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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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I tend to sabotage good relationships because, after a certain

Resolved Question:

I tend to sabotage good relationships because, after a certain time period (maybe 6 months) I completely lose attraction to the woman. With the last person she was everything I should have wanted. I broke up with her, and did not contact her for over a year, now the feelings are back. I go through this a lot with serious relationships. What is my problem…??
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What is your age?


-How many relationships have ended this way?


-What was your family life like. Your relationship with your mother and father?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

age - 47


I would say the majority of my relationships are me breaking up or me driving them to that point.


Very religious family. Not a lot of outward affection, but everyone was loved. Would not say very close emotionally. Very close to my Mom, but never shared personal information.


The last relationship was someone I thought I would like before I said two words to her. Watched her for two years before I approached her. I did not think I was ready for a serious relationship because I was starting a business.


So instead just asking her about her workout, what came out was would you like to go out on a date. Plus I pursued her, and after that she wanted a serious relationship. I was unsure of this, but being with her felt so right.


Then the feelings start to go away (which like I said is typical) and I break up. The really bad thing I feel is that for about a year I did not call, or check to see how she was doing. Now I've got these strong feelings again.


I contacted her, and she's moved on and is even egaged. Not sure if I should even try and get her back.. for 1 she may really have something good.. and 2 I'm not sure if I can trust my emotions..

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Your self sabotage of your relationships could be from past failures in relationship whether it was with another woman, your mother, your father, a friend or family member something happened that damaged your self esteem, self worth or self confidence. Subconsciously you don't always realize that is what you are doing when you are doing it because it's become so common place for you. Self sabotage is a pattern that occurs when someone has experienced some form of emotionally traumatic experience in their early life. You don't like feeling vulnerability and you don't like the feeling of not being in control and afraid of rejection and failure. For example suppose that you experienced a very bad relationship in the past. The negative emotional imprint of this relationship will still be inside you. Whenever you attempt to start a new relationship you will be vulnerable to experiencing the old painful emotions again. The fear of doing so often leads one to unconsciously sabotage their current relationship so that they will avoid feeling the hurt and pain that comes with a failed relationship. You self sabotage to maintain a sense of control.


What is interesting here is that the self sabotaging behavior appears to become engaged automatically and appears to be out of the person's control. It is what many might refer to a "bad habit" and habits are thought to be out of our conscious control. What you're going to have to do is sit down and think about all of the past relationship you've had with important women in your life and see what this bad habit stems from, you're living in the past and not allow yourself to have a chance at a healthy relationship. Maybe some counseling would benefit for you so that you can see where this hurt and pain is coming from it could be the fact that you knew your mother loved you because she was your mother but weren't shown much love and affection. The counselor can help you to work through whatever past experiences so that you can have a healthy and lasting relationship.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

I understand and appreciate your points. For the life of me, I've never had any emotional trauma. I've always been shy, and never let anyone get close except for family and really close friends.


As a matter of fact the women generally want a long term relationship. So I really have no fear of getting hurt my them, however that is the reason I'm not an outwardly friendly person. Could being an introvert cause the same symptom.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Some introverts do show signs like this because they are so used to being alone and some even like being alone. It's never a good idea to be alone so much that you can not have a healthy relationship. No one wants to grow old alone, so you should try to make changes so that you don't find yourself an old man with no one to share your life with, and still think counseling would help you to figure out why you do this and what you can do to change this behavior. You should try to understand what these women feel like when you break up with them for no reason, put yourself in their shoes. In order to have a healthy relationship with anyone you are going to have to work through these issues.

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