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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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My boyfriend of 7 years said he wants to take a break We

Customer Question

My boyfriend of 7 years said he wants to "take a break" We did break up last year for a few months and got back together. but he recently said after talking with his therapist he needs "a break" He said we should see how we feel at the end of the month. I thought things were getting serious again, I think he got scared. I want to know if this is the real break up or if he "just wants a break" I'm so confused.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.
Hi catt,

I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you.

What are your ages?

Has marriage come up in conversations between the two of you?

What do you want out of the relationship?

Did he say why he needed a break?

Thanks. I will get back to you as soon as I can once you answer.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi thank you for responding. I feel so desperate. I just turned 51 he is 48. I am desperately searching the internet for some kind of resolve. We broke up last year cos he needed a break. I took it very hard fell apart, got myself together. We saw each other briefly at beginning of year but I couldn't continue cos his drinking/behavior was so bad. He put himself into a 30 rehab, and has been sober since with his dedication to the A.A. program. He has a good sponser and sees a psychologist. But he has told me he spends his time with his psy. talking about me, I feel picking me apart. He does have issues, I feel he is manipulated still by his mom. I have recently opened up more about how I care for him not mentioning marriage, but in his"break" talk he said I deserve someone who can commit. He said his psy said we need not to talk for a month.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm not sure if you recieved my reply
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.
Hi Catt,

Ok, here is what I think. As a psychologist, I'm guessing his therapist wants him to spend some time really evaluating his level of commitment to the relationship. If he does not talk to you for a month, he will be able to really decide how much he wants this relationship. Think about it...do you really want some guy who is just looking for a replacement mom. You need a man who will be willing to commit to you and make you happy. He sounds like he has a lot of problems...I'm wondering why you have stayed so long to begin with. I know that you are feeling desperate, but he has really treated you bad here. It sounds like his mom manipulates him and he manipulates you. I would give him this month to think. Also, I would use this time to really think about what you want out of this relationship. Is all of this worth it to you? Is there no way on earth that you could find another man? Give this some serious thought. You seem to make excuses for him...he is a grown man...he needs to act like one. Give it a month and see what happens. Come back here and ask another question in a month if you would like and we can talk about what happened.

If you found this answer to be helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my work. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am willing to pay if I can add something to make my answer a little clearer. I have stayed with him because I truly love him. He is my hearts desire. He is working very hard at sobriety. I did say a few things to him b4 the break up that maybe were a little too harsh but the truth. So he isn't just some man. He is conserned he said because he feels he doesn't make me happy. He did say he I deserve someone who can commit. I do know how much he loves me and this is tearing him apart. I think his psy is making him think. I can wait for him because he is growing thru his recovery. I guess I am looking for a hidden answer. My freind says whenever we get closer he back away but always come back to me. I guess I want to know if he will want me again, I know how I would handle things differently, I need to know if he has written me off.
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.
Hi Catt,

I seriously doubt he has written you off. You seem to be a very loyal person. People who have substance abuse issues often have difficulty in their close relationships. They tend to cycle between closeness and distancing. Remember...his substance abuse is just a symptom of some deeper problem he is facing. Substance abuse is a way to cope with some emotional conflict. I do not know what that conflict is, as I am not his psychologist, but I can assure you that he has trouble dealing with strong emotion. He has used alcohol to cope with intense emotion and likely feels guilty for the way he has used you all of this time. You love him, so you don't want to judge him. I understand that, but even he knows how badly he has treated you with this behavior. I doubt he will leave you. He is dependent on you in many ways...perhaps this is why the therapist wants him to separate from you for awhile. I think you need to just take a deep breath and wait a month. Tell him that you would be happy to give him the time to sort things out and let him know how you feel about him. He probably feels like a burden to you. Tell him that you will talk to him in a month and look forward to hearing from him. This may be a great restart for your relationship. It doesn't have to be something negative. =)

If you found this answer to be helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my work. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Two things now, is there a way I can print the answers you have given me. Is there a way I can contact you again, or is this sight random. And I will pay more this time or a bonus I guess if I can tell you that we are in the middle of the month already. It was unrealistic the first two days, I have accepted the month. I did talk to him once a few days after the "start" and he said his therapist said to wait " a month" I feel now it will be longer than a month. for some reason I feel more confident in letting him free if he comes back things will have to be different. Yes he does feel guilty now I guess. I guess his therapist is helping to see what is what. He is very bright, a middle school science teacher who hasn't worked in over a year. I do I know that when he told me a week b4 we broke up he did love me. How do I "wait" if there's nothing to wait for.Thank you.
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.
Hi Catt,

You can print the page by pressing Ctrl and "P" on your keyboard at the same time. It will bring up the option to print the whole page. If you would like to talk to me again, all you have to do is request me by typing "question for JR, M.A" in the subject line of the question. As far as this situation is concerned Catt, I can tell you are very anxious and fearful about what this will mean. Waiting is the hardest thing to do...I know. It is easy for me to say just wait a month. I know it will be hard for you to sit with all that ambiguity. You need to remember that you cannot make him come back. He has to want to be in this relationship. This month is going to be his chance to figure it out. I know that is hard and I'm sorry. If you really want to be with him, you need to know he is as committed as you are. This short break will let you know where he stands. I think I know where you stand on this issue. Hang in there and contact me when the break is over if you would like some help. You are doing all you can here. Don't worry about what you can't control.

If you found this answer to be helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my work. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy.



JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
JR, M.A. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

thank you so much, re-reading what I wrote I see I rambled , re reading what you wrote I understand. I will get back in touch with you. thank you so much Catt

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JR, M.A.
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I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.