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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I work with a girl whos 6 years older than me (Im 27). Were

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I work with a girl who's 6 years older than me (I'm 27). We're not in the same department, so no worries there, but we do bump into each other alot in the common areas. This is where it gets awkward. I've gone out with her on perhaps 8-9 "dates", and quite early fatally made the mistake of expressing my feelings for her. She was cool and mature about it, and told me at that time that she wasn't exactly looking for a relationship. Yet, we proceeded to go out many times after. I've never kissed her on the lips, but curiously, she lets me put my arms over her, play with her hair, kiss her forehead etc. This last date happened 2 weeks ago. On thanksgiving weekend the next week, I might have been acting needy and txted, called her often. Since then, she's been giving me the "cold shoulder". Her excuse is that she's busy (she really does have exams), but the contact level has dropped precipitously (she usually initiates the IM, txts). So what happened, and how do I recover?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi, and thanks for your question.

It's possible that she really IS busy and preoccupied with exams, etc., as you mentioned, so I'd let her know you're still interested, but just don't 'push' in any way. When you see her at work, say 'hi', and ask how she is, then go on your way.

If she's the one that's been initiating the IM's and texting, etc., wait a few days, and drop her an email, saying you know she's busy with exams, but just wanted to know how things are going and perhaps you can get together to celebrate when exams are over. Don't make a specific date, leave it open-ended; see what kind of response you get.

If she doesn't respond, give her some time, until her tests are over, and then write again, or call her and ask her out. If she doesn't accept your invitation, I guess you can figure that she wants to move on, and you concentrate on doing the same. When you see her at work, say hi, nod, smile.

I don't think you did anything wrong, unless, as you mentioned, you seemed a little overly needy with the calls and texting, and that put her off. You might try talking to her about why she doesn't want to see you anymore, if this comes to pass, or just leave it alone and move on, with your dignity intact.

I wish you much good luck!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Cher, and thank you for your reply.

Can I continue with some followup questions? Last set I promise!

Certainly I understand if a girl is busy, but it's a clear indication that my interest level in her is much higher than the other way around if she suddenly drops or minimizes contact so drastically. Granted, this girl REALLY is super busy, but if you liked a person wouldn't you go a little out of your way to make contact? (In asking this question I'm wondering if I can determine her interest level)

I followed your advice, and asked her out after the exams. She said, depends on if she passes. That alone is ok, but I believe I'm coming off overly nice to her in general, and she's taken me for granted. I sent her a card to wish her the best through the exams, and she said "that's so sweet of you". To me, this is the kiss of death :). Akin to saying I'm the nice guy. Is there a way I can nudge her interest level in me up now?
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and of course, I welcome your follow-up questions! : )

I think you're going a little too full-force and putting her off, right now. The card WAS 'sweet', and a great thought on your part, to show her that you're interested in her doing well, and are 'there' for her, to offer encouragement, etc., but under the circumstances you described, it may have turned her off, if she thinks of you as 'needy', as you mentioned.

I'd definitely wait until after her exams are over, and take it from there. From what you said, yes, it does sound as if your interest level is higher than hers, AND her sudden drop in interest/contact may indicate she's not interested or not sure if she's interested in seeing you anymore, but I'd use the exam time as a time to accept her drop in interest, and see how she acts after her exams. If she acts the same way, I think you can assume she doesn't want to continue going out. If she does well on her exams and accepts your invitation to go out and celebrate, things may improve from there.

From the way she's acting now, I wouldn't take any steps to up her interest in you right now. I think you'll have to be patient and play it by ear. If you come on too strong, it might work against you, and even though you don't think you're coming on too strong, and you do sound like a nice guy, if she's under tensions from exams and vacillating in her feelings for you, she needs her space right now.

I understand that you don't want her to think you're not thinking of her, because you are, but if you push too hard, it might turn her off, so I'd take things slow and easy for now.

Please let me know how things are going.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18877
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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