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Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience:  USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
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95% of the time, I cannot say what I want to say. This is mainly

Resolved Question:

95% of the time, I cannot say what I want to say. This is mainly because of my shyness and always putting people always ahead of me. How can I get over that?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Age: 19; Male, Qatar


Already Tried:
Nothing much
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 6 years ago.

Dear yz,

 

I see you are in Qatar, can you tell me your nationality?

 

Are you associated with an international school?

 

do you work for a U.S. employer?

 

etc

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am currently a student in Brunel University in London. I am of Qatari Nationality and I have been in an english speaking international school in Qatar and for more information, it is mixed so nearly everyone is open-minded.
Anymore information needed?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
If need to know about my personality. I am a kind person who always puts people ahead of him. Trying to make everyone feel good about himself.
People like me and think I am funny. Too funny to the point where I cannot say any serious things.
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 6 years ago.

Dear yaz,

 

Thank you for the additional information. While working on personality can help you to become more confident and there for able to speak better, there are some very practical things you can do.

 

I am going to recommend that you consider joining toastmasters international.

 

http://www.toastmasters.org/websiteApps/searchresults.asp?Country=United%20Kingdom&State=England

 

Toast master has several tracts including speaking, leadership, etc. All are designed to improve speaking skills, think quickly on your feet, form clear concise thoughts and verbalize them, and to build confidence and self esteem.

 

In addition, if your school has a debating team, you can join that. It is really useful to achieve comparable goals as the toast masters.

 

 

Qatar also has toastmasters clubs:

 

http://www.toastmasters.org/websiteApps/searchresults.asp?Country=Qatar&City=&imageField.x=24&imageField.y=5

 

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Can't you give me any other advice other than going to this place?
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 6 years ago.

Dear yaz,

 

Thank you for getting back to me.

 

Of course there are other means of achieving what you want to do.

 

You stated you had a hard time being able to say what you want to say 95% of the time, and you attribute this to your personality, in that you are shy and put other people ahead of you.

 

A certain amount of listening and letting others go first is useful, but it can reach a point where you are saying yes sir to others and being self-deprecating. Because you are asking this question, it shows you have reached a point where you have become dysfunctional to a point. That is what it seems anyway, but only you really know.

 

People spend many years sometimes trying to learn new ways of being and making changes to personality. You can do it alone or with help from others. The paths to self-awareness and personal growth are many.

 

So yes, I could have also suggested psycho therapy, or intensive group processes such as offered by the "Wright Institute of personal growth and development" where you go to week long retreats using meditation, and structured exercises designed to gain insight, enlightenment, re birthing,and build on self esteem and assertiveness.

 

You can do it by accessing your own internal switch, that we all have, that is to turn off the old behavior and focus on what your new behaviors should be. So through self help books, meditation consistent with your religion and philosophy, and prayer, you can cause change to happen. But in all cases, we all need a guide to get us there. Whether that guide is found in a book, with a therapist, a friend, inner-self through mediation or reflection, and so forth, we need to put thought and motivation into action.

 

While in Special Forces, because of that unique special operations military environment, I needed to become what I was not. I looked in the mirror, and saw I was not that type of person. What was I doing there? I had to achieve such a high level of intention, to stalk, to survive, to do what special ops does, that I wanted to run away. We had the training, the guidance, the process through the courses, instruction, and camaraderie. It was through Zen meditation, where I was able to visualize a new way of being.

 

To make the changes you want in your life, you have to visualize it, but you also have to have structure and guidance. I suggested toastmasters and debate team as inexpensive paths to achieve what you want to achieve. The fact that you resist those suggestions, is evidence to me, of the underlying problem.

 

These programs, offer you guidance, structure, training, peer support, encouragement, and a guided path to success, the outcome of which is greater self-esteem, assertiveness, and greater communication skills; you will become less shy.

 

So if these programs will not work for you. My question to you is, what will?

 

How do you want to change?

 

What will work for you?

 

How do you want to do it?

 

 

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Dear Ed,
I want to change within myself personally, with maybe a help from you. I do not yet want to share my deep thoughts with others just yet. I am socially popular but not SERIOUS. I have so many ideas that makes me think that I can excel but I don't really have the courage to say it. I try to act humorous and childishly towards subjects that are discussed although I definitely feel that they are essential. Its ruining me from the inside and I think humor isn't gonna help me in the future, at least not 99% of the time.
You said,"You can do it by accessing your own internal switch, that we all have, that is to turn off the old behavior and focus on what your new behaviors should be. So through self help books, meditation consistent with your religion and philosophy, and prayer, you can cause change to happen. But in all cases, we all need a guide to get us there. Whether that guide is found in a book, with a therapist, a friend, inner-self through mediation or reflection, and so forth, we need to put thought and motivation into action."
How can I access this "internal switch" by myself?
While you were in the special forces, you realized what to do without much time or help from anyone.. How can you do that?
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 6 years ago.

Dear yaz,

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me.

 

The reason I recommended the toast masters, is that other than introducing yourself, you do not have to reveal intimate details about yourself or your feelings. From this remote site, I am unable to sit with you face to face to guide you, in activities you would need. Most activities require a group of some kind. So at least with toast masters, you develop the courage to speak up, and the confidence, self esteem, and assertiveness required to reach out with intimacy later on.

 

to do what I did, required courage and determination. But to get there, I like many others before me, had to go through a significant emotional event in order to do it.

 

My significant emotional event, was leading 12 men through patrols in the woods, and them depending on me. I failed them, and leadership would not let me out of the hot seat. I had to remain in charge, leading, and dealing with my own inadequacy while surrounded by peers, subordinates, and instructors. That provided me the motivation.

 

I was able to access that switch, by lots of positive self talk, attending Transactional Analysis Meetings, toast master meetings, and reading self help books. After about a dozen books, and finding a friend to talk to, I managed to be able to start meditating and praying. Positive self talk about how I wanted to be, and meditation, and talking to friends helped me to grow, and create a new me.

 

Repetition and redundancy. Avoiding negative people in my life, and associating with positive people, helped to get me to that place I wanted to be.

 

Perhaps if you are not ready to share verbally, you could join a martial arts class: Tae Kwon Do or Akido is best for this sort of thing. Tai Chi also works well.

 

 

Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience: USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
Ed Johnson and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. I will take your advice, maybe not today or tomorrow but hopefully soon.

Take care and best wishes,
Yazeed

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Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson
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USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt