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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I am a 25yr woman who dated a 20yr man. We were together since

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I am a 25yr woman who dated a 20yr man. We were together since Jan 08 until about 3 weeks ago. We were in Afghanistan together. The entire time we were together our relationship was almost perfect. No arguments, no issues, sex was amazing, everything was good, even our communication. We talked about everything. In May, he redeployed back to the states and I stayed in Afghanistan. Even then, we spoke everyday. About 2 weeks before I went home on leave, he emailed me telling me he slept with another female twice and that she is now 3 months pregnant. I told him I loved him and we will talk about it and work it out when I get home. So, I got home, he picked me up from the airport and we spent that night together. The next night, I called him and his 'baby mama' answered the phone. There is more to the story but i'm running out of characters . I really don't know what to do. I still love hime so very much and want to be with him, he says he wants the same thing. PLEASE HELP!!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. The other Experts and I are working on your answer. By the way, it would help us to know:

-Could you reply and finish your questions including whether or not this woman is now living with him?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

so, I spoke to her on the phone after I called him and he didn't answer, and she commences to telling me everything. Apparently, they have been living together for, at the time, 3 weeks; she is having twins, she cooks, cleans and does everything else for him. She also says he has a bacterial infection and wanted to know, when we slept together the night before, if we used a condom. I told her yes, answered all her questions and did not lie. she asked if we were getting married because he bought a ring and didn't give it to her and she thought it was for me. I spoke to him about it and he doesnt want her to have the baby. He says he doesnt want her to be the mother of his child plus he is not ready for the responsibility. She is 19yrs and has a 1yr son. I am back in Afghanistan now and we talk everyday and everynight. He says he wants me in his life and for me to hold on a little while longer. I really love him and don't know how long I should hold on. He is 20yr, handsome, soldier, extremely talented, avg. 25k-30k per year. I am 25yr, got a career, 143k per yr, 2 homes, no kids, never been married (the no kids and never been married part is what attracted us, he does not know how much i make.) But those are our vital :). Sad part is, he was supposed to move into one of my houses as part of taking the next step in our relationship on the same weekend that I found all this out. He still tell me he loves me. His friends tell me he loves me. His co-workers tell me he loves me. I don't know what to believe because he can't love me that much and live with another woman. Oh, and his reason is that he grew up without a father and don't want his child(ren) to go through the same thing.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

Grious20,

 

Unfortunately his two nights of indiscretions have cost him a lifetime of being connected to this woman and now he feels obligated to take care of her because she is carrying his children and even though he doesn't want her to have the twins it's her body and the final decision is hers which isn't fair because it took two to make the children and the fact that she has a one year old son at 19 years old says alot for her promiscuity. It's noble of him to not just walk away but he has to understand that he cannot make a life with someone he does not care about or love that will make for a miserable life. He is going to have to prove to you that he is sorry for what he did while the two of your were worlds apart and he should have shown some type of self control if he truly loved you. If I were you I wouldn't make any long term plans with him until he figures this all out and decides what he is going to do, I do believe that he didn't mean for all of this to happen and regrets it happening but you cannot take back what has been done there are children on the way now but he has to be very careful and make sure that these children are his and get a DNA test when ot if the babies come.

 

He doesn't have to stay with her but he does have to support her through this at least until the babies are born. As far as the two of you are concerned you have to try and get the trust back and him allowing her to live there with him is not helping the situation at all but you don't want to do anything that will push him to her. What you are going to have to do is ask yourself if you love him enough to forgive his indiscretion and if your answer is yes to that then you have to let go of the past and move on to the future. He may have to allow her to keep their place and move out so that he can show you that he is serious about being with you, he will have to take care of the bills if she is not working but his living there is not going to help your situation at all because this woman will always be there.

 

You can work through this but it's going to take ALOT of patience and trust on your part and alot of soul searching on his part to see why he did this in the first place and to make sure it doesn't happen again I don't believe the old say "Once a cheater always a cheater." I believe that if someone wants to change they can they just have to use self control and want to be a better person than they've been. You don't have to be with someone to take care of your responsibility but this woman does need his support right now but if you want to be with him then he is going to have to get his own place and show you that he is serious about being with you and still take care of his responsibilities as well.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you so much. I had so many thoughts rushing through my mind that I didn't know which ones were the right ones to listen to. Seeing that someone else doesn't think i'm crazy for still being in love with him helps self esteem a lot. I know it won't be easy but I am will to work towards making things right and I am sure he is to. His problem is that he doesn't open up to anyone so he, like I was, is left to whatever is going on in his head. I will reccomend this site to him and hopefully he comes here and get some advice and a sense of direction.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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KimberlyF
KimberlyF
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750 Satisfied Customers
Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com