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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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I am 51 and my fiance is 59, we met and fell madly in love

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I am 51 and my fiance is 59, we met and fell madly in love 3 years ago. He has never been assertive sexually, we go months without sex. I wait for at least 4 to 6 weeks before I ask he will say yes, but still find excuses not to, he is a macho biker type who is a sports fanatic, a year ago I found photos on his computer of him having sex with a man, this happened before I met him, he swears he is not gay and that he was only trying to as he put it "get laid" since he was experiencing ED and couldn't satisfy a woman. I marched him off to the doctor and had us both tested for HIV I've sinse test negative twice but he tested positive. I want out of the relationship but he wants to hold on to me, even though I would've used condoms he still won't have sex he says its not me and he is faithful, I want out and he won't hear of me leaving, I feel rejected I know we love each other he says its physical and mental but won't explain any further, he ran out when I suggested we end it.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What exactly is your question for me?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

What more do you need, feel free to ask me



-Do you definitely want out of the relationship or do you want to stay and work it out?


-When you say he ran out do you mean he left you or just left for that time being?



Customer: replied 7 years ago.

What more do you need, feel free to ask me

Is anyone there?

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
He left for the time being, and yes if he is not willing to seriously discuss with me why he isn't having sex then I feel we should end it. But when I bring up the subject of ending he gets very upset at the thought of losing me.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Do you think he is wrestling with homosexuality?


Please give me some time type my answser and thank you for answering those last two questions.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I have to leave for work, can you send your answer to my email for me to read later?


If you feel that you love him enough to work through this then there is going to have to be alot of communication and I would also suggest counseling, first counseling for your fiance' and then maybe couples counseling. Your fiance has to figure out why he chose to sleep with a man and is he struggling with his sexuality, was he just confused or was he honest with you when he said he just wanted to get laid. There is an underlying reason why he doesn't like to have sex with someone he loves. He may not want to lose you because then he will have to come to grips with who he possibly is, it sounds as if he might be afraid that if you leave him he will finally realize his sexuality this is why the counseling is so important for him to figure that out. You have tried almost everything now maybe try counseling as a last resort before making your final decision. There could be many reason why he slept with a man. 1. He could be in the closet as far as his sexuality is concerned. 2. He may have been molested by a male as a child or teen. 3. He has always been attracted to men just afraid to admit it. 4. He may have just wanted to try it or like he said get laid.


It's now time for you decide what it is that you want you seem to consume your time with what he wants and it's not making you happy. The fact that he has tested positive for HIV means that the two of you in order to have intimacy in the relationship will ALWAYS have to use condoms so that you do not become HIV positive and even a condom isn't 100% is that a chance you are willing to take? His one indiscretion cost him a life time of being careful so that any mate he has from now on doesn't become HIV positive. His reasoning for sleeping with a man was for selfish reasons and now he has to live with the consequences the rest of his life. Do you want to live with those consequences also and have the same life sentence? These are things you have to ask yourself now?


Try the counseling and if that doesn't work then you can think about making a clean break from the relationship and know that you tried everything in your power to make the relationship work and also counseling can help you to find closure if that is what you decide to do leave and never look back. It's always hard to leave someone you loves so much but it can also be the most selfless thing you could do if the two of you are not making each other happy anymore or fulfilling each others needs.

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