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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I have a husband who has a parttime job at a store. He is

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I have a husband who has a parttime job at a store.    He is 52 and is surrounded by young people -- some of them young girls.      I read in one of his emails him bragging about a redhead that works with him all night once a week - stated her name -- and told the friend that she was going to nursing school.     Anyway, my husband and I were at the store shopping and a young girl walks up and they were convering where she finally found her phone.   I made sure I saw what her name was because she was red headed.    Later on into the evening I asked who was that girl that you were talking to and he stated he didn't know her name and then stated that she was going to beauty school and that she stated that it took three shades mixed together to get her color.     I don't know what to think of this?    Is he not wanting me to know how much he enjoys working alnight with her once a week, or is there something going on?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 5 years ago.

Hi there,

 

Welcome to Just Answer !

 

Your concern about your husband being discrete about his relationship with that young girl is quite justified, as your husband is surely not coming out clean on this matter and is hiding something may be his liking for that girl. But it is a posssibility that as a co worker he just may like to work with her , and does not want to tell you as you may draw hasty conclusions , which as a matter of fact you are currently dwelling upon.

 

Some basic questions may help us in knowing whether your husband may actually be involved with that female or not.

 

How long have you been married for?

 

How is your relationship with your husband , has lately he been acting overtly nice and warm with you , which is unusual and unlike him.

 

Has there been trust issues in your relationship before ?

 

Have you ever suspected him of infidelity before ?

 

Are you too dominating , or bossy , please try to be honest and do not mind my asking u this question please?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I have been 33 years married. Yes, there are trust issues. I made him get the part time job because he ran up the credit cards into the low forties. I had discovered this at the end of 2005. At that time, I found out he was getting a tan and it seemed everyone knew except me (my niece knew and a worker behind a desk at a medical facilitiy). He also had a post office box that he had a couple of credit card bills go to. This is the second event where I discovered he had a post office box.

 

I sometimes sneak into his email because he had wrote it down. I know it is terrible - but I want to know what is going on. In the email he wrote a past coworker about this red headed young girl and told him how she was going to nursing school and how she has natural red hair and her name. So, he knew her name. He talked how nice her rack was, ect.

 

Yet, he tells me different that she is going to beauty school and it took 3 shades to get the red color that she had. And of course, he don't know her name. I know he told his co-worker that his wife (me) better not ever find out because there goes alnight Saturday nights. He works supposedly alnight (8-10) on Saturday night and gets off at 6AM Sunday morning.

 

What erked me was that I read his email not too long after my brother died and he tells his male friend that he was making time with her (getting her age, ect.) when I had to call to let him know that my brother died.

 

I guess I need to quit reading his emails. But, I feel I need to protect myself. I would leave this person - yet, I could not take care of myself financially. He was diagnosed in 2006 as ADHD.

 

He tells me he loves me all the time. Sometimes I want to leave him in the worse way when I think about it all - (we should be saving for retirement) because this last financial fiasco (which was more than what we owed on our mortgage - and of which we still are diggin out) was his third strike being careless with money, and I feel three strikes and you are out.

 

I love him -- but I desire no sex from him. But, I do have sexual desire. It is basically a sexless marriage (once or twice a year). We are more like brother and sister than husband and wife. Sometimes, I feel that I am also a mother. We have no children. So again, if I could take care of myself (had a job that paid well) -- I would leave him.

 

But then, my religious background keeps popping up in my mind. I am on disability and have limited income. I am not wheelchaired bound and physically able to engage in Monkey Sex if the occasion arised.

 

I am tired of 33 years being a doormat. I now manage the money in an accounting program and pay the bills. I have helped my husband increase his credit score of the last two years. Our credit must be OK because we get offers all the time now from credit card companys.

 

I had not idea that when I made him go out and get that second job that he would love it - he loves socializing and moving around. I have a neighbor that had to get a second job and he just hates it.

 

Also, from looking at his email, he has at least once joined a dating service - but as far as I know he never paid for a subscription. He has joined a website Ashley Madison.com (and if you pay) they will tell you of available women in the area. I don't think he has paid for anything -- I think he just likes to read about the women that are available -- or, at least that is what I think.

 

One last thing. I get embarassed easily and I do not approve of his behavior that he exhibits with one past coworker. He emailed this past coworker a picture of himself wearing only his underwear. I ask myself how could he when he knows that when you email something to where the coworker works -- everything gets saved on the server. So, I am embarrassed about that, not to mention that him doing that made me think if it is possible that he is bi-sexual.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Trust and communication in a relationship is very important for that relationship or marriage to survive and it seems as the two of you have neither of those things right now. There seems to be many reason why you do not trust your husband, the financial situation, the emails about the red head and him sending out a picture of himself in his underwear. Your husband is seeking attention from anyone who will give it to him, now with that being said does it mean he is cheating on you? No it doesn't mean that positively he is cheating though he could be but without proof it will be hard to prove and you can't go by him talking about another woman and how she looks. If you are uncomfortable about the situation it may be in your best interest to have him quit the second job but your issues are still going to be there.

 

The reason you can not trust your husband is because he hasn't given you any reason to trust him and his being secretive is all the more reason you question his loyalty to you and the marriage. Money is one part of your lives that if not properly managed, will ruin a marriage. With the economy the way it is today it's important for someone who is responsible with money and the bills to take over the duties of making sure everything gets paid, your husband has proven that he is not good at this and has done things to make trusting him with the money a major issue, 75% of all their marriage problems are associated to money-related issues. If he can't tell you where he is and what he is doing at any point in time then you have a problem. He is keeping post office boxes and secretive emails and even sending out half naked pictures of himself, this is the prime examples that your marriage is in major trouble.

 

You have to make up your mind what you want out of life and marriage and if you feel that you are receiving this from your husband, I bet the answer to that question would be no, it seems marriage counseling is in order for the two of you if you want your marriage to work. Start by making him find a job that is during the week so that he has no more Saturday all niters, be honest about reading his emails and question him on the content of the emails. Tell him as a husband he shouldn't feel the need to get post office boxes and that you want that to stop but you have to be willing to leave if things do not change so that he knows that you are serious about what you say. Maybe you have family that you can go to or friends you could stay with until you figure out something financially, I'm sure if you were to leave he would have to pay alimony since he is the main bread winner. He may be going through a midlife crisis also he shows some of the classic signs of a midlife crisis. Taking more care of his appearance, spending money on needles things, wanting and seeking attention from younger women and people so that he can feel young again, responding to the attention he gets from women.

 

Most marriages go through rough patches and you either find a way through it together through hard work and both people working together to get past this or you divorce. You can do nothing until he can face the truth of the problem and why he is doing the things he is doing, one or both of you, are not getting what you require from the marriage and that could be physically or emotionally or both. He may feel that he isn't getting the attention he needs at home because of the lack of sex and it could be that he feels less of a man because you took over the finances, this will make him back out of the relationship. He has to feel important in your life and in the marriage. Marriage counseling may be your last resort to save your marriage because the two of you trying on your own is not working.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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