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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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i need to know what to do about my abusive husband. i feel

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i need to know what to do about my abusive husband. i feel like i've been sexually abused, and i'm not sure where to turn.
Hello Helena,

I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this. Can you tell me

What is your age?

How long have you been married?

Where did you meet?

Why do you feel you have been sexually abused?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
i am 21 years old. i have been married for 2 and half years. we met in high school. last friday night, i got really drunk. i drink every so often, but this was the exception to the rule. i was just so inebriated, i don't remember a lot of what happened, but i do remember that my husband told me to get naked. (which isn't an odd occurence, we're married!) so i did. i thought that everyone else had gone home (we had friends over that night, and it was really late.) so i get undressed & go into our bedroom, he hadn't come in for about ten minutes or so, so i went out into the living room to find my husband and our neighbor sitting there, talking. my husband pressured me into having sex with my neighbor. i fought him on it for awhile, i remember saying things like "this is wrong.. i can't do this.." things along those lines, and i remember him telling me it's what he wanted me to do. i don't know how i justified this to myself, but i guess with the alcohol all my inhibitions were gone too. i'm not sure if i ended up having intercourse with this guy, i only remember bits & pieces.. i remember interuptting him, and going to talk to my husband in between, and all the while him telling me, "it's okay, do what you want.' and me saying "but this isn't what i want." basically, i feel like i was persuaded to do something that i didn't want to do, because of my state at the time. finally - i just made up my mind that i'd had enough of the nonsense, and made the guy leave. i went to get into bed with my husband, and he started calling me an "adultress" and things like "a lying cheating whore" i remember asking him what he was talking about, since i was only doing what he had asked me to. and his response was that "that was a fidelity test. and you just failed."

i'm not sure where to go from here.
i feel like i let him down, but more than that, i let myself down.
i feel like not only did i violate his trust, but he violated mine..
he's my husband, and he's supposed to take care of me.. how could he put me into that situation?

i'm really lost.
i can barely even look at myself in the mirror.
is there any way to bounce back from this?
Helena, I have a couple more questions if you don't mind?

Is this the first time he's done something like this?

Any other relationship problems?

Has either of you ever cheated?

How has he acted since it happened?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
this is the first time he's done something like this.
we were doing the best we'd been since we were married. whenever i asked him why he did it, he said because he "needed to see if what we had was real. if i could stand up for myself under the worst circumstances."

we didn't have any other problems but this.

i cheated on him once before. but it was a mistake, and i was taken advantage then, too. i still accept responsibility for it. but it was another scenario in which i felt taken advantage of, alcohol was involved then, too. it was four years ago. before we were married. we both have agreed that we're over it. and we want to move forward from it.

since it happened, the first night - he just got riproaring drunk, again. he ended up passing out. the second day, he was very passionate with me. i was crying, i wanted to talk about it, and he didn't. i stood up to leave, and he stood up. he took my head in his hands, and kissed me.. it was like nothing i've ever felt between us before. he told me that we were going to get through it. we continued kissing, and he took me back to the bedroom, and we made the most passionate love i can remember. it was like he was taking me back, as his. since then, we've made love three more times. this happened a week ago, today.

i guess the reason i'm even asking is because i feel so violated by it all. and i wanted to know what i can do about it.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Relist: No answer yet.
Hi Helena,

I hadn't seen your response, I apologize for the wait. It seems that yes, you have suffered abuse at the hands of your husband. In your desire to please him, you did something you would not have done under normal circumstances. At this point, what do you want to do? Do you want to stay with him? Split up? Are you thinking of pressing charges? Where is your head at with it?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
i want to stay with him. i'm just not sure how to make things work from here. i was hoping for some advice with this.. i'm not sure where to go from here. i don't want to press charges, i just want to get past this.
Ok, I needed to know where you were with the whole situation. My first suggestion would be to think about the drinking and how it affects and has affected your relationship. You'll need to talk to him and you both have to decide if you really want to be in this relationship, and if you are both willing to put everything you have into it. Even if you both decide that staying together is what you want, I would still recommend counseling. There's something going on badly when your husband puts you to the test like this, it's not a show of love, or a test, but more like creating a lose lose situation. Had you said no, he would complain that you wouldn't 'do anything' to prove your love, yet when you do it, you're a whore. There was no way you could have won in that situation. In any case you should never, ever do something you are uncomfortable with, no matter that the situation. Address the drinking and talk to him about going to counseling, Counseling will allow both of you to figure out why you each do the things you do, and hopefully how to develop a stronger, healthier relationship between the two of you. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


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