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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Hi Chase, its me again. In a way we start dating again. but

Customer Question

Hi Chase,
its me again. In a way we start dating again.
but how come I cant trust her completely that she is not in contact with the other guy/ the other guy not texting her etc. Cuz i notice sometimes whe went to the bathroom and when i joke her "was it a big one?" she said nothing.

Tonight we goin for a dinner (she initiate it)
but how do i know for sure that she isnt doing this so her family is in peace. is there a way to ask her if she really want this to work, or what?

she mention abut redeeming herself etc, but i told her i forgiven her. And i even said that I will hug the other guy cuz for what happened had made me a stronger man. (some said I should tell her i wanna punch him in the face, that what woman likes to hear but not admit)

=\ maybe im over analyzing things i uno!
but today she missed calling me twice like..
in the morning she text me. ill call u when i reach work
but no call.

then she call me at break, but she said she'll call me after her lunch. but no call again.
but we do set a meeting after work.
its just whats up with the no call, when u said will call

shes overly protective with her cellphone it seems.
she always bring it anywhere at home too, to the toilet etc.

I duno, i want to woo her with all my heart
but it feels like i cant trust her completely and its hard in my end.

any advice?

o btw, if u forgot the story, refer to previous thread by me. u was helping me but problem is not solved
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for requesting me.

If you want to go out with her again, thats fine, but don't put yourself totally 'out there'. She has to show you that she's not going to cheat again, and that she is willing to be with you. If you tell her that you are happy she did this or that you're going to hug the guy then it's basically telling her that it's ok that she did what she did.

I would be concerned if she's hiding her phone or protecting her phone from you, thats a good sign that someone is doing something wrong. Also the not calling back isn't good either. You are right to feel like you can't completely trust her, and even if you decide to stay with her, I would still be on my guard until she showed me that she really wanted to be with me.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
just came back from her home
we found out she still in contact with the guy

so, i confronted her
her family confronted with the guy by phone (the guy is not answering back, he called and b silence on the phone then hang up)
she said, shes the one that text the guy to call her.

after talking, she agreed to give us a 1 year chance. If her feelings dont return then its over.
she also burst out all the things she want me to change. I promised her i will change, and I already am.
again, she said she will not contact the guy at all. and will be strong if he try to contact her. But this is up to her.
right now, I am just focusing on getting money, finishing school and everytime we r together, getting her good times.

she mention that when I sms her with "beautiful, hot etc" that annoys her.
but i thought thats what she want to hear. cuz during our relationship i seldom said those words.

her brother told me that the last time they spoke
she was crying and said "it'll be allright, i will fix everything right now"

ill post again, if she contact me.
right now what im doing is waiting for her call.
1-3 days she said.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
the best thing I can tell you is to stop doing the things you think you are supposed to be doing and just be yourself. Dont say beautiful or hot becuase you think thats what she wants to hear, say it because you mean it. The relationship can only work if she's willing to work at it too, not just seeing what you are going to do. Give it some time and see if things change. I'm always here if you want to talk more

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
by giving sometime.
what do exactly i have to do?

should I do nothing, text her once a day. or?
its been 24 hour since we contacted
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
hows marriage counceling work?
i research and its like 150 per hour
how many session normally it will take and is it effective, what do they do there?
I am saving money ;(
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
its been 2 days now since we last contacted

her sister told me she wake up very early and went to gym
i might overanalyze but, she been working so many hours, and during this time she going to gym early?

Maybe i have this doubt because I cant trust her.

another piece of information that I hide from you chase.
I hid it because im afraid of something happen to her.
I am married with her for 1 year now.
the reason why I dont tell you is, she only have a temporary green card, im a citizen ( i petition her card) but during the marriage. I am 100 percent sure of her love to me and my love to her.
if we get divorce she might get deported.

should I keep waiting for her call?
should I talk to the other guy?
suggest me something i can do.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
yesterday, I told her
"if u dun break up with the other guy, ill just sue u for marriage fraud"
and she said "give her last chance"

i talked to the guy nicely
we finally talk
"i said that i dun hate him, im ok with what happened because its a wake up call for me"
I told him that we wasnt always like this, we just had a rough time at the end, especially a fight during the time he is courting her.

He said "he understand, he was too was hurt before. that same thing happened to him. He said he will break it off tonight with her." we talked for 20 mins, no hatred and such.

then few hours later she called me
"I just wanna die, y cant u let me go"
then i said
"the same reason u cant let him go"

what i said to her, and what happened that night must make her hate me.
but at that time, I dont c any other way to get a chance back.

whats the best thing to do, to lower her hate
and open her heart again.
she seems to not able to remember any good times we had right now.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Nama,

I was wondering why you asked about marriage counseling. If you go to church, your priest, pastor or reverend might be able to counsel the two of you.You did tell me that at one time she did love you but that you treated her bad,od didn't love her in the way she loved you. I think that things might be able to be worked out if she is willing to give it a chance, but she has to be serious about giving you a chance or you have to let it go. I don't think that threatening her is going to be a good way to get her to come back, it may even make things worse.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
yeah, but right now.
she needs time to be able to forgive me/ not hate me

she said " i dont want a priest councelor"
i guess she know that priest would be againts affairs and divorce

how much time do u think i should stay away from her?
her family is trying to get as much family time together with her at the moment
because she been working midnight and have not spend time with them in the past year
they think that if she can feel family love again. she might return to her old self.

her relationshiop with the guy is about 2 months.
how long usually that take to get over?

thx.. ill keep updating whats up
for now. im giving her space.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I text her " know ur hating me right now. In time, u will know y i did what i did"
she text back "What did u do <myname>"
then i replied "threatened my wife so she will return to me"
its 3 am when i replied so she should be sleepin by then.

we used to have same passwords for email and such thats y i can check her phone usage. but yesterday she changed all her password. I hope this dont mean bad news.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She said shes serious about giving us a chance.
we been talking on phone 3 times a day, and text here and there.
she text me goodnight, good morning msgs.

we talked about mm, well she talk about her problems, some family secrets revealed to me too. then she talk about shopping etc. normal stuff.. but we communicating ok.
we said we gonna start to c the councelor after new year.
and we gonna start trying reconcilation then and give each other space for now.

so I dont know what r we doing now, calling and texting.
any suggestions?

