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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Hi - my husband was working 2 hours away for nearly a year.

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Hi - my husband was working 2 hours away for nearly a year. This summer I quit my job so we (5 year old son and myself) could move to the area he worked in. After I quit my job and got a new one in his area, he told me he was thinking of leaving me, and eventually did, albeit briefly. There was a question about his relationship with a co worker. Last night, he left his email up and was out of the house and I read it. Lots of "you're my kind of girl" and "you're my kind of guy"; love you's, my husband wrote that he loved seeing her in "all her splendor"...he says she was just a crazy person. What am I supposed to do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long have you been married?

 

-So the two of you are back together?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi - I'm 41 & he's 42 - my second marraige, his first, together since 2000, we did move in together at the end of the summer though he has been very distant. He has always been secretive and has blatantly lied to me more times than I could count, i.e. "when you went back to Seattle (his home town) did you talk to Margaret (old girlfriend)." He says no, yet were at a friends house and he starts talking about a recent conversation he had with Margaret. This summer he kept talking about his coworker, Kimberly, and I said that I'd never heard her name before and now was hearing 4 times in two minutes - what's up with that? He told me I was a freak, as he did everytime I asked when she called. I heard them on the phone once and he was talking, saying "we're not like that, we're different kinds of people". I have always been jealous and he has always had boundary issues with other women - just friends but when he travels they'll share a bed. I think I am just gullible and slow to pick up what is vey obvious...?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

It's hard when husbands and wives don't stick to their vows, some men make a decision to cheat on their wives. Even when it's a brief affair, while in cases it lasts for many years. The first thing you may have do is ensure that you're correct and that you are not just imagining that he's committing adultery.You need to keep an eye on your husband, his whereabouts, phone calls he receives, and possibly email activity because if this woman is indeed a crazy woman he wouldn't keep contacting her, watch for any change in his work schedule. If your husband never worked any overtime and suddenly says he has to stay late, see if there's a pattern to it. If it occurs only on certain days of the week, this may be when he's meeting her. If you have access to his pay information, make certain there is overtime on them.

 

Sometimes when a man is married he often isn't as concerned with how he dresses or keeping in shape. When he meets a woman who is interested in him, he may try to change for her. If your husband suddenly goes on a diet, buys new clothes or has his hair different, chances are that he may not be making changes for you or for himself, but for the women he is interested in. Just be mindful of any changes your husband makes to improve his appearance. One thing you could do is confront him, if you accuse him, he may accuse you of being paranoid. He can be so convincing that you will feel guilt for thinking he was being unfaithful. If you feel guilty about wondering where your marriage is headed, DON'T! He will think that if you feel guilty you will never question him again because he made her feel so bad. If he isn't doing anything wrong, there's no reason for him to become overly defensive.

 

For your families sake seeking marriage counseling may be your best options and a last resort if you find out that he has been cheating while he was away from you or even now for your son's sake and if you have to leave you will leave knowing you have tried everything and can also find closure if leaving is your decision as to what to do. It's very disrespectful for your husband to cross any boundaries as far as women friends are concerned and until he learns self respect, respect of his mate and self control he will always have this issue.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
He doesn't do any of those typical things -grooming better, out at night... - he is at home during the day now, unemployed, so not sure how he spends his days at all - he certainly doesn't tell me and gets angry when I ask him. He isn't contributing financially to our house, and he makes me feel like I'm a nut job when I ask about her phone calls - two or three times an evening, though he changed his phone from KJ - her initials, to just displaying the phone number so I'm unclear as to whether she's called lately. He generally has a password XXXXX his email/computer in general. It feels like a betrayal - lots of Love Yous, xxoo, makes me feel ill.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

 

Some women's gut feelings are usually right and if he has become more secretive then that is all the more reason for you to be worried and scared for your marriage, tell him that you are not just imagining things and that you seem to be more concerned for the marriage than he does. If a man has to hide things from his wife and gets defensive then it's more than likely he is hiding something from their wife and doesn't want them to find out, until your husband decides to come clean and be honest all you will be doing is assuming and that is why he uses the paranoid defense. He is trying to make you think you are imagining this and that he isn't nor hasn't been doing anything wrong but that doesn't ease your fears. Until you have concrete proof that he is cheating then all you can do is try to trust him or try the marriage counseling.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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