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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18711
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My wife of 15 years has suddently started going to an adult

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My wife of 15 years has suddently started going to an adult friend's at night. We have always been close, but now she comes home for dinner, then when i goto bed, she leaves. Sometime she spends most of the night there. This has been going on for about four weeks. She is unhappy about several things from issues at a new job, to my mother, who wrote a searing e-mail about her which she intercepted several months ago and read. She is unhappy with her sister because she is marrying her ex. She is unhappy with her own mother because she doesn't side with my wife on this issue. She says she is also unhappy with me because sometime back I would go to a nearby metroplex to do some business and would not get home until fairly late--meaing 11:00-12:00, a couple of times as late as 1:00 or 2:30. BUT NOT IN THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS. She stays out till 4:00 or 5:00 a.m. I love her very much. I am a 20 year school teacher, we both have good families and are college educated.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

It would help me to have a few more details before sending you an answer:

What are your ages? Do you have any children together?

Is this adult friend she spends time with, male or female?

For how long has she known this friend?

What does she tell you she does at the friend's house, when you ask her?

Does your wife work? If so, what kind of job does she have and what time does she have to be at work, in the morning?

What kind of business did you have to attend to at the metroplex, so late at night, in the past?

How long was your wife married, previously?

Is this your first marriage, or were you also married before?

Thanks for all the additional detail you can provide.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Cher-

Thanks for taking my question

 

My wife came home last night while I was waiting on a response, and we talked for a while, but i will answer your questions first.

 

I am 45, she is 40

 

No children

 

Friend is an older female (mainly) and her husband. They live here, but don't know anyone and don't work here. My wife is considering hiring her for an open position she has.

 

She has only known the friend for a few weeks.

 

My wife says when she goes out there that, from what I can tell, they discuss two things--Her job, because the friend can relate because she has done simliar work. Then, my wife did say that she mentioned that she told her aobut our problems, and the lady said she could stay there whenever she needed to.

 

 

 

 

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I didn't mean to reply yet--I wasn't through answering your questions.

 

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I didn't mean to reply yet--I wasn't through answering your questions.

 

She (my wife, Detra) is a county elected position--county treasurer. She goes in to work about 8:00, but she is the boss of her office.

 

Most of the time I went to Dallas to a large music store (the nearest one to us) to peruse and buy music for my high school band program of which I am the director. After that, i would go out and get something to eat. They were open until 8:00. By the time I went to eat and drove home (it was an hour and fifteen minute drive) it would be 10:00 or 11:00. I kept in touch by cell phone, sometimes calling every 45 or so minutes.

 

She told me last night that what was really bothering her is the fact that--and I made reference to this--my mother. In her old age (80) she has become very critical. She wrote an e-mail that said something to the effect of "when we come up for Christmas, why can't we get up there earlier so we can stay longer. I thought Detra was the boss of her office." Detra saw it, and that was the final straw as to this latest problem. Detra was already mad at her, and right fully so--see below.

 

About a year ago, my parents came down to stay with us for a day or so. My mother is very nosy, so before I left for work, I closed and LOCKED our bedroom door because I knew she would look i there and stays messy during the week. the rest of the house is clean. She got very mad and wrote back blaming Detra for having done it. THIS MADRE dETRA VERY MAD--NOT ONLY HER GETTING BLAMED FOR IT, BUT BECAUSE I DIDN'T COME BACK AT MY MOTHER HARD ENOUGH. I did write back and tell mom something to the effect of if she didnt' like Detra to keep it to herself, but I did not tell Detra about it.

 

It is not just us my mom is critical of. She told my sister that her 16 year old son must be gay because he dyed his hair. Two years ago when my parents took me out for breakfast for my birthday, she said she was going to start only worrying about herself, or putting herself first, or something like that. She has nothing to be arrogant about. She was very poor as a child, and only aquired things thanks to my Dad who was also a (college) professor. Very vain, at her age sees beautician every week, and very openly critical of anyone who has weight problems. Will just ask me: "is Detra losing weight" or " is Dena (sister) losing weight?" I don't see what it is to her. Detra is not big, 5'4 and about 140, like most people could stand to lose 10 or fifteen, but the references to her weight by my mother are not necessary. Very atrractive, personable, nice to everyone, and smart--she was offered the job by the county when the past treasurer quit before her term was up. Can be a little hard headed when it comes to me asking her to do something she doesn't believe in. Note: both sisters are divorced, and what marrigaes remain are weak. Her parents don't sleep in the same bed. My family has no broken marriages on neither side that I know of. Detra is classy but there are issues in the extended family with a niece with a child by the age of 17, still living at home at 21 and probably still we be for life. My background is from a small (one sister, older) middle or upper middle class family.

 

this is both of our first marriages.

 

If it will help, Detra family lived very in a rural area, but that was because of her Dad. her mom and Detra's two sisters were more "city" people.

 

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I guess I am not really organized in my response, but the problem really comes down to the issues with my mother-- and according to Detra, and me not lighting into her. But I have replied again because you need to know a couple of things:

 

We talked last night for about an hour. It was very non -confrontational. She just said that the things I have mentioned have just finally gotten to her.

 

1. Detra says she still loves me, and I am sure she does.

2. says maybe we should separate for a while--she says she needs time to think and I need time to think. i was thinking the same thing last week, but now that it is real, I don't want to.

3. I asked her to try to overlook the comments by my mother, pointing out that it is not just Detra she thinks she has to say ugly things about--she says them to me to, and Detra nodded. i also told her (again) that I regret the staying out late, and will not do it, as I haven't done it for a few months.

4. She left again for her friend"s at 1:00 a.m.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Cher--

 

one more thing, then i will have told you everything, or at least the major things.

 

We don't have sex much, and it is my fault. I have never had the need for sex very often. however, Detra lists this no higher than third or even fourth on her list of problems. (She also is very concerned because people have started rumours about her, as often happens when someone is in a highly visible position like her's-rumours about her and another male employee which are not true.) We are both too conscientous, especially her, and need a big dose of "don't give a ____ what people think!"

 

I know what you may be thinking--but there is nothing wrong with my sexual preference.

even when I was in my sexual "prime,' I wasn't very active--didn't have sex until early twenties. I don't really have any explanation--I am normal in every other way! Over my Christmas break I am seeing a doctor about something for libido and/or desire. Let me clarify--not only do I not have sex with my wife much, I don't have it with anyone else,nor do I WANT it with anyone else.

 

 

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your replies with helpful, detailed, additional information.

Your situation with your mother's and Detra's relationship is not uncommon. Most mothers (parents) don't think the person their child is married to, is 'good enough' for them. Also, some people are always this way, and also become more 'unfiltered' in their old age, and feel it's 'okay' to say whatever they feel, even if it hurts others' feelings. While I understand you wanting to respect your mother, because we're taught to respect our elders, no matter how old we are, you need to have a discussion with her regarding her behavior toward Detra (and other people in the family, if you choose to throw that in). Tell her that you love her and respect her, but she hurts feelings when she says certain things she says, and there's no excuse for that, regardless of a person's age. Ask her not to say anything demeaning or critical of Detra to her face and/or behind her back, as it is hurtful to Detra and it's causing problems for you. Also, tell her that you locked the bedroom door when your mother was visiting because you were embarrassed about the condition of the room and didn't want her to see it, as you didn't have time to make the bed, etc., before rushing off to work. Detra had nothing to do with it, it was your decision, and she owes Detra an apology. It's most likely that Detra and your mother will never be best friends, but it's possible for them to function more amicably together, and no feelings need to be bruised.

Even though you're having problems with your mother interfering in your marriage (to which you really need to put a stop), there are other factors which are contributing, as well.

I find it odd that this comparatively new friend your wife has made, and to whom she might offer a job, has become so close with her in such a short amount of time--close enough to have her come to her house at 1:00 in the morning and stay until 5:00AM. If your wife needs a friend to talk to, because she has things on her mind, that's very understandable. She can speak on the phone, through emails, or in person, at a decent time of day/evening. The fact that the friend invited her to stay over if she's (Detra) hit a rough patch in her marriage, was a kind offer, but again, usually, an 'old', trusted friend would make this offer, and not a person she doesn't know that well, or for too long.

Not to add fuel to the fire, but do you think there's any possible chance that Detra is being unfaithful to you? You mentioned the rumor at work, regarding a particular man, and yes, I understand how people in public office are more vulnerable to these rumors, but her current behavior may belie something you haven't thought of, or don't want to considered.

Have you ever been unfaithful or thought of straying? This doesn't necessarily have to mean having sex with someone else, as you say you have no desire to do that and have never done that. When things get uncomfortable at home, it's not uncommon for a person to seek comfort elsewhere. You say that you are not that interested in sex, and that's alright, plus you indicate that Detra doesn't put it right up there as a number one priority, so that's good for your marriage, as it's not a point of contention, but even though she says that, she may be feeling neglected on a deeper level, re: your sexual relationship. I'm glad you've decided to seek counsel and medical advice re: your libido, and maybe that will make a positive difference in the situation.

You say that when you used to stay out late, it was to go to a music store and look for instruments for your band, but you also mentioned that sometimes you'd come home as late as 2:30AM. If the store closed at 8, you'd have some dinner, and the drive home is over an hour, but you wouldn't be coming home so late. Can you imagine what Detra was thinking, when you wouldn't be home for such a long time? You said you kept in touch by cell phone about every 45 minutes, but still, what could she have thought you were doing for so many hours?

I'm very glad to hear that you had a long discussion with her last night, and got some important issues out on the table, and were able to discuss them calmly and rationally. Detra leaving at 1AM to go to her friend's house was not an appropriate behavior, after you had just had this heart to heart and cleared the air about some specific things that have been troubling both of you for a long time.

I think it would be a good idea for you to start couples (marriage) counseling with a professional therapist in your area. You need to talk things out, in person, with a professional, and start making attempts at changing certain things in your lives, now, to improve your life together in the future. I believe you love each other very much, and I do think you need more open communication, without fear of reprisal.

You can't be responsible for the words that come out of your mother's mouth, but you can defend your wife, and/or speak to your mother privately and tell her to stop being nosy and hurtful with her comments, as I mentioned earlier. It's difficult to 'choose' between your wife and your mother/family, but there's really no choice to be made; when you're married, you're bound to defend your wife in front of her, to your mother. Agree with your mother that she SHOULD be doing things that make her happy, now; she deserves it!

While it's difficult to keep everyone happy, your main obligation is to keep your marriage sound and your wife happy. You will derive happiness from this, too.

I hope you're able to begin marriage counseling and obtain the tools to make your marriage and relationship stronger and better, with improved communication.

I wish you and Detra much good luck!

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18711
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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