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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I have been in a relationship to my partner for 10 years. We

Customer Question

I have been in a relationship to my partner for 10 years. We have 2 children. Now she has left me for a married man also with children. He has not left his wife (or told her) yet due to 'problems in his family'. I love her and want her back. Is it possible? And how?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Were there problems in your relationship?

Why did she leave?

How do you know that he hasn't told his wife?

Why didn't you ever get married?

Have you talked to her about getting back together? What is she saying?

Where is she staying now?

What are your ages?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

My partner has left my 2 months ago.

 

Yes ther were problems in our relationship. I think the main problem in our relationship was that our feelings for each other (that is my love for her) was not expressed for her to see. I did not tell her that I loved (love her), and regretably I did not show it clearly. She has complained of that after we have splitted.

 

Also I think she missed events and travelling together but that was hard to find time to do that because we both have demanding jobs and small children and were both stressed an worn down because of our jobs.

 

We always have had problems talking of our feelings for each other. My feelings for her are very strong and I was afraid of being carried away by my feelings and I therefor controlled them effectively. What I should not have done!

 

I think she mainly missed expression of love and tenderness and left me when another man offered that to her.

 

I don't know for sure that he has not told his wife yet, but my expartner told me that he was not ready to fully engage with her because his family has 'special problems'. Sounds fishy to me.

 

I was insecure if she loved me, and did not dare to ask her! After we have splitted she has complained that we never married, so maybe she once wished to be married to me.

 

Yes, I have told her, that I want her back, not to our former relationship but to a better one. I have also told of my love and devotion for her, and that I am presently seeing a psycyatrist to learn to be a better husband for her and that I will wait for her until she is ready. Yes she knows that I would like to marry her and have a future with her.

 

Regretably her answer was that she could not see a future for us because she felt herself unloved by me and that she had pursued the chance with the other man since mid-summer this year.

 

She has found her own apartment so our children lives by me half the time and by her the other half of the time.

 

I am 51 and my expartner is 45. Our children ar 9 and 5 years of age.

 

I also have told her that I understand her actions (what I do) and that I have forgiven her infidelity (what I also have done).

 

I know that a future with my expartner looks gloomy but if I can do anything to reestablish my family under changed and better conditions I will. Whenever we meet I assure her of my love for her and that I am working to heal the wounds. I am controlled not angry but firm and caring for her.

 

 

 

Best regards Carsten

(strange name, I am a dane!).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Carsten,

It is not a strange but interesting name (smile). As you may have already realized, it's very difficult to undo the thing once it has been done. Remember there was a point where she did love you and she did want to be with you. This period lasted for a long time as is evident by the length of time you were together and your children. Her disregard for the relationship did not develop overnight, and even you have admitted that had you behaved differently, then we might not be at this point. Unfortunately there is no magic solution to make her want to be with you. In fact, the more you attempt to be with her, the more she will likely pull away as she likely feels that she knows you enough to know that you won't change.

The best thing to do at this point is to make a series of totally unexpected changes in your life. Show her and yourself that you are capable of being different than you have been these last years, that you are capable of doing more with yourself and your life. The best thing is that no matter if you see her or not, your children will always talk to her about you, so you can be sure that she will always know what's going on in your life (but do not ask the kids to carry messages or tell her anything or she will see it as deception).

You may be thinking, what kind of changes, but I can't answer that. Think about things you have not been interested in that maybe she was interested in (although you want to be careful not to do something she loves and know she is unable to do it, as that will only make her angry). Perhaps you never really cooked, so you can take a cooking class. Perhaps you have dreams that you always wanted to do, but never did. Improve yourself in some way, redecorate your house, plant a garden, build something, take a class, give a class. this will keep you busy and at the same time show her that you have a life and are doing things.

When you talk to her, you are going to want to pull her towards you, but in fact, try to give her space. Yes, she may still leave, but the fact is, if she's going to leave, there's nothing you can do about it, so open your hands and let her go. When you are on the phone with her, try to be the first to get off the phone. If she calls, don't pick up, wait a few min to a half hr to call her back (unless you know it relates to the kids). Try to sound busy, happy, upbeat and always speak well of her to the kids. What you want is to show her a life that she will desire or miss without asking her or making her be a part of it. She must come of her own free will for it to be real. I know it's hard, but you didn't get into this position overnight, it could take you just as long to get her back, if she ever does decide to come back. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hello Chase

 

Thank you for your kind af expedit answer. I will take your advice an make a life on my own that I hope my very beloved expartner will want to be a part of. I also will try to be a better dad to my children.

 

I very much hope that i will bring her back to me and that I can have my family back.

 

 

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Rane,

I believe you, and I believe in you. Although I don't know you, I feel that you are sincere in your desire to want to be different than you have been and that is important. Remember that you said there were some things that you did not know, and part of her responsibility was to make sure you knew these things. It is not totally your fault that things failed, but you do have to take responsibility for the part that is, and I see you doing that. Believe me, your children will be better for that and will take their life cues from you. I wish that things work out for you in the best way possible. If you ever need to talk, feel free to ask for me by name.

Warmly

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hello Chase

 

I will take your kind advice. I hope I have accepted your answer correctly so that you are being paid. If not please let me know now.

 

Best regards Carsten

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
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