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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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My ex is getting married to the wrong person, just after a

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My ex is getting married to the wrong person, just after a few months after we broke up. I need him to know that I am sorry for what happenned between us and ask him to give me another chance. How can I do that?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long did you date?

 

-Why and when did you break up?

 

-How long has he known this person he is going to marry?


Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I'm 25 and he is 28 yrs old. We started dating in 2005. He moved 3000miles to be with me during the time we were together-though we never moved in together.We broke up officially last year in February 2007. He used to drink a lot which caused problems in our relationship. Not only that but he was continuosly unfaithful, which in the end drove me to do crazy things because I couldn't trust him. We fought constantly. I even cought him one day with this girl but I could never leave him. Matter of fact, he wanted us to move in together so we could maybe improve our trust issues and he also had me cosign a car for him. He wud drive my car to both his jobs and that would leave me taking the bus. His credit was bad so he asked me if I could cosign a car for him and we would move in together and he would make payments and we can save more. Well, b4 we could move in together, we had 2 big physical fights. One about the car, he wouldn't share his car when my car broke down which I thought was very selfish and the major fight that finally led to our breakup was when he was drunk and wanted to go meet these girls and hangout with his bad influence friends after I had specifically made plans with him. So had such a terrible physical fight, both of us being very physically aggressive. So he broke up with me. I was left with a lease for a place that we were supposed to move in together, and had to break that lease, I was in so much debt bcoz of him. He stopped making payments on the car which forced me to take the car from him forcefully 3 months later. He never forgave me for that. Not only that but I had my own car to pay for that needed to be fixed and payed off. His car broke down and I also had to pay thousands of $ to fix it. Meanwhile, he never wanted to see me or talk to me, and he moved out of town- cross country. I was left in debt, I picked up 2 jobs and even that didn't cut it. So on top of that I became an escort for about 2-3months on top of my 2 regular jobs that I worked everyday 12hr shifts for till I finally paid everything off. I dont have anyone to ask for money, both my parents are deceased and none of my friends could have helped me with that kind of money.Finally in Oct 2007, he call me and tells me how he messed up and once to fix things btw us. How he trully loves me and wants to be with me. How he would do anything to prove he's changed and that he wanted us to be together, even if it meant going to rehab- but off course I would have had to pay for it since he didnt have any money. Well, I didn't take him back that easily even though I really loved him still. Matter of fact in Dec he came back in town for a week and treated me like a queen. We were in heavenly bliss, till he left again for a month to go back out of town to "collect the rest of his stuff" so he claimed. I never heard from him the entire time he was gone. Then in Feb 08 he comes back, again sayin he really wants us to work things out but he was insecure about me and if I had gotten another boyfriend or not, or if I still loved him, or who else I was talkin to. Well I was too because apparently there was another girl he had been seeing who lived in town who I heard after the fact, that he was staying with her when he came back. I asked him about her and he said he was done with her and wanted me. Well I gave him a hard time and acted as if I didnt need him as though he didnt mean anythin to me. We would still see each other from time to time. I told him I wanted to take it slow, but we would have sex. Finally in April he said to me, he didnt want to take it slow anymore, he said either I have all of you or nothing. He said he was convinced I was seeing someone else but he had no reason to think that. He was basing this on the fact that I was taking it slow with him, which meant to him that maybe there was someone else. I told him there was nobody else but him and he asked me to prove it. He asked for my phone to see who I've been talking to, and I seriously didnt have anything to hide, so I gave it to him- under the condition that he gives me his too. He wanted us to lay everything on the table- no secrets. He got a hold of my phone and he never gave me his. Then he found an old old text message in my phone from an old client during my escort days. He asked me to explain, so I told him, thinking if he trully loved me, with time he'll understand and forgive me. But then that was it. He was so upset he ended it right there and there. I tried explaing and begging after that and telling him that I love only him but he wouldnt take me back. So I left him alone for a few weeks until in June 2008 he decided he wants to try us again. He decided he would forgive me with time, that he still loves me and that we would go for counselling together and work things out. He said we would finally move in together and that he would try to trust me and that the only way is if I had his baby. Which I didnt agree with and told him we would have to get married first and he said no problem, he would marry me in a heartbeat. I paid for a weekend getaway for us to bond- which was great even though I was stubborn the whole time and not showing all my affection to him. When he got back, he said he still didnt trust me, he used an excuse about some email he saw of mine that I flirted with some guy during the time when we were apart and he said thats it. He could never trust me. He said I wasnt good enough for him, how I'm not what he's looking for in a woman, how I disgust him etc. So after that, I left him alone. So from June to November I never called him, or went by his place, or emailed him or contacted him, which was very hard for me to do. Until one day, beginning of last month he emails me saying that he found my car stranded on the side of the road for a few days and got worried about me. I was surprised that he would still care and I asked him what the hell does he want. He said he wanted to talk to me about something important but wouldnt say what it was. He kept insisting on me giving him my number but I wouldnt give it to him. I told him, either email me whatever you want to talk about or give me YOUR number and when I'm ready I'll call you. But he wouldn't give me his number and kept insisting that we talk. Finally, I said to him, "Iknow what you want, and I'm sorry I cant help you" "If its anything to do with your credit, or the car or money- I'm sorry I cant help u"

Then he got upset and replied saying that the last thing he needs from me is money, how he got injured at work and was awarded a settlement of $53,000 and that he needs nothing from me!! I thought well okau, so what do you want to talk to me about, and why should I care how much money he has in his bank account?? B

But one saturday night, after 2 weeks, and after I went out with a friend and had a few glasses of wine, I thought "What if he did get injured? what if he got paralyzed or something? What if he's telling the truth" And I got worried and went to his house and knocked on his door at 1am. To my surprise, a girl was living with him- a different girl from the one earlier this year! And she told me that they were engaged!!

 

I was in a state of shock. I mean, how could he already be engaged to a girl that he's known a few months (Ithink) and yet mid this year he was talking about how he wanted us to get married and how much he loved me. I though maybe if I gave him his space he would come around, but I never thought he'd be getting married!!!!!! Another thing is I think he's also marrying this girl because he wants his green card, but in an email he wrote me later he told me he's marrying her for love, that I should move on and leave him alone and forget about him and never come around. If he had never contacted me in the first place, I would have never been in this dilemma, I would have never gone to his house that night. Then what did he want from me if he was already engaged? What did he want us to talk about so badly? And why is he casting me away as if he never said he wanted us to talk. He's not the kind of guy who would tell me he was getting married either.

 

Then 2 days ago, I dressed up real good, had my hair done and a sexy outfit and went to his house at a time I knew that he would be alone at home becasue that's the time he used to message me from his computer. For the first time in months I saw him face to face and I wanted him to tell me to my face that he loves this girl and is marrying her. He told me that he's not getting married and that its a long story. I seduced him and soon we started kissing- but we never had sex- though he came. He asked me to keep it a secret and asked for my #. I never gave it to him. The next day, yesterday, I email him saying we could chat onlune instead, and he replied and said what happenned was a mistake and that he really cares for this girl and is marrying her next month and that he's happy and that he cant say he really has any feelings for me at all. Where did they go then?? What happenned to the love he claims he had. Can it just disappear?

 

I just felt awful. I just wanted him to forgive me and give me a chance. If anything, I guess him a chance the many times that he came in and out of my life. Why couldnt he give me a chance just this time. If he said he really loved me like he mentioned this year, then why is he marrying this girl??? Why doesnt he want to fight for me. Love is work, why doesnt he want to put in the work? Did he even really love me and if not why did he convince me that I was it for him, that I was the one. Even after I told him about the things I had to do for work, for a while I thought he said he still loved me but what happenned? When someone loves you, dont they always love you? Honestly if it were me I would fight for the person I love if I trully love them. But I'm not sure if I can figght anymore if he's not. I want to fight for him, and show him that he's wrong about me. But what can I do????? What should I do? I've been going for counselling for like 3 months which helped a little till he made contact then I lost myself again. I'm afraid I love him too much to just let him go. I want us to be happy again, I want to make him happy again and for him to love me again. What must I do to get him back?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Trying to get over a break up is difficult enough, but when you see them with someone else or about to marry someone else the feelings of regret come into your mind and heart because you now realize that you love him and want him back even though he is about to marry someone else. It's very common for people to fall into the rebound relationship after a bad break up, he may be filling a void. When they find that person they are afraid to lose them also and usually make the mistake of jump in too far too soon, try not to be vindictive towards your ex because you don't want them with someone new. Acting immature will only push him more towards their new love.

 

The fact that the two of you had such a troublesome relationship is going to make it very hard to go back. Either sit him down and explain to him your feelings and how you regret how things ended or sit down and write him a letter stating that you know he is getting married but you had to write your feelings to him so that you could find closure this will let you know if he is truly in love with this person or using them to get over you. You may have to reserve yourself to the fact that he might have just moved on. if you tell him that you still care and how much you care it may make him re-evaluate your relationship and think about you. Whether they're thinking good or bad thoughts, the fact that they're thinking about you at all is a very good sign.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
But how would I know that he's thinking about me? And should I write this letter in email form or paper letter. I would like to write in in paper but I would not know if he got it or not or if his fiance opened it. And what if he never responds? He saw me 2 days ago and let me in his house the other day but maybe that didnt mean anything to him as he said. How will I know if he still cares from his response? If he does respond? How will I know he's really trying to resist me in order to marry this girl for whatever reason. Before he let me in to his place, when I was standing outside the dorr, he first resisted letting me in saying "I don't think it's a good idea- not because of you, but because of me and how it may affect me" What did he mean by that?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

It seems he is trying to make himself believe that he doesn't care for you anymore. If he didn't want anything to do with you he could have very well made you stand at the door but he asked you in. Writing the letter is going to have to be a chance that you take that he will actually get the letter and not his fiance try sending it to him without a return address and then put the address on the inside along with your name this way she may think it's just business or bills. If he has truly moved on he will tell you so in the letter if he responds, he may have been fed up with trying to get you back only to be shot down over and over again. This may be why he moved on to this other woman, tell him your true feelings at the time that he asked you to take him back and you refused. You have a history together and it wasn't all good what makes you think this time around would be better? This is something you have to ask yourself before you write the letter. If he does write you back and it sounds like he is no longer in love with you and is ready to move on, you then have to start a healing process and try to find the closure you will need to get over this but if by his words it sounds like there is hope then ask him what is next and go from there.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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