My car will be up and running by end of december.
My plan is to take her and her family to church every sunday.
attend counceling on saturdays.
and pick her up anytime i can to work and after work.

Is trying to show old pics work?
or what other things u think I should be doing to make things smoother?

Thx you for analyzing this matter.
Its been a long battle for me.
I know you have a lot of clients too, if you have time, plz review from day1 (from another post/thread from me)
because I think this is almost the last chapter of either I win her back or not.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Yes, talking about old times, looking at old photographs and her being reminded of how things used to be and hot they can be good again is ok, but not in a way that is pressuring to her. Its good that she has said that she will go to counseling, and that you are talking so and texting as much, thats very important. You will still want to give her the space she needs so that she doesn't feel pressured, but still keep in touch with her. Taking her and her family to church is a good start, and i think the counseling will help a lot. If she likes to read, get her a book called "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran, or buy her a nice book of poetry, something that will show her that you've been thinking of her. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
she texts me in the morning (good morning msg)
and goodnight
and during her break at work, she calls

I guess things going the right way, but how do I eliminate my fear
that inside I have fear that she will betray me again, and all this is her act
My heart wants to believe, but my brain says something else sometimes

is it common for a woman who love me for 6 years
to stray with another man (slept with him twice within a month)
and come back?
I forgiven her, cause I know its my fault too to neglect her.
But how do i take my doubt away?
and can she be with me knowing she strayed herself?
can she forget the other guy?


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
she call me today, we talk etc
then i ask her a question

"hey, i kno i told u that u can have a week to settle things with him, how did it go?"

she says
"the last time i text him he never reply, so i guess its settled"

then i say
"o ok, so i take it that u two settle things out"

she says
"yeah"

then me say
"we also agree to start things after new year, u still wanna wait that long"

she says
"yeah, can we do that plz"

then i say yeah, sure. just keep in touch

then she says
"yeah, ill text u and call u tomorrow"

we been talking about everyday stuff. we havent talked about "us"
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
The goof thing is that she is calling you and texting you. thats very positive. You cant erase that fear you are feeling right now, because you've recently been hurt so it's going to take time to get past it and to learn to trust again.

You have to make changes and she has to make changes....she has to show you the changes, and you have to show her the changes. Hopefully she will not cheat again, and if she says she's not, you have to decide whether to trust her or not.

Sometime they never come back, so you are lucky that she is saying she's willing to give everything a second chance. Even though you are not talking about it now, you should still consider couples counseling to work through everything that happened.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
she said she was gonna return the watch he gave her as gift
but as far as i know they dont c each other anymore

should i ask her tonight when she call like
can i have that watch, ill return or throw it away for you

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
No, you are already focusing on too much on this other guy. The more focus you put on this guy, the more focus she's going to put on him, and the focus needs to be on the two of you, not on the three of you.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
when we talk on phone, lately its kinda briefs (what u doin etc)
I think she rarely ask me what I'm doing, but that also because I end up telling her what Im doing myself. I wonder if I dont tell her what Im doing she will ask.
is there topics I should bring up?

Should I try ignore her for a day and c if she try harder to keep in touch?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
so i went to her home today, my excuse was that I have to take my cousins (who is visiting from seattle to his friends house) which happens to be near her home. So I was there in her home around 11 am. She just got home from her other job, cuz at saturday she work 7 PM -7 AM and travel around 1 and half hours.

so she was sleepin on her mom's room.
So when i get there, she wakes up (she kinda grumpy etc)
i think i was being needy a lil, asking to hold hand etc.

anywayz, then I left her sleep. I kiss her in the forehead when i leave.

I went with my cousins and his friends to eat. then after the eat, i went back to her home. Shes awake by this time, she was wrapping gift.
she ask "what do u want for xmas, i dun have anything for u yet"
i saw her list, i was like no 8/9 on the list. (every1 have something on the rightside telling whats their gift but i was left blank so far)
but she tells me she get annoyed that im around, that when im around she cant do anything. cuz that how she always is, she gets lazy when im around. She ask me to leave her alone and she needs time and space.

she also say things like
"I want to get out of this relationship but I cant"
"its not like im goin with the guy, I just want to focus on me"
"didnt we agree to let each other space till after new year?"

then somewhere along the line, i tolld her i found a counselor that can help us
she ask how much, i said 150 an hour, she agree to pay half half with me

then im leaving her home.
when im leaving, she ask me wheres the counselor phone?
i ave it to her and tell her
hey, just to make sure u kno, this heart is ready to take you back
she says "i know"
and ill do anything
she says "i know"
ok, just want to make sure u know.

then we end the day.

at night, she called me and say
"sry about today that i dont want u around me"
its ok, i understand u need ur time
"thank you"
sure, bye
"bye"

then we havent text or call since.

Now heres the thing,
what possible goin on here? Y do she need time alone?

o and she said
"part of me want this to work"
"part of me want out from this"
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
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