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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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my ex-boyfriend has parents who started having trouble in their

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my ex-boyfriend has parents who started having trouble in their marriage when he was 15 yrs old. My ex hates his mother and has stated in the past that all women are ruthless. His father has said horrible things about his mother and I know this has changed him because he does not have a stong personality. He became very cold towards me. It seemed like the only thing he wanted to do with women is to have sex with them and that is it. Even though I am no longer with him, I still worry about him because many years have passed and he still seems to be stuck. The older I get the more I realize how badly he was hurt. I would like to know what I can do or say to him that would help him because he is not the type to receive help or confront his emotions.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.

Hello,

 

How close are you to him? (Are you friends, lovers or just someone you see occasionally)

 

Are you still in love with him or wish to get back with him?

 

How long have you been apart?

 

Do you still do things together? (Such as hang out or talk often)

 

Walter

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
we are friends. I do care about him. I do still love him. We have been apart for 5 years. We still talk every once in awhile. He now lives in another state.
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.

Hello,

 

It is very kind of you to try and help him, the only problem is if he has this cynical out look on women and you are not as close as you once were he will likely see you as working to get back into his life. While that may not be true the reality is that is the way he likely will see it...........thus reinforcing the idea that women are sneaky and conniving.

 

The fact is people come with baggage......and sometimes they carry this around all their lives until they meet someone they can fully trust and learn to let go of the past. There is no way to open his eyes other then proving to him he is wrong. Since you are no longer in a relationship with him there is no way to prove to him this is the wrong out look. Sadly some women are sneaky and conniving.....just like some men are.

 

The good news is there are things you can do to show him that you are not like that and thus not all women are either. The first step is to simply keep being his friend. Since you are not in a relationship with him this helps show him that you have nothing to gain from him yet want to be his friend regardless. Sometimes men can be like children......as much as I hate to say that Laughing But the fact is we can be! Thus some of the same tools you use on children often work well with guys too! When talking to him if he starts in on how women are like this.........ask him who does that he personally knows. (If he pops off his mother, explain that there are always two sides to every story and she was not like this with him so she does not count). If he can name someone try to get him to talk about why the relationship went bad. If he can not name someone or becomes frustrated simply tell him that while some women can be flaky so can some men.....but he is proof that all men are not like this.

 

Redirect.....Redirect.......Redirect............anytime he starts in complaining about women turn it around into something positive. Such as:

 

  1. Women are ruthless: Yes women can be ruthless (Never deny what he feels) but the fact is all people should be a little ruthless in order to find happiness in their own lives. True some women do not know how to find what they want without hurting others but that is reality among everyone man or women.
  2. Women Lie: I agree......lots of women, men and children lie. That is just life, while it would be awesome if everyone told the truth the fact is sometimes it is hard to accept the truth so people try to find ways to cope. While it isn't right it is something that happens to all of us.
  3. Women leave men: (Or Hurt men) While it would be great if we all could meet Miss or Mr. Right the fact is we all have to meet some mistakes before we find that one true love. Men and women hurt each other everyday in order to find love and while it hurts now the reality is someday if you can put down your own barriers you will find the one who makes you whole.

The key is to not disagree with him........but to show him that all these things are just part of life and love. And to find the positive in it. Yes we all are going to have someone who betrays us or hurts us but if we all gave up no one would ever find lasting love. I never say true love because the fact is that is a myth! Love is not about being slapped in the face with it and walking off into the sunset happily ever after. Real lasting love is working with each other and being understanding that everyone makes mistakes.......that is what makes it lasting.

 

No one is perfect and that is what he must come to accept and deal with. Yes women will slip up and hurt the man the same as men will slip up and hurt his women. The key is accepting this and learning to forgive each other and move on. If we always dwell on what someone else has done we can never learn to get past it.

 

I know you want to help him........and that is great. Though the reality is he can not change until he is ready to do so. No matter how many times you show him women are not all crazy the fact is he will have to learn this on his own to fully believe it. The good news is with time he will come though this, just be his friend until he does.

 

Walter

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