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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18780
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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why do some men do not want give up their money in realtioships

Customer Question

why do some men do not want give up their money in realtioships? tHIS QUESTION IS FOR MR. RUDIGER. I BEEN LIVING WITH GUY FOR 17 YEARS, CLEANING BUILDINGS. HE DOES NOT PAY ME ENOUGH MONEY FOR THE WORK. WE ARE NOT MARRY. SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYINGS THAT HE IS TAKING ADVANTAGE THE SITUATION.

HE SHOULD AT LEAST PAY ME 400 DOLLARS A MONTH. I SPOKE TO HIM ABOUT THE PROBLEM, HE GOT MAD ONE DAY, WAS GOING TO SHUT THE BUSINESS DOWN.

HE IS "INSECURE ABOUT HIS LOOKS"

HE THINKS THE ONLY PERSON THAT IS GOING TO LOVE HIM IS HIS MOTHER WHAT CAUSES HIS ODD BEHAVIOR?

WHEN I FIRST START TO KNOW HIM HE DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP, HE WANTED ME TO GO THE DATING SERVICE.

I AM 37, HE IS 47 YEARS OLD.

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: I still need help.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello missbianca,

I'd like to ask you some questions first, and then try to help you.

Do you work for this man and does he pay you a salary to clean buildings, or do you mean he should pay you at least $400 a month to do work around the home you share together?

Does he own the building cleaning business? Is this the business he threatened to shut down, or is there another business he threatened to shut down?

Do you have a relationship with this man, now? Meaning, in addition to living together, do you make meals, clean house, and sleep in the same bed?

Do you live in the U.S. or another country? Where are you from, originally?

Thanks for all the additional details you can supply.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i should be getting what is a reasonable amount of money. we are not marry, we do not have sex like we used to. I AM FROM EL SALVADOR, HE IS FROM CHILE. WE LIVE TOGETHER FOR 17 YEARS. HE OWNS THE BUSINESS
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

HE THREATEN TO SHUT THE CLEANING BUSINESS

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and thank you for your replies with additional information.

If you are working for him/his business and are not getting any money from him for payment for the work you are doing, this is completely wrong. He will not shut the cleaning business if this is his only way to make money. He's only using that as an excuse to make you think if you quit, he will shut the business.   

It is illegal for him to not pay you, if you are working for him and providing a service. Since you've been together for so many years, you are probably technically 'married' by 'common law', depending upon the rules in the state where you live, and he should be giving you money for the work you do and the money from the business should be shared by both of you if you are helping him in his business. You need to go to a lawyer, in your town, and ask about your rights re: the money coming in from the business and him not paying you to work for the business. It would be one thing if he shared the profits from the money the business makes, and you chose to work for the business but not get paid a salary, because you were getting an amount from the total profits; however, this does not seem to be the case, and he is completely wrong.

I think he believes that if he give you your 'own' money, you will no longer be dependent on him for things, and may leave him. Many men are insecure about this, and as you mentioned, he doesn't consider himself good-looking and thinks the only woman who loves him is his mother, so he has some self-esteem issues and doesn't think much of himself. With YOU, whom he feels comfortable with, and who is working for him, he can be the 'big man', because he controls the money, but in reality he is afraid you will leave him, and you need to discuss this with him, calmly. Tell him that you could get another job that would pay much MORE than $400/month, doing the work you're doing, and he needs to pay you for your work. Or, you can ask him to split the profits from the business with you, since you helped him build up the business, since you've been together. He is definitely taking advantage of the situation, and of you, and you need to present this to him in a calm, rational manner.

It would be a good idea for both of you to go to 'couples counseling' to help make your relationship work better, and for him to realize that he's taking out his insecurities about himself, on you, which is so unfair, because YOU are the one that has remained with him for all these years, helping him and nurturing him.

I hope you're able to find a way to make him realize this, with the help of a good therapist, in your local area.

Good luck!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

YOU THINK IS A MATTER OF CONTROLOING ME TO STAY? WELL THE DOOR IS OPEN WHERE I CAN LEAVE ANYTIME

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

HOW COME HIS MOM DOES NOT KNOW HER SON WELL ENOUGH. SHE THINKS THAT HE PAY ME ENOUGH MONEY. I DO NOT WANT TO TELL, SINCE I WOULD BE SHOCK TO FIND OUT HER REACTION.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Yes, I do think the money is a way of being controlling; does HE know you can or will leave at any time?

If his mom thinks he pays you enough money, how much does he pay you? I thought he wasn't paying you anything. Yes, I would not involve his mom in this. But, if he respects his mom, you can 'threaten' to tell her.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
YES HE KNOWS I CAN LEAVE ANYTIME I WANT.LAST YEAR HE WAS ONLY PAYING ABOUT $100 A MONTH TO CLEAN 4 BUILDINGS. "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE MOM "NOT KNOWING HER SON WELL ENOUGH. WHY DO YOU THINK SHE IS IGNORANT?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

WHY DO YOU THINK HIS MOM IS "NAIVE"?

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again,

I don't think his mom is ignorant or naive; I think she believes her son can do no wrong. Many parents are like this, and can't 'see' it, when their child is not doing something in the proper way. If he's paying you about $100 to clean 4 buildings, you need to have a serious discussion with him about the pay, and tell him you deserve more, and no one else would work for him for this amount. He's taking advantage of you and that's not right.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HER REACTION WOULD BE TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS? TO TELL HER THE TRUTH.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HER REACTION WOULD BE TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS? TO TELL HER THE TRUTH.

 

WHO WOULD SHE BELIEVE?

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Well, the only way you can find out, is to bring up the subject, but be prepared to defend her son. However, if she has a good relationship with you and thinks you're an honest person, she should believe you. If you feel he respects his mother a lot and will listen to whatever she tells him to do, and you think she might tell him to pay you more, I'd say, 'go for it'. Don't tell him you're going to discuss it with his mother, just do it. When you speak to her, don't say anything unkind about her son, just concentrate on the fact that you are not, and have not been, being paid a fair amount for the work you do and you feel it's time you got paid more.

Try that and let me know how it goes.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

SOME OF HIS FRIENDS THINK HE IS A GOOD GUY. WHY DO YOU THINK THEY DO NOT KNOW HIS DARK SIDE? HE IS HUMANITARIUM, BUT NOT PERFECT.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
why are his friends blind? maybe they want to find out the hard way
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

Maybe his friends see something in him that you don't see, but most likely, you ARE seeing the real him, and you are very wise to realize how he truly is, and remember, nobody is perfect!

Would you mind clicking 'accept', if you feel my answers have been helpful? Thanks very much!

I wish you much good luck!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
WHY DO YOU THINK HIS FRIENDS ARE BLIND TO HIS REAL CHARACTER?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

WHY DO YOU THINK HIS FRIENDS ARE BLIND TO HIS REAL CHARACTER? HE CANNOT FOOL EVERYBODY, OR THE WHOLE WORLD.

 

I WISH I HAD MORE WISDOM ABOUT THIS SITUATION. MAYBE SOMEONE WILL GIVE ME COURAGE TO JUST GET UP AND LEAVE WITHOUT NOTICE TO HIM.

I WAS NEVER IN LOVE WITH HIM THAT MUCH.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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