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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I have been dating someone for a few months now. We have a

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I have been dating someone for a few months now. We have a long distance relationship, but still see each other every other weekend. While we are apart we speak on video chat pretty much every day. Recently he told me that he thinks I am talking to other guys while I'm talking to him. He also doesn't like that I still have communication with my ex-boyfriend. I just feel like I am being judged and find myself second guessing myself like I am doing something wrong when I know that I am really a good person and would never cheat. Am I wrong? How should I handle this?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
HelloCustomer

What are your ages?

How did you meet?

Are you saying he thinks that while you are videoing with him you have other people watching? or just that you are talking to other guys in general?

What kind of communications are you having with your ex?

Why did you and your ex split? How long ago was it?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hello Chase,

 

I am 27 and he is 29. We met on Facebook - we had been talking for about a month, then met face to face and have been seeing each other since then. He thinks that while I would be video chatting with him, that I am also talking to (not neccessarily videoing with) other guys. Plus, he thinks that just in general I am talking to other guys.

 

I haven't logged onto MSN chat ever since I started seeing this guy. But the other day somehow my computer logged on to it while Paul (the guy i'm seeing) was using my computer. While he was on, a guy sent an IM thinking it was me using the computer. So Paul got really upset, using it as "just another thing to add to the list".

 

The communication with my ex is mainly emails - maybe once or twice a month. We were together for 7 years and broke up about 2 years ago. So he will see that I have emails from my ex and that is another thing to "add to the list".

 

Am I wrong? Am I doing something I shouldn't be doing?

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
HelloCustomer

There are a couple of concerning issues here, and some of them are not his fault, and I'll explain. First off you are an adult, and fully capable of having a relationship and talking to other adults without having to feel that you are doing something wrong. Many people in relationships fall victim to pressure from their mate to stop talking to people of the opposite sex. This is a form of control and in time leads to other measures of control being implemented. It's a never-ending cycle. If you give in to what he's saying now, it will only get worse in time.

You said "somehow your computer logged on to it" while paul was on, do you think that's a coincidence? or is it possible he actually logged on? (scary) How does he know that you get emails from your ex? Who's idea was it that he should be going through your emails? And he's keeping a list? Just the fact that he's telling you that he's keeping a list is creepy. You're not a child and you certainly aren't his child.

You already know that you're not doing anything wrong, you don't need me to tell you that. This person has a problem and wants to control you and what you do. At this point, it's up to you whether to accept this behavior or not. You can stand up to him and tell him that you have friends, and if he doesn't like it, or doesn't trust you then he can hit the road, or you can let him continue with this cycle of abuse, because that's what it boils down to in the end, mental/emotional abuse. Of course if you tell him that, he may walk away....some people don't like to be challenged and won't stand for someone who will challenge them. Or, he might step back and say, ok, she's right and I should be able to trust her. There's no way to be sure how he;ll react, but for the sake of yourself and your sanity, you have to decide if it's worth it.

Some people act this way because of baggage from previous relationships
other because they are doing the exact same things they accuse you of doing
others because they are emotionally immature
others because they simply like to be in control no matter the cost

Regardless of why he's doing it, it's wrong. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Chase,

Let me just give a few more details. I want to make sure that if I take a stand on the issue and put my foot down, that it is a sound decision. Meaning, I don't want to be so firm about the issue, if there is a good reason why he is insecure. I have been single for what seems like forever and have gotten used to doing things my way. Now that I'm in a relationship I am worried about making "me" decisions instead of "we" decisions.

So with that said...

 

First thing......I am divorced. But I did not tell him right away; I told him just last weekend. So he respects my honesty and understands that my past is my past. I was only married for 4 months. I married a friend who was here illegally so it wasn't for love or anything like that. I was just trying to help him out. We only spoke about the issue for 30 minutes or so. He has mentioned that the issue is not "dealt with" and that we need to discuss it further. Fair enough.

 

With the email situation, we were both sitting at my computer, trying to find an email with an attachment. We were scrolling through all my saved emails and there were two from my ex. I knew he saw them but he didn't bring it up until later. To me, these emails mean nothing so why should I hide them? I would even let him read them.......

 

My ex currently lives in Azerbaijan as a Peace Corps volunteer. He sent me a keychain of Azerbaijan that I have on my car keychain.

 

I also have a pocket-size picture of my ex-boyfriend and myself on a keychain that I don't even use, laying on a window pane underneath a curtain outside on my back patio. Seriously, I can't even remember the last time I looked at that keychain. But he found it.

 

Last thing, I have a few saved photos on my computer of my exboyfriend and me. I thought I deleted them, but I guess I didn't get them all. I asked Paul to do some work on my computer, like freeing up memory, etc..and of course, he found the pictures and brought it up.

 

To me, these things are insignificant by themselves. But to him, when you add them up, they worry him and make him think that it is possibly for my ex to come back in the picture.

 

After hearing all this, is your advice the same?

 

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
HelloCustomer

I appreciate the additional information, and if you notice, I did not tell you what to do, I only suggested that there are things you can do to attempt to regain 'control' over this situation in some way. Many people don't like to think of relationships and 'control' in the same sentence, but the fact is, they can turn into huge control issues and in many aspects of a relationship, one person usually has more control than the other.

From what you've told me, I see a person who is systematically trying to erase your past, as well as trying to control who you communicate with. Mature adults don't do that. A mature man would not mind if your ex dropped you an email (from another country, even!) because when you told them that there is nothing going on, they would trust you and take your word for it.

So according to him, you cannot email males, talk to males....only him. If you agree with this premise, then what about when he gets mad because you said hello to the mailman, or said you like a particular movie star? What if he says you cannot be alone in a room with a male family member? Or that you cannot go out unless it's with him? Or makes you throw out all of your magazines because he doesn't want you looking at guys in magazines? or you can't watch tv for the same reason? It sounds crazy, but I have clients who have gone through this, and it all started with their mate telling them they could not email or speak to other men.

The flip side is how you feel about him talking to women online, or talking to his female friends, or exes? Is he going to allow you to go through his email? Fairs fair right? If you think that you would have problems being friends with women, emailing women and bing friends with his exes, then you need to discuss with him that you feel the same way. When you go to his house will he have pics of his exes around his house or in his computer? Will he still have any gifts his exes gave him, and even if he did, would it mean that he still wanted to be with them?

Its a sticky subject, and one you have to think about. If my mate makes a demand, I consider if they follow those demands themselves, and the reason why they are making the demand before agreeing or disagreeing to it. Let me know if you want to talk more

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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