How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask KimberlyF Your Own Question

KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
1572083
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
KimberlyF is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How to talk to your wife when you know she is seeing an old

Customer Question

How to talk to your wife when you know she is seeing an old boyfreind not sure to what extent but i do know he few to see her when I was out of town. We have been married 28 years and have a great realationship, last kid left for college in August. I am gone alot on weekends during this time of year hunting. We run a business together.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-How do you know he comes to see her?

 

-Have you told her you know this?

 

-How often are you gone when you go?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

First a couple of years ago she and a couple of friends took a trip to Arizona, she did attended an siminar which was the reason for her to go, which is the area he lived at the time and she told me that she meet up with him and had dinner and then next moring they all her and her freinds went to breakfast togethert. Let me add that I hunt alot during this time of the year and am gone alot on weekends. This got me real supicious so I start snooping, I checked her cell phone records for months before this and discovered, she would have hours of call when I was out of town talking to him and had also found on her company email address emails to and from him with attachments of pictures her to him him. Also had email that she was to meet him at Houston airport (the city we live in) but for some reason it did not work out. At that time I confronted her about it and she said that it was only a freindly realation ship, I really got upset and let me emotions flow , she said that if it brother me she would end communications with him. Let me also add this was a very close boyfriend when she was 18 we got together when she was 20 an married a year and half later. This is just some background info.

So I really felt like she did stop for a while but have not ideal how again she has been communicating with him, it may have never stopped for all i know. I ust know she was not calling him on her cell phone.

Now for the current.

She and one of the same friends took a trip to Michagan to this friends condo on Lake Michagan, she flew herself, the friend and her husband drove, husband went hunting so her freinds had some girl friends over since this is the hometown she is from. I again got suspicious so i checked our debit card records and discover a charge for a pay phone charge to him, i called and got the number she called and traced it and it was to him and now he lives in across the Lake Michagan. I now got even more supicious so i bought a recorder for our home phone about a month and a half ago had had been checking on a regular basis and found nothing so was getting pretty comfortable. Last night i listened to a tape that i had not listened to and discovered a conversation between them the night before i was going out of town about a month ago on Wednesday night and he was at the Marriot by airport and had come in to just see her, i was sick about it but did not let her know and have not discussed it with her. Let me add she very involved with our church and i may be naive but i just can not believe she is having sex with him but i have no proof either way. On this message she was going to his hotel room the next day at meeting him at 2 or so, leaving work early, she got his room number twice which she said she forgot the first time. He did call her beautiful when they were ending call. I was out of town that day Thursday at an out of town job and from there going to my hunting lease. They could have been together Thursday and Friday, but i am pretty sure I called her at home that night and she was at home.

I have not discussed anything with her and i might add we have a great relationship and our sex life is great, we work together and get along great, i am so comfused. I take care of her very well and give her alot of attention. Please help!

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

Your marriage is in jeopardy for many reason the most important one being that you feel you have to tap your phone and look at her private records if your marriage has gotten to this point it is time for you to seek some help outside the marriage either marriage counseling or talk to your clergyman, your marriage cannot go on this way it isn't healthy for either of you. Although you have good reason to doubt her, the fact that you had to go to such extremes to get answers is another warning sign that your marriage is in major trouble and you say you have a great relationship most good relationships do not involve the couple lying to each other and tapping phones. There has to be something missing that makes your wife have to stay in contact with this man unless she has unresolved feelings for him that she never quite got rid of before she met you. In any relationship, there are ups and downs but usually it is hard to deal with the rough times.

 

Do not lose hope because there are steps you can take to get your marriage back on track. Recognize that you have marriage a problem is the first step to get your marriage back. Some couples are in denial that they have problems in their marriage and pretending they are okay. Recognizing that you have problems in your marriage will help you know where to start in getting your marriage back on track.

 

You both should accept the mistakes you have made and learn from them. Your mistake was going to such extremes to get answers. There are times that arguments cannot be avoided in a marriage but arguments should not lead to more arguments and misunderstanding, there is nothing wrong in admitting your mistakes if it will benefit your relationship and will help you in getting your marriage back on track. You are humans and are going to make mistakes and you both will become a better people if you learn from your mistakes and do not commit the same mistakes over and over again.

 

It's important for you to be honest about the extreme ways you got your proof and then confront her about the proof you have, should accept the mistakes you have made and learn from them. Your mistake was going to such extremes to get answers. There are times that arguments cannot be avoided in a marriage but arguments should not lead to more arguments and misunderstanding, there is nothing wrong in admitting your mistakes if it will benefit your relationship and will help you in getting your marriage back on track. You are humans and are going to make mistakes and you both will become a better people if you learn from your mistakes and do not commit the same mistakes over and over again. It's important for you to be honest about the extreme ways you got your proof and then confront her about the proof you have.

 

To get your marriage back on track, you both need to communicate. The demands of married life might prevent you from having a good conversation but you both have to make an effort to communicate regularly. I would really recommend marriage counseling or clergyman they can find ways for you to get your marriage back to where you can trust her and not have to tap phones and read her emails. Maybe she will come clean as to whether or not she is cheating with this man or if it is more of an emotional connection.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX that tapping our phone is not the right thing to do and i do feel bad about it. I also saw on our card a charge the Sunday after she meet him with charges to two companies that are to protect our home computer from anyone getting any type of password XXXXX i know she is suspicous that i have tried to get her password XXXXX her hotmail account which i have but have not been able to which i have not tried in some time. With your answer i feel even worse now. How should i approach her about this situation, i need to do it tonight since our oldest kid will be home tomorrow night from college the Christmas holidays.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Don't feel bad she wasn't giving you the answers you wanted so you felt you had to do what you had to do I wasn't trying to make you feel bad and I'm sorry if I made you feel that way I was just saying that your marriage isn't as great as you may think it is if she is talking to this other guy and not giving you the answers you want and that you felt the need to have to go to extremes I understand why you did it but that is just another warning sign that you marriage is in trouble. I wouldn't confront her with the evidence and the fact that you were tapping the phone and going into her emails until after your child goes back to college that way there won't have to be any stress for the holiday. Then after they go back deal with everything try to make Christmas stress free and deal with this afterward. Many people have had to go to that extreme to get the concrete proof that they need so don't feel bad it's just sad that she would push you to that point.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I do not know if i can cover my feelings up that long, it will not be until mid January that kids go back to college. We had gone to her parents this past weekend for a famiy reunion and when we got back home last night unpacke went to church, she had to stay at church for a couple of hours for lecture traing which she heads. During this time is when i discovered this conversation which had take place over a month and a day before, she actually meet him on November 6th. I was really upset but new i had to hide my feeling, I know she new something was bothering me but i romanced her, we made love. I was a little distracted but i able to hid my emotions pretty well. Now remember we work together we have our own construction company this morning it is more difficult and she knows something is bothering me. If you think it is best i will do my best not to show my feelings. My concerns are suppose she see him again and I know they are communicating on her hot mail email, do not know how much but i suspect it is alot. Since he called her beautiful in that conversation. I am really worried I Love Her alot and do not want to loose her. She is the light of my life, we have worked to gether for 15 years and have had our ups and downs. If i do wait should i continue to monitor our home phone calls? Now i am worried that i have been blind for the last two years.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You know what is best for you I think that if you talk to her before they come home they may sense that there is something wrong when they come home and you don't want to ruin their Christmas vacation with tension. If she is into church she should know that this is wrong and will not and cannot end well. If you feel you can not hide it any longer then talk to her tonight but that is awfully close to when the kids come home. Ask her to not show that things are bothering the two of you if you do talk to her tonight. I would not listen to anymore phone calls if it hasn't been happening lately. Tell her everything about the phone tapping and the emails be completely honest about the things you have done to get the proof and then present her with the proof and tell her you need answers and would like to talk about this before the children come home. She might be angry with you but honesty is the best policy right now.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
So I should show her and let her listen to the tape? And show her that I traced that charge that got me suspicious and found out his cell phone numbers and where he lives? Do you feel that discussing in a month will or will not hurt our relationship. I worry about Christmas because everyone get more emotional including her old boyfriend, he may want to see her around that time when I gone. She has plenty of opportunities to see him especially if he comes to Houston. I have a notion that he does travel alot in his work. She has made comments before that she knows that I worry about her with someone and that I do not have anything to worry about. How can she say that with this type of proof that i have even if they do not have a sexual relationship this is not right and is not acceptable behavior for married couple.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

These are things you should say to your wife tell her you feel that as a married woman it's not good to be in contact with her ex, tell her you feel disrespected because she has been talking to him even when you asked her not to and she agreed. You will have to talk things out and then make up your mind that you will no longer spy on her and find a way to build the trust back to where you can trust her to be home while you are out of town and not meet this guy.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
But should I show her the evidence as listed above and what about time question? Could you respond to the other concerns and questions?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

That may be the only way she will know that you actually have proof is if you show her the proof that you do have. I doubt your wife would leave her family to with him on Christmas I think she would feel bad if her children were home and she was off with some ex. I also think she would be too afraid her children will see her with him and I doubt she would jeopardize that. That may be another reason not to ruffle her feathers during the holiday season it could possibly push her into his arms. Did I answer all of your other questions if not let me know what I've missed.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
What do you think about her comments about not to worry about anyone else?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I think that she is telling you the truth and that nothing has happened as to whether it will happen I'm not sure she may only want to be his friend but he may want more and she may like the attention. If you haven't heard anything that tells you for sure that she is cheating then you have no other choice but to take her word for it.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
What about he calling her beautiful, that is not what someone that is friends would say or would they?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

That is why I said he may like her more than she likes him, I really can't answer these questions for you I can only surmise only she can answer those questions for you. I would suggest you talk to her calmly but matter of factly and see what she says when she hears and sees the proof.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I know but why would she meet him at his hotel and i do not know if i told you this but when they were discussing what to do he said he was all hers and did not have a schedule because he came just to see her. She asked if he got a rental car and he did not. She said she would see him at his hotel room and i would imagine she meet him at his room but i donot have any proof but she asked for his hotel room number twice.

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

If you feel that all of the signs are there that she is or may be cheating then tell her this and ask her if it is remotely true and there is a such thing as emotional cheating but some people believe that if you do not do the act then it is not cheating. From everything you have told me and the proof that you do have it could be possible but I can not answer yes or no because she will have to do that for you.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I just look at my bank statement this morning saw charges to where she meet him that thursday and on friday they went to the museum. She asked me to tell her what was was bothering me last night and i told her nothing at first and then she asked if i was going to tell her and i said i was not. Do you think this was a perfect opportunty to tell her? My hearth is aching and i feel terrible, not sure if i can wait to discuss this with her. My son came home yesterday for the Christmas holiday and my daughter comes home on Thursday, i leave early Thursday moring and will not return until Sunday, my son is going with me on this trip. How should i handle this?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

It is going to be hard to talk to her with your son around but given the new proof it has to be done before you leave so that she knows that you know what she is doing while you are gone on your trips. With the new proof it's pretty much a done deal what she is doing now there are too many signs that point to her cheating with this guy or getting ready to cheat there are too many coincidents for it to be innocent meetings and she is hiding too much from you for it to be innocent. You have to handle this before you leave or she will think that she continues to get away with what she has been doing. If you show her the proof that you have she has no other choice but to tell you the truth but if you do find out she is cheating you marriage doesn't have to be over but it's going to take alot of work at getting the trust back.

 

If and that is a big IF she has been unfaithful and cheated on you, then you will probably going through a wide range of emotions. You are going to be angry, confused, sad, and feel like your marriage is over but it doesn't have to be. Take some time to work through your feelings and then decide what you want from your relationship, if she does tell you she cheated on you with this man she will need to take responsibility for her actions and realize that her actions are totally wrong. Do not allow her to make excuses or place the blame on you because she is the one who made the decision to be unfaithful. You may even need to consider Marriage counseling or telling your clergyman about her affair if that is what is happening and even if she isn't cheating there is something that keeps her connected to this man and it's time to find out what that is if you want your marriage to last!

 

If you decide to stay together, you both will need to realize that it will take hard work and patience before things are better, both of you will need to be honest and understanding with each other. If you have been cheated on, let her know your feelings and what you expect from your relationship now. Even though it will be difficult to hear, listen to her reasons for what led up to her infidelity. Now realize, this was her mistake not yours, but you need to understand what their thinking was at the time. As hard as it may be, if you want your relationship to succeed, you will need to put your trust in her in order to move forward but realize it won't happen over night it will take some time. If you find my answers helpful please click the accept button so that I can get credit for my answers.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you have been very helpful. I just want to tell you that I did confront yesterday and we talked for hours and i honestly believe she did not have a sexual affair but like you said an emotional affair. I have no choice and feel very confident that she is telling me the truth. She told me exactly what they did together and she now realizes how wrong this is. I hope and pray everything she is telling is the truth. She does love me and I Love her, I know we will work this out and I know that i can forgive her and trust her again. I will accept all your help just want to hear you comments on above. I truely appreciate and advice you have given. You are the only person I have spoken to about this and i want keep it that way because is truly a very good person that has made a very big mistake. I hope I am not to niave, do not think that I am. I will await your last comments.

Thanks for your help,

Kenneth

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Just the fact you could work things through without one or the other storming out is a testament of the love that you have for each other and the fact that she was able to tell you the truth and go into details about what they did shows that she does have a respect for you and your marriage. What advice I must give to you is marriage is built on Communication and trust so if you trust her and love her get rid of the tapping device on your phone and do not snoop into her private things try to base your relationship on trust and not feel that you have to use those type of intrusive things anymore. Also sometime after the holidays after the children are back to college pick some alone time for the two of you go away together and reconnect to each other and remember this is going to take time and effort on both parts mainly your wife's part though. An emotional affair is easier to get over than an emotional and physical affair could have been so just concentrate on working on your relationship together. Good luck to you both!

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you again for all your advice.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

Rmodelor1,

 

You're quite welcome and if you need my help again don't hesitate to come back.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency