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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18740
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My boyfriend and i have known each other for 10yrs, we have

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My boyfriend and i have known each other for 10yrs, we have a daughter together, and have been off and on again. For the past 2yrs though we have not talked until 6months ago. He says he is in love with me and i am in love with him. He allowed me to request a voluntary lay-off at my job and move up with him. I did that and now though he is saying that he wants a casual relationship but still i live there and take care of my child while i do not have to work. He takes care of us. He says he's not sure if he's ready to settle down, but then he says he will be committed to me. I'm just really confused and when i bring it up with him he just says, isn't this what u wanted, to not work and take care of our daughter...and i say yes but with someone who actually wants to be fully with me at the same time. I dont know what to do or what is right, but it's eating at me. I want to be with him and that saying..."home is where the heart is"...well that is how i feel about him.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi, and thanks for your question.

It would help me to know a few more details about your situation:

What are your ages?

How old is your daughter and when you didn't talk to her father for 2 years, was she living with you and did he have any contact with her?

By 'casual' relationship, does he mean he would like to date other women? Do you know if he IS seeing anyone else?

Had you ever told him before you moved in with him, that you would prefer NOT to work, and be a full-time mom, if someone else were to support you?

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
okay well...I am 28 and he is 27. My daughter is 2 and he left us when i was about 6months pregnant. He then just came back about 6months ago. He was in a relationship and from what i heard from his mom is that the girl was very jealous and was affecting him from getting in contact with us. And he says that he is committed to me, but i think he is kind of confused in his head...he says he is not dating anyone else, and or seeing anyone else. I had told him that i would like help...but by help i meant with someone who wanted to be in a committed relationship with me and, not that i just didn't want to work...i had been working at my job for 5yrs and was doing good. I quit because he said it would be okay and we were geting back together. And he has a good job to where he can afford for me not to work for a bit and take care of our daughter til she was in school, and then i was going to find something a new career.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional and helpful information.

From your description, it does sound like he's a bit confused at this time. I do believe he still cares for you and wants what's best for you and your daughter, but I think now that it has become a 'reality' that you're home with the baby and not working, plus, he's back with you after a long absence, he's freaking out a little bit.

It's always best for the mom to be home with the child, if possible, at this young age, so I think that was a good decision on your part. I'm also glad to hear that you plan to find a new career and job when your daughter starts school. If you can start taking some online or local night courses now, to begin preparing for that new career, that would be something to look into.

I think he needs some guidance from you, to straighten out his confused head. Have a talk with him and remind him that he came back into your lives, which is wonderful, as his daughter should know her father, and you are glad he offered to get back together because you shared and still share something very meaningful. When he made this offer to you, you thought he meant he was ready to commit to both of you (you and your daughter) and you don't understand what 'casual' relationship he now wants. By asking you to quit your job and saying he would provide for both of you and you'd get back together, live together, etc., he made that commitment. Assure him that you will not ask anything of him that he has not already asked of you, and you do love him and do not want a casual relationship. If he doesn't want to make a commitment re: marriage at this time, that's fine, you didn't expect that or ask him to do that. But, he did say that he was committed to you and you expect him to act that way.

Remind him that 'home is where the heart is', and tell him that this is what you expected and this is what he promised when he asked you to stop working, move in together, and become a 'family' with your daughter. If he's 'confused', give him time to sort out his feelings, but keep reminding him that what he promised you was not a 'casual' relationship.

Don't fight about it, just be strong in your convictions and in what he led you to believe. You gave up a lot to be with him, and if he wanted a casual relationship, it might have been a good idea for him to mention this before you quit your job and moved in with him. Try to bring him around to your way of thinking by being strong, sweet, affectionate and making him want to be home with you all the time.

I wish you much good luck and hope things work out the way you want them to!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
That was great advice and i will definitely be using that. However there is 1 more thing to this that may or may not break it. Last Thursday at about 2am we got into an argument about all this that has been going on. He though thinks it was because i caught him looking at porn, which i don't care. It's just what ticked me. Anyways, he came in to bed and tried rubbing my feet and i said no...he got into bed and we exchanged a few words that upset me so i took my daughter which she was sleeping between us downstairs to the couch. I could hear talking and went back upstairs to see who he was talking to at 2am and i heard him talking to whoever about what had just happened. So we got into a confrontation and he got pretty mad and pushed me out of the bedroom as i was trying to pack a bag and was just going to leave to my moms so we could cool off. and then he tried pushing me toward the stairs. i then ran downstairs to our daughter and picked her up. He was trying to push me outside but since i had my daughter he pushed us both. and shut and locked the door. Of course i got upset and was yelling for him to open the door and give my my keys and phone which he threw out my purse and bag i was trying to pack. Long story short, sorry, the neighbors called the police, i wrote a statement, and they arrested him. I was not hurt but i guess that is what they do regardless. So he went to jail and the judge ruled a no contact order. So now, i my daughter and i are staying with my best friend until this can be fixed. So i have no idea what he's thinking, but i know what i'm thinking and i'm hurt, scared he really doesn't want to be with me thinking i made him go to jail maybe, and i have no job or money, cause i'm waiting for my severance and last paycheck. I'm not sure what to do about this situation with our feelings and everything that goes along with it...i have already done my part in getting the no contact order lifted by meeting with a domestic violence counselor on Monday. And the worst part is that we dont have a history of domestic violence. I just want to go home and have everything workout.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again,

This is very disturbing. He showed a violent side which was scary for your and your daughter; when he pushed you both, you could have fallen and both of you could have been injured. Even though you may love him, you really have to give this more thought. If you're going to live together, with your daughter in the house, there has to be no question concerning her safety. You don't want her growing up watching her father exhibit violence toward her mother.

I understand you wanting to go home and have everything work out, but I recommend that you think long and hard about wanting to stay with this man, after this recent incident. I think you deserve better, and if he can't control his temper, this is really a big problem. Ask him if he'll go to couples counseling with you; I think being in therapy will be beneficial to both of you. I would think twice about moving back in with him right now.

He needs to realize how what he did was very wrong and very hurtful to both you and your daughter. If he thinks he did nothing wrong, I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX should reconsider remaining with him for the time being. He may not have done this before, but if he did it now, he's capable of doing it again. It's typically becomes a 'pattern' in situations like you described.

Please reconsider everything and even though you would like to go home and have everything work out, it's possible you have made an error in judgement, if he's capable of what he did to you and your daughter. Remember your daughter's health and safety, plus her emotional wellbeing. This always needs to be considered first, and foremost.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18740
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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