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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18718
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Please have credentials only! I have been taking tae kwon

Customer Question

Please have credentials only! I have been taking tae kwon do and around august 2008 a female started taking classes at same time. At time she had a boyfriend who went away to college. I was always nice and flirty however, one day in october 08 she gave me the news she had broken up with her boyfriend. Now I know at this point your thinking well you were interested and something happend like she wanted to be friends. Well she actually asked me to go out for drinks that night I figuared ah why not now since then she had asked me to hangout alot twice a week or so. I figuared ok and did the same asking her out. It seemed just casual until I really start to like her. At which point I took her out and kiss her she reciprecated however wasnt long kiss. I let her know my feelings that I wanted to date and she said she just needed a good friend. I told her no and we stop talking. When I returned to class she kept flirty and asked to go out, seemign more insterested what should I do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

What are your ages?

When you told her you didn't want to be just friends, what did she say?

Who's decision was it to stop talking?

When she asked you again to go out what did you say to her?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Sorry for being so vague they only give you a certain amount of words. I am 26, and she is 23 I believe. She didn't say anything it was a running dialogue and after I said no we stopped talking for around three weeks. It was a descion to stop talking I didn't initiate any conversation and stopped going to class, she stopped conversating. When asked to go out it was phrased by her more like "we def need to hangout, movie and drinks at your place this weekend, and I thought about it for a bit and so ok. As far as what i said relating to conversation we had before the akward silence, I didnt stress it because at that point I thought I made myself clear that I not into friends, and we had a short kiss, hung out, however I get mixed signals, she flirts a little and always wants to hangout however, its like she not moving forward with anything. I tired of asking what she feels and thinks cause, I shouldnt have to be a pyschiatrist with her, it should feel right and we should mutually want it to go forward, I not stressed about it just more curious on the hang up, if your playful flirting and almost letting yourself kiss and always hangingout that seems beyond good friends to me. So your move?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Some girls are into the flirting thing. They like the attention it gives them, but may not necessarily be interested in a relationship or anything else. If a guy has a nice car or money and is willing to take a girl out, then he may have even more of these girls who like to flirt, but will refuse to take it any further. I would be straight up with her and let her know that you like her, and if she's not interested in more than just friends, then stop flirting with you and stop talking about going out. Keep it very to the point and then leave it at that, so that she will realize that you are serious. that's not to say that she will stop, but it's worth doing to see what her reaction will be. I find with women like this, the more you act like you're not interested, the more interested they become. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well I do appreciate you getting back to me, and yes it has been some what frustrating, I agree that some women just are flirty, however that defintely not the case and situation with this girl, she not into just flirting, first reason why this is true is because she doesnt flirty with any other males in class, she also doesnt hangout with any other guys, she is not the type of person to lead you on, as i mentioned in the begin of my lengthy story she said straight out right now im looking for a good friend right now, and as I wrote im not interested in that and we stopped talking, so the flirty girl scenario is not the case. A for me being forward and to the point I was I said no to this as I mentioned in my story and we stopped talking, she initated conversation when I return too class, and me leaving her alone for three weeks did have her being fliry and we hungout now i kissed her twice already (before the not interested thing) not long kiss nor bis extremely passionate but a kiss on the lips does send the signal your not just a friend, so im still left at my begin question what to do? The not seeming interested thing did not seem to work being she didnt call me back as I didnt talk to her I been straigthtforward with her already and maybe its time to talk again however, this loop doesnt seem to end. In closing I like the girl she seem to have at least a tad if it is friendly however interest in hang with me, im really looking for how to turn this direction into something meaniful, im 26 i was in army and have bachelors dated plenty of times, i know how to seem unintersted I know how to avoid or when to be forward but i dont get the mixed signals.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

Chase asked me to stop by and try to help with your question.

From everything you've already related, I think this woman might be interested in more than a friendship, but is a little afraid to get into a dating relationship again, after breaking up with her last boyfriend. Sometimes, a bad break-up can leave a woman feeling a little 'shy' in going into a new relationship, and that's why she told you outright that she just needed a good friend at that time.

From her recent behavior, I think she enjoys your company and if you like her, as you said, I'd advise keeping up the friendship, dating, going out and enjoying things together, and the more time she spends with you, and the more you get to know each other, the more she might come to the realization that she feels more for you than just friendship. You need to take things slowly and not make it seem like you're rushing her into anything, but continue to see her and feel out the situation. If the signals she's sending are mixed, set a time limit for yourself, as to how long you'll continue to hang out, until it's obvious if something romantic, like a kiss or more, is going to happen. If, at that time, she still contends she only wants to be friends, I think you should stop any contact and even consider going to another Tae Kwon Do class, so you don't run into her.

If she doesn't know what she wants and you give her the opportunity to find out, but she doesn't take it, then, she's not really interested in being in a relationship right now. It's nice to have men who are 'friends', but she has woman friends she can hang out with and not waste your time, if that's her thinking.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, first, though, and be very 'cool', not pushing any agenda, and play it by ear, at this time.

I hope things work out the way you want them to, and please let me know if you'd like to discuss this further.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Dear Cher

 

 

Thank you for getting back to me! That was very insiteful, and seemed to be good advise. I have been doing just as you were mentioning for around three months being that "good friend" per se and it does seem like as say she is drawn away or shy from it, however three months, and she took a vaction for a week, to hangout party and trained, seems like she is kinda doing as you say realizing thing however, where I totally agree on getting her in her comfort zone and not being pushy, on the other hand when one party is ready to at least consider it dating, and the other seems like its just hangingout, it greats a rift maybe more for me then her, and I was told that if you arent into just friends then break all contact as you mentioned so my hopefully last drawn out question is in your opinion what is a good time frame cause she broken up with him which actually means he cheated on her and they ended it, three months ago, she went on a trip that lasted a week to a virgin island partied and trained to ask her if she would consider dating, cause as beautiful cool and sweet this girl is its frustrating I am considerate of her feeling however I never want to be the "just friend" pitfull that so many can easily fall into.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply.

If you believe she broke it off with her last boyfriend because he was cheating, this has most likely caused her to be distrustful and fear getting hurt again. However, because this could be a 'new' relationship for her, with you, and it has been a while since she broke up with the other guy, she might bet getting ready to try dating again, but in the back of her mind, is afraid of getting hurt, and that's why she's hanging back, not allowing herself to 'feel' like that again.

As far as a time frame, you have to decide when you've had enough of just being friends and want to discuss with her, bringing your relationship to the next level. I understand completely, how you feel, and how frustrating his has been for you. You've certainly been nothing more than considerate of her feelings, and giving her a wide berth to work out whatever it may be that's holding her back. However, she may have meant what she said, a while ago, and really only wants to be friends and doesn't plan to let things go any further. Although this would be difficult for you, I agree that you shouldn't fall into the 'just friends' thing, because that is not what you want, so I would talk to her about it, and then you'll get a better idea of how she's thinking, regarding her friendship with you. You can tell her, without hanging your heart on your sleeve, that you're not interested in a 'just friends' relationship with her, although you value all the time you spend together, and you'd like to start dating her; ask her: 'what do you think about that?'. After you hear how she feels, you'll have to take it from there.

If she responds,: "well, I told you a while ago, that I just wanted to be friends", say, okay, that's fine, and stop hanging out with her. You can ask her, gently, if she is afraid to embark on a new relationship because her last one ended on a bad note, and see what she says. Be very understanding, and do what's best for you. I agree that it's not right for you to continue to hang out with her and feel there might be a possibility of you 'advancing' your relationship, when she has no intention of doing so, but it's important that you find out now, where this is going, to stop the frustration and move on with you life, if she's not interested in anything further.

Please let me know how things are going, after you speak to her.
I wish you the best of luck; you sound like a very conscientious man, who deserves a woman that will recognize how much you have to give.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18718
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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