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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I always think my boyfriend wants to hurt me. I am worried

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I always think my boyfriend wants to hurt me. I am worried because he is very nice to me and sometimes I flip when he seems interested in other people or things more than me. It is completely logical he spends time doing his own things. I just panic because I think he wants to hurt me and doesn't really love me. That I don't deserve it and he is going to one day leave me and realise he doesn't really like me that much. I am worried my past is causing this and of course I know logically I shouldn't feel this way but I can't stop!!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long have you been dating?

 

-How have your past relationship been? Explain in detail because this may have something to do with your in [resent relationship securities?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
What are your ages?
I'm 31 he's 34

 

-How long have you been dating?

2 years but we have broken up. He is confused about why I am hurt all the time. He gets on my nerves because he doesn't understand the hurt bit and can't talk about feelings.

 

-How have your past relationship been? Explain in detail because this may have something to do with your in [resent relationship securities?

I have not had much luck in the last 3 years. I moved to Spain 3 years ago. Before that I had a very nice boyfriend who adored me but I found it boring and wanted adventure. IN Spain I have had two boyfriends before this one. THey were both Spanish and pretty jealous accusing me of crazy things like touching the nape of their best friend's neck in a nightclub, dancing to attract men's attention, one went through my mobile phone. I finshed with them. Then I started going out with this boyfriend. He is French I am English, we work at the same secondary school as teachers (me biology him French(


-Could you explain your situation a little more?
I have a feeling that I feel like this because I have always expected men to hurt me. My father was violent, I used to be nice to him and found strategies not to get hit but my brother and mother were stubborn. The situation at home was like a survival game. At 7 I ad anorexia...I could control my eating obvioulsy because I couldn't control my home life. But I got caught disposing of my lunch every day and I got thin. My mum left my father with us when I was 10 and my brother 15. Between the ages of 3 and 7 the boyfriend of my grandmother would touch me when we went to visit them (about twice or 3 times a year). It would only happen when we were alone and I liked it, he was gentle and it would be when I would sit on his lap when we watched TV. It didn;t make sense that he stopped when people came in or he didn't do it when there were other people there until I got to about 7 years old. Then I felt guilty for enjoying it. I have had counselling about 7 years ago where I talked over a lot of these things. In my teens I used to get drunk a lot and have sex with guys because I thought they wanted a relationship with me and to love me. Then I got disillusioned. Then I had some nice boyfriends. Around 7 years ago I went to do PhD in Norwich which is near where my father's from. I started thinking about it all again and got in contact with a cousin I hadn't seen for 15 years. I hadn't seen my father in more thatn 15 years because I hadn't wanted to but now I wanted answers. To cut a long stroy short I ended up meeting my father and just slagged off my mum and brother. Didn't mention hitting them etc. It drove me mad. ANother time I saw him I decided to confront him about it and he went nuts. We were in a pub in busy London and he shouted (he was an alcoholic too) and told me that he couldn't believe I had come to talk to him about it blah blha. I just asked him why he never said sorry after he had hit us or shouted at us. He just continued shouting and ranting, as unreasonable as I remember.
So basically I think the problem is that I have been mistreated by men that have 'supposed' to be ones that should care and love me unconditionally so now I find it hard to trust and actually believe I am worth being loved and cared for. Yes, these men (my father and my grandma's boyfriend) were ill, sick in the head, had psycholigical problems and I shouldn't take it personally but still maybe I'm not worth.
I believe myself intelligent but my heart is ruling over my head!! I want to be less complicated!!!
Thanks for your help
Helen
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I reread what I wrote and realise it looks like we broke up. We are together at the moment but I have finished with him twice.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

Helen,

 

Throughout your life you have dealt with let downs and esteem issues. First you had to deal with your father being abusive to your brother and your mother and you then you had self image issues, then the sexual abuse by your grandmother's boyfriend and though you say you liked it you were only a child and never felt that feeling before but what he did was very wrong that is why he would stop when people came in the room and because it didn't hurt you thought he wasn't hurting you but emotionally he was damaging you. You should not feel guilty for enjoying it you were a child and didn't know any better and didn't know at the time that it was wrong. I think you may have stopped the counseling too soon and you should have continued until you could learn that it wasn't your fault and also could have gotten help for the abuse you witnessed and endured.

 

Your relationship issues now stem from all of this every man you have trusted when you were a child hurt you and let you down and treated you badly and you expect every man now to hurt you the same ways or in any way this is a learned behavior and with all learned behaviors it can be changed with help and counseling and building self worth. You have tried to get over these memories on your own and it's not working they keep coming back and makes you feel bad every time they resurface and with counseling they can teach you how to channel the positive instead of always the negative. When you go into a relationship instead of looking at the positive you also look for it to fail because that is all you have seen failure in relationships with your father, your grandmother's boyfriend and some other boyfriend who have used you for their on sexual needs when what you were looking for was love they were looking for Miss right now.

 

You have to remember you didn't become complicated over night this took years to build up all of your insecurities and with only a little but of counseling you expected to be cured until the same issues reared their ugly head just when you thought you could have a healthy relationship it become unhealthy because of your feelings from the past. Although you know those things that happened were not your fault you are still blaming yourself, as if, if you were a better daughter or if you didn't enjoy your gram's boyfriend touching which brings us back to it not being your fault and I think you say that but you don't really think it wasn't your fault and a counselor can help you to realize that you weren't the one that had an ill mind they were the ones with the sick minds and I don't think you can have a healthy and stable relationship until you can work past the past and look to the future.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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