How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask KimberlyF Your Own Question

KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
KimberlyF is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I live with my boyfriend and we have been dating for about

Resolved Question:

I live with my boyfriend and we have been dating for about 3 years. In the past I have caught him flirting with other girls over the internet and it caused problems, and him being pissed that I invaded his privacy. We both said sorry and both never to do it again, because then theres no trust. I havnt looked at his stuff in over two years. Well, tonight i couldnt sleep and for some reason, i dont know, i looked at his text messages and saw him telling one of his old exes that he didnt have a gf and that he was flying home for xmas (where she is). Im not going with him. What should I do? Should i just come out and tell him i read it, ask around the problem and see if he admits theres a problem, ignore it? I know he's going to get pissed i read his texts ... i dont know what to do
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-Has he cheated on you physically?

 

-Why aren't you going with him for Christmas?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I'm 23 and hes 25

He has never cheated on my physicaly

Money is tight and I cant afford the ticket. His mom offered to pay for me but i felt bad. Now im thinking about accepting and going just because of this.

 

I just dont know how to handle this. I did invade his privacy by reading his text messages but he told an ex that hes single and coming home. Should i confront him? and if i should, then how? Or just ignore it?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Let me read your answers to your questions and I will be right back with you with my answer. Thank you ahead for your patience.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
alright, thanks. if you need any more information, please ask
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

Customer

 

Trust is the main factor that keeps a relationship healthy and stable and holds couples together. Trust provides a sense of safety and security in a relationship, when that trust breaks down, people feel insecure, and the trust that held the relationship together is now non existent and the relationship together begins to weaken. You are going to have to learn how to re-build that trust or else the relationship will not last. First you might want to take his mother up on that offer to pay for you, this way any plans he may have made with this girl he will not be able to keep remember you are trying to save your relationship. Do not tell him that you read his text right now have a nice Christmas with him and his family that way you might be able to get the reason he has to lie to you and go behind your back to talk to girls, maybe his father was the same way with his mother and he learned this from his father or maybe he didn't have a good relationship with his father or his father had promised him things and never followed through with them it could be little things like that, that has had an affect on him and the way he sees relationships.

 

After the trip you may want to talk to him about both of your trust issues and why you both feel the need to behave the way you do, you feeling the need to invade his privacy even though you saw that he was trying to hook up with a girl you didn't actually ask her to hook up with him, him liking attention from other girls even though he does not hook up with them physically there is an issue there if it bothers you that he does it you have to voice this to him. You're going to have to be honest about looking at his text messages that is why I said wait until after the holidays this way if you had fun and he saw that you got along with his family he might not be as mad. The fact is he has made you insecure the way he disregarded your feelings by talking and flirting with other females but that is all he did and until you get concrete proof that he has cheated then you are going to have to fight the urges you get to look at his private stuff he may just like the attention and want to feel as though he is attractive to other women still. When you get the urge to look at his things again think about how that will affect your relationship.

 

If he is going to cheat he will just go out and do it looking at his things is not going to keep him from cheating and it only makes your trust in him less and less and you want to rebuild trust not find things to break it down. Although want he is saying in the texts bother you it is his property and privacy and the old saying comes to mind "What you don't know won't hurt you!" It's when he changes his behavior and withdraws from you is when you should start worrying but if the relationship is good other than the text and online messages you have found more than likely he is jut trying to get attention and it's really nothing harmless. When you get the urge to look again keep telling yourself that he is here with you and isn't going anywhere but talk to him after the holidays and the text or on the way home from his parent's house talk to him. Tell him your insecurities and how you want to work on them and if worse comes to worse talk about couples counseling to help rebuild that trust and it could also help him to find out why he feels the need to get these other females attention.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency