How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask KimberlyF Your Own Question

KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
KimberlyF is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am married to a man going on 10 years whom I love dearly

Resolved Question:

I am married to a man going on 10 years whom I love dearly but am really questioning as a marital partner. When we married I had two little boys (3 and 5 years old), and he seemed fine with them. Over the years, it has become evident that he is short tempered and critical of them most of the time. During periods of stress, I would say he borders on verbal abuse. Since my ex-husband is so good with the boys and they are getting older now 12 and 15, I have sent them to live with him. My marriage is less conflicted but I miss my boys them all the time and have deeply mixed feelings. My husband says he just does not want to do the "parenting" thing but he does not want to lose me and will do what he must if I insist. We went to counseling and I realized how much I love him and that he has genuinely never been very good with children or patient. (Neither were his parents.) Am I making a mistake? My boys seem content with their single Dad but miss me even though I see them monthly.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Even though you are feeling guilty about giving the boys to their father they seem happy and content with him and you did what you thought was best for your boys, make sure you don't make them feel guilty about your current husband not liking them that will make them resent you and feel like you chose your husband over them. Tell them that boys should be with their father so that they can learn to be men this way you can still have a special relationship with them even though they do not live with you. Anyone that doesn't have children and has never had them will not have patience for them because they don't know what they are getting into and even when they do have children around they still do not know the true meaning of being a parent and taking the good with the bad plus the fact that your current husband saw his parents act the same way with children, he doesn't know anything else. It's good that you both went to counseling to get your marriage back on track but I think your current husband needed parenting class much more and it would still be helpful to help him deal with your boys when they are with you.

 

The boys are going to miss you but just like with any other marriage that breaks up or divorces they have to live separate from their parents and only see them every once in while this situation is no different maybe you could try calling them every day and let them know you were thinking about them and wanted them to know how much you love them as long as they know and feel that they are loved they will be fine, they are now at the age where they need a father figure and a man to show them the way. Don't be so hard on yourself you did what you felt you had to do for everyone involved.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I didn't think I had enough room to mention that when we married he had three kids from a previous marriage and for a few years we had all 5 children. His kids are all older and have since left home. He favored his kids but says he was strict and impatient with them when they were young (like mine were).

Now that his are gone (and I helped raise them) he says he is tired of the parenting thing and just wants me and he wants everything to be as stress free as possible. I really would like to finish raising at least one of my boys. My husband is not very good with either of them but much harder on my firstborn who has a learning disability.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

If you haven't talked to your husband about your wishes then you need to communicate this to him and if he truly loves you he will accept your children too, you may have to give him an ultimatum either he accept one of your boys coming back or you are going to have to leave and take care of your child who needs you more than he could since he is an adult. Maybe suggest parenting classes for him before you choose which son you want but that is a touchy subject because then your other son will wonder why you took one and not both and you don't want hurt feelings and to split the boys up may be traumatizing to have to live separate from each other if they are use to living together. You will have to think long and hard about this decision because it could hurt alot of people in the process so make sure that the boys are okay with living separate and if they are not then it may be best to keep them together. Also if your current husband isn't willing to accept you children then he doesn't accept you because you are a package deal. Tell him you will no longer accept his treatment of your children and he has to show them the same respect he tries to show you and if he cannot do that then you may have to rethink your position in the marriage and your future with this man.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency