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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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This is about a guy that I met on an internet dating site.He

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This is about a guy that I met on an internet dating site.He is a cop/paramedic.So far the guys that I have met were really not right at all and I think I have another bad one.We have only emailed and talked on cell phones a number of times.We decided to meetsomewhere inbetween,as we are about 2 hours from each other.I like a guy with a sense of humour,but something seems weird and I would like to know your thoughts.In his profile it says he wants a girl with a sense of humour also.He is 51 and never been married,but has a 14 year old that lives far away with the mother.He told me that she took him to court for child support and he was already paying it.They got more from him and she talks bad to the daughter about him.The conversations seem to start fine and he does joke alot.A dry sense of humour-kind of.The thing that bothers me is it alwys get into sex things.Like have you ever worn a short skirt with no panties,thong bikinisetc.I always just laugh it off and say very funny.Bit odd
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Elton

What is your question?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
<p>Hi,</p><p> </p><p>My question is do you think this is just wrong?Like <br />I said every conversation eventually leads to sex talk.I kind of laugh and say what or very funny.He goes about it witha dry humour,but I am scared that is what must be on his mind.Am I acting wrong to be leary of him.We were to meet and see a movie.He also told me he was out with another girl once and they made out in the car and so on.</p>
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Elton,

Honestly, I would have to say yes, it might not be what you are looking for. When you talk with a guy and he has the need to bring up a sexual conversation although the two of you have not met, it's actually a warning sign of what may be on his mind. He's been clear with you about his desires, and even told you what happened when he went out with the other girl, perhaps in expectation that the same might happen with you, or as a way of showing/telling you what he would like to happen.

Laughing it off is not enough, if you laugh about it, guys think you're being coy. Instead when a guy brings up something that makes you uncomfortable, be straight out with it, and tell him you don't think it's appropriate for him to talk like that when he really doesn't know you. this way he's clear that you're not going in that direction with him, and that he has to act more like a gentleman. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, so whenever someone does something that makes you uncomfortable or that is innapropriate you have to speak up so that they know their limitations.

With that being said, it's your decision if you want to go with him to the movies, but he's been pretty clear about what he's looking for or what he's interested in. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

I really agree with you and need to speak my mind more.That is a fault of mine.As you know I have talked to you before and that one was no good either and you knew it.The guy that we are speaking of at present, also told me that the mother of his child was in the hospital ready to give birth and at that time he was seeing another girl that had no idea of this.Not a good prospect!What is wrong with me and why am I putting up with this crap?Well,anyways now that you have heard that,I want to know what you have to say.Probably, that I am having really bad luck on the net,right.If you have anything else to add HELP.I am glad that I got you again,you are smart and kind to me.Thanks,
Liz
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hi Liz,

You can always ask for me to be sure I'm the one you talk to, you just ask for me in the subject line and I'll always get back to you.

I have to agree, he's not a good prospect. :( Let me ask you a few questions ok?

When was your last serious relationship?

Do you go out? with freinds or alone? If so, where do you go?

What kind of man are you looking for? What kind of relationship?

Do you only meet men online?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi,
I will always ask for you,as I cant thank you enough.To start with I am very lonely and so want to find a nice guy.I am 49 years old and never been married.I am a very good musician and have traveled alot.Kind of a transcient lifestyle in my 20s and 30s.Cruise ships,Summer stock theaters etc.My last serious guy I met online and it turned out that my doctor boyfriend was a toxic narsissist.That was 2 years ago.I dont have many friends and dont drink and bars are out of the question.All the guys that I have contact with are only over the net dating sites.I am looking for someone that will start as being friends first and I was hoping to find a long term relationship.I am looking for guys that are upbeat,compassionate,honest and also someone with common values.When I find someone I really like doing things for them and spending alot of time with them.Actually,I am getting JUST the OPPOSITE in the men that are persuing.My profile and pics show the real me.I would desribe them as The All American Girl kind of look.Again,Thank you soo much,
Liz
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
No problem Liz, you're welcome.

I personally don't see anything wrong with meeting someone online, but you have to go about it the right way. You might also consider asking friends to introduce you to nice men they know that might be single. There may also be single events in your area that you can go to that don't involve drinking. If there's nothing in your area like that, then you might want to consider starting a singles organization in your area, that does events like a wine tasting, art show or some type of music event. You may only get a few people involved at first but as time goes on it will grow, you can help others find mates and possibly yourself.

As for meeting people online, I've found that you have to follow a formula, and I'll give you an idea of what I mean.

First, take a piece of paper and write down all of the things you would like in a man, and then write down all of the things you don't want in a man. Keeping in mind that no man will be perfect or meet everything you have on your list, you can include your list of don'ts in your online profile. Something like

NOT looking for; married men, separated men, men looking for just a physical relationship, heavy drinkers, drug users. If I find you have any of these issues I will terminate communication completely.

It's just as important for a man to know what you are NOT looking for, as it is for them to know what you are looking for. Some men might email you and say, "you're too picky" or "how dare you be so picky" and you can just delete those emails.

If you have an online profile, be sure to include face pics and body pics. Do not respond to anyones ad, only respond to the men who respond to your ad. If they don't have a pic, don't talk to them until they send you one. In fact, put that in your ad "please do not email me unless you have or include a picture"

Once you see their picture, decide right then and there if you want to talk to them or not. If not you can either delete their email, or send them a not and say thank you but I'm not interested. Sometimes if you send them a note it just makes things worse, so I would just delete.

If you do see a pic of a guy who has contacted you and you want to talk to him more, then email him back but keep it short and sweet. "Hi thanks for the email, blah blah, tell me more about yourself" and then ask a couple of questions. You will be able to tell a lot about him by the way he writes, does he talk about himself? ask about you? can he put a sentence together? is he interesting to you?

If more than one guy emails you, don't feel bad about talking to more than one, as you are looking for the right guy and you are not committing to anyone at this point. (you might have to keep a log or notebook, or save emails so that you can keep up with individual nuances.

At any point you can delete anyone based on your original list. If you put on your list that you don't want a guy who is depressed or angry and you find that all this guy talks about is how much he hates his ex, send him a note letting him know its not working for you and delete him from your list. Again, delete anyone at any time, don't hold on to ones you know in your heart are no good, stay true to your list. Re-evaluate each person every couple of weeks and truly ask yourself if that person meets what you want and need, if not, delete them.

After 2-6 weeks you can make a decision to talk on the phone. IF you find that the conversation is good, he's respectful, tactful, nice, etc. When you talk on the phone with him, be sure to always be the first to get off the phone. Don't get attached just because the conversations are great. Take the time to find out what he has in life, what he wants out of life and his future. If it doesn't match what you want, then you have to consider deleting him, regardless of how nice he may be. Opposites do attract, but sometimes its not worth all of the aggravation. The older you get, the more you need someone who has things in common with you, not opposite things.

Talk on the phone for two weeks or more (preferably more) like six weeks. This added to the emails, gives you a pretty good idea of who your dealing with. If he's patient, he wont push you to meet, talk about sex or be a jerk about waiting. You'll learn a lot about him, and if after two to three months and you haven't deleted him, then it may be time to meet. When you meet, you'll want to meet in a public place for lunch. Lunch allows you to meet during the day and you can always end the lunch by saying you have a meeting (or having a friend call you in the middle to see if you need an alibi to leave). Once you meet, thats when you will know if there is 'chemistry'. You can't ever tell if there is true chemistry on the phone or the computer, this is something you can only know once you meet in person and can actually smell them (this is called pheromones) and cannot be faked, bought or denied. :)

If you stick to your original list, don't allow yourself to feel bad about deleting people who don't meet your needs, and keep an open mind, you will definitely meet someone eventually. I met my fiance online 7 yrs ago, using the same protocol. I deleted many guys before I finally met him. Some never made it past the emails, some got deleted after phone calls, and only a few made it to the dating stage and were subsequently deleted. It may sound like a science and in a way it is, but when you know what you want, you can get what you want, and you have to believe that with all of your heart.

I'm always here if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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