you have a disagreement and/or don't go out or do what she wants, is linked to her emotional and medical conditions, and if she were to be prescribed an effective anti-depressant medication, and perhaps something for sleeping, this might improve the situation. You're very right, that she wants to go out as a form of escapism, and when she drinks, it's to avoid feeling her true feelings, which is depression. It also sounds like her depression is not being treated properly, if she still exhibits the behavior you describe.

When she's talking and arguing and you've had enough, say to her quietly, I can't discuss this anymore and I have to go to sleep; I'm tired. Don't yell, don't call her names, and if she continues to badger you, tell her again, quietly, that her yelling and arguing is not helping the situation or helping her to feel better, so 'let's try to go to sleep and you'll feel differently about this in the morning'.

Medication is not the be all and end all of a person's problems, and I'm a strong believer in only using it when absolutely necessary, but it sounds like your wife's condition is not under good control and with all the different types of anti-depressant medications available for prescription nowadays, the doctor who's treating her, should be able to find (sometimes, through trial and error) a medication that will help her be on a more even keel.

My first priority is always to try to salvage a marriage, but if you feel, after a really good try, and numerous tries, with different methods, that you are terribly unhappy and don't want to continue to endure your wife's unpredictable moods, drinking and arguing, consider a trial separation and see how things go. You both deserve to be happy, and if that's not the way it's working out, once you feel you've given it your 'all', and nothing is changing, you will need to make a change so you can live a less stressful life. If you love her and want to help her through this, that's great, but she needs the proper treatment, and you will have to help her find it, so you can both be happy.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Cher, Thank you for your help. Is there a way I can "request" you in the future as i can afford to get advice? you have been very helpful. I love my wife with all my heart and know she loves me and my kids. I am willing to do what ever i can to learn to NEVER be a name caller. It is so damn hard when i am being hurt but i will keep trying.

Thank you so much

Scott
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Scott, and you're very welcome.

I'm glad I could be of help, and would welcome additional questions in the future if you need more advice. You can most definitely request me, by starting your question with 'For Cher'; as soon as I see it, I will send you an answer.

It's so encouraging to hear that you love you wife with all your heart, and she returns that love for you and your children. If you are willing to work on stopping the name calling, no matter how angry you get when she treats you badly when she's upset, that is the first step, and instead of your first instinct to call her names, consciously direct yourself to tell her you love her and you will both help to make this work. Again, I urge you to speak to her doctor(s) and try adjustments in medications.

Regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you again, i will request you in the future!

All the best

Scott
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
You're most welcome, Scott, and I will look forward to your future questions.

Regards,
Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18561
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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