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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I am having very big problems with my mother in law. She hates

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I am having very big problems with my mother in law. She hates me, and I honestly never did anything wrong! For example, I went on vacation to my Mother's house, and while I was gone she told my husband I told his brother's wife I was leaving him and not coming home from my Mom's. She has also written letters and called him trying to convince him I don't do %50 like I should, and has tried talking him into leaving me! She has several mental health issues, and manipulates her children by saying "what is I die" or threatens to hurt herself! My husband and I have a 21 month old son together, and he also has two kids from his first marriage. Well this Christmas his Mother bought my step kids hundreds and hundreds of $ worth in gifts including clothing, toys, games, and so on, but she only bought my son a couple things! She has caused tremendous problems in my marriage, is taking anger out on my son, and she thinks she in always right even when she is lies! My husband ignores it!!!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long have you been married?

 

-Has your mother in law always been this way?

 

-What was your husband's relationship with his mother like?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi, My husband is 26 and I am 25. We have been married for 2 years, but we have been a relationship for almost 5 years. She was nice to me until we moved in together, and that is when her hostility started. She started by getting mad at things I did, like spend money on his kids and him for holidays and birthdays, she would be rude and snippy all the time, and she has told rumors to his whole family about me!

Well, his relationship with his mother is disfunctional to say the least! He has always depended on her, expecially when his first marriage went bad and they divorced! He moved in with him Mom, and she became everyone's mom including his kids! He complains about her, but he won't confront her for fear she'll make him pay in one way or another. He won't say a word to her when she is rude or invasive with me!

The problems with him mother were always easy to blow off, because she wouldn't even visit us and only lived across town! She came by, maybe twice, and wouldn't step foot in the house. Recently, we moved into a new house and had major issues with the previous owners, and so we had to move out with absolutely no notice! We had no choice but to stay with her, and living there became hell to me! She would complain if I left anything on the counter or had dishes soaking, which is hard to avoid with a baby in the house! She blamed me for everything that was out of place, and when the electric bill came in it was my fault it tripled even though her and her husband just transitioned from working full-time to staying home full-time! She would give me nastly looks all day, make smart a** comments to me all the time about how I did things around the house, and told my husband I didn't help when I was up every morning at 5 or 6 doing all the things she said I should to "help her out"! Then she started telling my husband, based on what she saw I was a bad Mom and Wife! I was so depressed all the time, and ended up staying in the little room she loaned us any time they were awake and home! She didn't like me, but when I stayed away that caused issues too! Also, we had gone out of town twice while were staying there, and both times she invaded our privacy, went through all of our things, and moved everything out to who knows where. She didn't think it was a problem at all and just said I didn't take care of the room enough. My husband continued to beg me to stay despite the problems, and I did every time.

My husband, during all this, spent most of his time with his mom doing things she would ask him to. She would take up most of his time every day! When we finally got her to stop just walking in when she pleased, yeah thats right, she would come knocking at out door after we had gone to bed for stupid things. She would ask him questions about cars and crap she wanted to buy online. It was never anything that couldn't have waited until the next day!

I begged him to talk to her, ask her to stop, and then I begged him to get us out of there! He promised me all kinds of things and never came through! He said he would do everything she wanted, because we lived there and he was just trying to keep her happy while we were there. Well nothing was being done, worked out, and he just kept keeping her happy day after day. Mean while I would be miserable in the room or outside, by my self.

This past weekend we went to drop the kids off at their mom's, and stopped at his mom's to pick up any last things we left behind when we finally did move out. Well, she wouldn't let me look around to check for anything missed, she wouldn't let me get any of the kids clothes or other belongings, and she was nasty to me. It was his opportunity to show her it wasn't ok for her to treat me that way, and tell her she needed to realize she can't control everything, expecially the kids. Oh, by the way, she never respected any of our rules with the kids, and in fact, she would go behind his and my back all the time giving the kids stuff we said no to and doing things we were not ok with! Anyhow, he just went on acting like nothing happened, and while he and my son spent some time with her in the house, I waited outside by the car until we left.

He says he loves me, and always has reasons why he didn't say anything or next time. I know his mother is very hard to handle and letting things go is the easiest way to stay clear of her rath, but I can't let everything go anymore! I feel like he has totally overlooked me and my feelings, and I am his wife! I have been trying to get him to talk to me for a week now about it, but he is ignoring the situation and puts if off everytime I ask. I feel like he wants to say, "LOOK, you and your feelings will never be more important then hers are to me, so I am not saying anything to her..."! I mean I even told him I am not doing this again, and if he blows off talking to me then I will assume it is because he dosen't feel the same about me, as I do for him. I am tired of trying to talk to a brick wall! It also always pisses me off when I think about how he said we needed to communicate better when we were living with her. Well I was so despirate to get away from her and her abusive behavior, I called his ex-wife ( the only person I knew in the area), and asked her to stay there. He went to talk with him mom, and left me at his ex-wifes house for about 9 hours or ALL DAY! I can't even believe he'll give her hours of talking and sharing, but talking to me about our relationship is torture or something? I know his mother has issues that I will have to get used to if I am with him, but what do I do about him not being there for me ever? I don't know what to do. I feel lost, because he totally has been acting like I never confronted him about this situation with him Mom!

I hope you have some advice! I am sorry my reply is all over the map, so to speak, but there is so much that has happened during our relationship. I have gotten to a bad point where I don't trust him, I don't trust his mother, and I don't know where to go with this marriage? I love him, but I feel he needs to work this out or it's going to end. Ok, thanks for any help or advice you can give!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

If your husband will not stick up for you then it's up to you do stick up for yourself, I think his mother does these things because she knows she can get away with it and you nor your husband will say anything. Once your husband married you he should have left his family and their controlling behind but instead it seems he depended on his mother even more then before because of the house situation and needing a place to stay where the two of you would have been better off staying with friend or other family, he has to learn that he can not always run home to his mother when things get rough especially if she doesn't respect you. His mother seems to feel threatened by you like you are going to take her son away from her, she doesn't realize that the two of you can co exist in her sons life and work together to make her son and your husband happy, he feels like he is in the middle and doesn't want to disrespect his mother. It may be up to you to put an end to this treatment and let her and your husband know that you are no longer going to put up with such treatment and if that means you telling your husband either he talks to his mother or you will talk to her yourself about her actions.

 

She is trying to be over controlling, she doesn't realize how important it is for you to be a united couple and I don't think she really cares, you have become the main woman in her son's life and she doesn't like that, the best way to deal with this is commicate with her in a positive way, picking a fight with her can create unnecessary stress between you and your husband. Ask her to lunch in a public place so that you know that she wouldn't start yelling in front of everyone, make sure you know it's a time that she isn't stressing about other things or she will take it out on you. Start the conversation by thanking her for meeting you and then say to her something like; "I know you meanwell and we appreciate what you have done for us but what you're doing makes me feel incompetent and that you don't trust me, we need to do things our way this is important to us as a married couple." then ask for her to compromise and try to get along for the sake of your son and your marriage. Tell her exactly how you feel about everything that has been happening and that you do not feel you deserve this treatment because you have done nothing wrong. The least you want in life is having your mother in law as your enemy, it will put a huge strain on your marriage and if worse comes to worse you may have to keep your distance from her all together and just live your lives apart from her.

 

Tell your husband that he should stick up for you when it comes to his mother especially when he knows she has lied about you and made you seem lazy and not a good mother, tell him how that hurt you that he just allow his mother to talk down about you and belittle you for no reason. If he is not willing to stick up for you then you have to be the one to put your foot down and demand respect especially if you feel you have already earned her respect.

 

 

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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