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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I have been dating this guy for 2 years. Shortly after meeting

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I have been dating this guy for 2 years. Shortly after meeting him he quit his job and moved in with me. He hasn't worked since the day he moved in. There has always been an excuse. Needless to say I have felt used. He is extremely demanding and impossible to please. I have keet trying, but I get so frustrated. He tells. He tells me how useless I am since I am a stay at home mom . I tell him to stop and I ask him not to spend money, but he doesn't listen. It isn't until I get beyond frustrated and I push him that things just blow up. Once I open that door it is all over. He threatens to kill me....calls me names I would never even repeat.   In March I had enough. I told him to quit using me for money and i pushed him. He head-butted me and tried to strangle me. The police were called and he went to jail. Now he is out, and I let him back because I believed all of his lies and I felt responsible. He still isn't working and he blames me for the felony. He says he is the abused man.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
How do you get money to pay your bills?

How many children do you have and what are their ages?

Has he gotten physicall with you since he's been back? Argumenative? fighting?

How long was he in jail? Did they make him take anger management?

What are your ages?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

The money to pay my bills comes from my allimony and child support. I have three children with my ex husband whom I was married to for 3 years. My children are 7, 5, and 3.


Yes, he has been physical and I always fight back. It usually starts with verbal abuse on his part and then it escalates. I should let you know that all of our fights are over money and the abortion he demanded I have last year. The amount of money he spends at the bar and gambling has been financially devastating, but he keeps telling me that I owe him....


He was in jail for 3 months. They are making him take anger management classes, but he says I am the one who needs them. He wrote me so many letters telling me he realizes he was wrong and how sorry he was, but now he takes it all back. Frequently he will demand money to move out. When I had it I would give it to him, but he would never move out. Now I don't have it, and I don't feel that I should have to pay someone to end a relationship (they should just leave.)


He swears that I can ask every other woman he has dated and that he is not a violent person, but I know for a fact that it is not true.


I am 31 and he is 34


Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I should also add that I am the one paying for his restitution and domestic violence classes since he can't afford it.


I was with my husband for 12 years and we were never violent with each other. I am just so angry with my boyfriend. He doesn't even act like a boyfriend. He is only affectionate when he wants sex, and he is very selfish about it. The selfishness just hurts me more. I have never been with someone who doesn't care if they hurt my feelings. Last week he really hurt my feelings and I was crying to him about it while telling him he hurt my feelings and he said :you better call 911 c**t because I am going to kill you, so I did and he freaked and when I told him to leave he refused, so I punched him in the nose. The police did come, but he told them that we didn't call and said if I didn't go along with it I would be the one going to jail for domestic violence.


I don't feel like this is man who loves me. I feel like this is a con artist and a dangerous person, but he keeps telling me that it isn't me that it is him. I honestly feel like I am fighting for my dignity and to keep from financial ruin.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Sorry, I realize I need to clarify a few things. He keeps telling me that it is me and not him who is to blame.


Previously I was married to my highschool sweetheart. I met my current boyfriend shortly after my husband told me he was dating his secretary. I suppose the timeline is a little confusing. Let me know if you have any other questions. I am trying to be careful because I don't want him to know that I have asked you these questions.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Based on what you have told me, you are very are in a dangerous situation that can result in serious injury or death to you and/or your children. Men like him are damaged and he doesn't care who he damages back. I don't know why you have stayed with him and kept your children in this situation, but you have to realize right now that this situation is very bad....this goes beyond hurt feelings, this is a sickness that he's never going to get well from unless he goes to prison for a long time or gets into some serious therapy. Even if he were to go into therapy today, i would still tell you to run as fast as you can away from him.

Basically it's not about you, it's not about him, and it's not about who loves who or who doesn't love who.....what it has to do with is those children. If you have boys, you are teaching them to beat women....if you have girls, you are teaching them that when a man beats you it means they love you, and almost assuring they will get into relationships with men who beat them. Even if you break up with him now, you will want to get therapy for the kids, because it remains to be seen how affected or damaged they are by this already.

You think that him telling him he's going to kill you is a bluff? Many times men like this will kill the children because he knows that would hurt you so much more. Hitting him is probably the worst thing you can do because you're giving him and excuse to hit you more. Also, if you get domestic violence charges against you, who's going to take care of your kids? Your ex could get custody of them and you would get visitation...maybe. AND on top of that, you'll have it on your record.

What if he kills you? Would he get caught? Would he take your kids and run? Would your ex have to fight him in court to get the kids? What if he kills the kids? You have to think about all of these things because although you might think he won't, a man who hits a woman is lacking social morals and is capable of anything.

Do you see how sick it is that you are paying for his restitution and domestic violence classes? seriously? You have got to figure this out and make a decision, you sound so smart, and like you know what whats going on, but for some reason you aren't making the right decision here. I know you might think I'm being harsh, but I really can't stress enough how dangerous it is for you to remain with this man. If you have to leave to get him out of your life, then you might have to do that. You can get a restraining order, you can move, there are shelters for women in this situation as well as places that will help you get on your feet and away from him, but you have to do it ASAP. Once you do, you're going to need to talk to someone, therapist or counselor that can help you get to the bottom of why you chose to stay in this relationship and how you can avoid doing it again. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
of course he's going to tell you it's you...why not, of course he's not going to take the blame. Don't listen to that crap....the only thing you are guilty of is staying with him one second longer. Do you think that your ex made you feel worthless by cheating on you, so now you have someone that treats you like you're worthless? You deserve so much better, and so do your kids. You have to get out, and get out NOW. It's not like he's supporting you or that you need him to survive. He's taking food out of your kids mouth by being a leech. He needs to go or you need to go, and I would NOT tell him ahead of time that you are leaving, that is the most dangerous time in leaving these relationships. If you want to make him leave, I would tell him as little as possible, file the restraining order and one day when he is out, change the locks, and call the police if he wont leave. Overall the best thing is for you to leave, that way he doesn't know where you are, if he knows where you are, there's always the chance that he can do something. Or the next time he hits you, call the police, he'll be violated and put back in jail and that will give you time to move. I know it's hard, but if you can't think of yourself, you at least need to think of the kids.


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