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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I live with what I consider to be an unbearable family. They

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I live with what I consider to be an unbearable family. They are racist and have a superior attitude which leads them to believe they are better than anyone who isn't white, and anyone who isn't Christian. Despite my good grades and goals to be a doctor, my mother and grandmother have been the cause of much of my self hatred for 20 years (which I am just beginning to get myself out of) by telling me I am stupid, worthless or unlovable on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. I used to think they were right because from the looks of it, they only fight with me. They are nice to others, so I thought, I must be the problem. But my boyfriend of three years and his family have reassured me that my family is quite "literally insane," as they put it. When I tell people details of my family life, they don't believe me. Only my boyfriend knows the horrors I go through here, as he has witnessed them. How can I deal until I move out in 6 months, and why do they do this to me?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Kto,

To be clear, you are white? This is your blood family?

Who are the people in the family (mother, grandmother....)?

Chase
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Yes Ms. Chase, I am white. But I'm more open to people than they are, and I don't judge anyone based on skin color or religion. Yes, this is my blood family. I feel God's sense of humor when I see the family I've been put in, I must say.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
darling, if you can see the humor, you're a lot farther along than you think.. The thing is, we get to choose our friends, we get to choose our mates (at least in most countries) and the people we choose reflect what we think about ourselves or sometimes what we want or think we want. In many ways our parents define us and who we become, whether their affect is good or bad, it still molds us. But think about it, had you been a weaker person, wouldn't the easy way out have been to join in their racism, to be like them and act like them? To do things that would have possibly ensured that they thought you were one of them and accepted you more?

I think that when mothers mistreat their daughters it's because of some failure they perceive in themselves. Some unmet expectation or some flaw they see in themselves perhaps in your reflection...it's hard to say. Some people are just unhappy with the way their life has gone or is going and they feel the need to take it out on someone, usually someone close to them. I guess what I'm trying to tell you, it's not you....it's them.

The fact that you have dreams, the fact that you have high hopes, likely only makes them more bitter and more angry. However, follow your hopes and desires. At some point you may have your own family and that family will be important to you and you will need to let them know how important they are to you. Learn from this situation and tell yourself that you will allow no one, from this point on to treat you badly. They say 'you teach people how to treat you" and in many ways this is true. You may not have been able to protect yourself from those who were supposed to love you unconditionally, but once you move out, you will have to take responsibility for how people treat you. You'll have to create the life you want and go after the things you want in life.

Even though you are moving out in 6 months, your changes can start even now, as you are reading this. You can take the first step towards making a better and more fulfilling life for yourself. You deserve to have the life you want and it's there for you. Don't allow your past to dictate your future. Even if it means going to therapy to get some of that stuff out of your system and to learn coping skills on how to deal with people in general, particularly people who will try and treat you badly.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase
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