Thanks for taking my question
My wife came home last night while I was waiting on a response, and we talked for a while, but i will answer your questions first.
I am 45, she is 40
Friend is an older female (mainly) and her husband. They live here, but don't know anyone and don't work here. My wife is considering hiring her for an open position she has.
She has only known the friend for a few weeks.
My wife says when she goes out there that, from what I can tell, they discuss two things--Her job, because the friend can relate because she has done simliar work. Then, my wife did say that she mentioned that she told her aobut our problems, and the lady said she could stay there whenever she needed to.
I didn't mean to reply yet--I wasn't through answering your questions.
She (my wife, Detra) is a county elected position--county treasurer. She goes in to work about 8:00, but she is the boss of her office.
Most of the time I went to Dallas to a large music store (the nearest one to us) to peruse and buy music for my high school band program of which I am the director. After that, i would go out and get something to eat. They were open until 8:00. By the time I went to eat and drove home (it was an hour and fifteen minute drive) it would be 10:00 or 11:00. I kept in touch by cell phone, sometimes calling every 45 or so minutes.
She told me last night that what was really bothering her is the fact that--and I made reference to this--my mother. In her old age (80) she has become very critical. She wrote an e-mail that said something to the effect of "when we come up for Christmas, why can't we get up there earlier so we can stay longer. I thought Detra was the boss of her office." Detra saw it, and that was the final straw as to this latest problem. Detra was already mad at her, and right fully so--see below.
About a year ago, my parents came down to stay with us for a day or so. My mother is very nosy, so before I left for work, I closed and LOCKED our bedroom door because I knew she would look i there and stays messy during the week. the rest of the house is clean. She got very mad and wrote back blaming Detra for having done it. THIS MADRE dETRA VERY MAD--NOT ONLY HER GETTING BLAMED FOR IT, BUT BECAUSE I DIDN'T COME BACK AT MY MOTHER HARD ENOUGH. I did write back and tell mom something to the effect of if she didnt' like Detra to keep it to herself, but I did not tell Detra about it.
It is not just us my mom is critical of. She told my sister that her 16 year old son must be gay because he dyed his hair. Two years ago when my parents took me out for breakfast for my birthday, she said she was going to start only worrying about herself, or putting herself first, or something like that. She has nothing to be arrogant about. She was very poor as a child, and only aquired things thanks to my Dad who was also a (college) professor. Very vain, at her age sees beautician every week, and very openly critical of anyone who has weight problems. Will just ask me: "is Detra losing weight" or " is Dena (sister) losing weight?" I don't see what it is to her. Detra is not big, 5'4 and about 140, like most people could stand to lose 10 or fifteen, but the references to her weight by my mother are not necessary. Very atrractive, personable, nice to everyone, and smart--she was offered the job by the county when the past treasurer quit before her term was up. Can be a little hard headed when it comes to me asking her to do something she doesn't believe in. Note: both sisters are divorced, and what marrigaes remain are weak. Her parents don't sleep in the same bed. My family has no broken marriages on neither side that I know of. Detra is classy but there are issues in the extended family with a niece with a child by the age of 17, still living at home at 21 and probably still we be for life. My background is from a small (one sister, older) middle or upper middle class family.
this is both of our first marriages.
If it will help, Detra family lived very in a rural area, but that was because of her Dad. her mom and Detra's two sisters were more "city" people.
I guess I am not really organized in my response, but the problem really comes down to the issues with my mother-- and according to Detra, and me not lighting into her. But I have replied again because you need to know a couple of things:
We talked last night for about an hour. It was very non -confrontational. She just said that the things I have mentioned have just finally gotten to her.
1. Detra says she still loves me, and I am sure she does.
2. says maybe we should separate for a while--she says she needs time to think and I need time to think. i was thinking the same thing last week, but now that it is real, I don't want to.
3. I asked her to try to overlook the comments by my mother, pointing out that it is not just Detra she thinks she has to say ugly things about--she says them to me to, and Detra nodded. i also told her (again) that I regret the staying out late, and will not do it, as I haven't done it for a few months.
4. She left again for her friend"s at 1:00 a.m.
one more thing, then i will have told you everything, or at least the major things.
We don't have sex much, and it is my fault. I have never had the need for sex very often. however, Detra lists this no higher than third or even fourth on her list of problems. (She also is very concerned because people have started rumours about her, as often happens when someone is in a highly visible position like her's-rumours about her and another male employee which are not true.) We are both too conscientous, especially her, and need a big dose of "don't give a ____ what people think!"
I know what you may be thinking--but there is nothing wrong with my sexual preference.
even when I was in my sexual "prime,' I wasn't very active--didn't have sex until early twenties. I don't really have any explanation--I am normal in every other way! Over my Christmas break I am seeing a doctor about something for libido and/or desire. Let me clarify--not only do I not have sex with my wife much, I don't have it with anyone else,nor do I WANT it with anyone else.