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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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Im 30 my fiancee is 29, 5 weeks ago she came back from a weeks

Customer Question

Im 30 my fiancee is 29, 5 weeks ago she came back from a weeks holiday with her friend and her friends mum and imediately told me she is leaving me, she said she dont feel the same for me anymore and she sees me more as a brother, im devastated. The last few months money has been tight im out of work at the moment im just waiting on a job and im due to start soon, the thing is i live with her in her flat and everything is in her name and i have no where else to live, she speaks to me still and says she cares for me and when ive asked if we can get back together she says the way shes feeling now no. I just dont know what to do she means everything to me and i feel ive pushed her away with the way ive been almost drifting apart but it wasnt intentional, please help i dont know where to start i need some advice on getting back together, weve been together for 12 years and its been good up until now, im in a serious situation and risk loosing everything, yours sincerely Garry.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 7 years ago.
Hi Garry,

First, I would like to know why you have been together for 12 years and are not yet married to this woman? In order for me to help, I need to understand more about the course of your relationship. Why do you think she is ready to move on from you? Additional information would be helpful.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Hi, we were living at my parents house for about five years, and we had no plans to get married untill we were both financialy secure, i guess lack of money was the problem, she has also been studying for the last 6 years and she just graduated on the 6 th november, I feel she feels ready to move on from me because she feels nothing will change regarding my work situation but like i said in my question i have a job to start soon, but been out of work lately has made me quite negative and complacent, i reliase now that my actions and words have pushed her away, she must feel that theres better things out there, and i understand how she feels, i reliase my mistakes now that i look back, she still speaks to me and invited me to her graduation and i went with her, she also has dyslexia and it has been a struggle for her and me to get her through her asignments and i had to fight back the tears at her graduation because i was so proud of her. We were also planning to have our first child this christmas, and i wanted to marry her next year, i just wanted to save some money first. i just dont know what to say to her without pushing her further away as she is the type of woman who bottles everything up and doesnt realy say what she thinks, i guess i just thought everything was ok in the relationship, but deep down she was unhappy, she can be difficult to communicate with and she admits thats one of her problems, if i knew how she was feeling i would of done something sooner about it. I do feel we can save this and i know she is hurting too, she is also very strong minded and very stubborn, once i start work my plans are to wed and save for a deposit on a house, i just hope she gives me a second chance im just confused with what to do or say to her.
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 7 years ago.
Hi Garry,

It is not uncommon for men to talk about money problems or school as an excuse for not making a serious commitment. I point this out because I have the feeling that she is probably fed up of being with you after 12 years with no serious effort on your part to make that happen. After 12 years, you are reaching a point where you are finally ready to confront the reality of adulthood. Your fiancee probably is thinking that she has better options out there because you are not showing her the commitment and passion she longs to see from you. In fact, it sounds like you were quite comfortable going on with things, even when you probably knew that she wasn't as happy as when you first got together. You most likely ignored her cues and pretended like things were OK. You are not alone...many many men fall into this trap. Do not feel guilty about your negativity and complacency...just go and do something different. Your fiancee needs to see a fire and passion in you. She sees you more like a brother probably because you act more like a brother. You may whine, complain, fight with her, bicker, etc. You need to remind her of why she fell in love with you in the first place. Ask her out to dinner and tell her that you want to talk with her about something. Tell her how much you have neglected to treat her like your princess and how she deserves so much better. Show her that you are serious and are ready to make a commitment. Be romantic and buy her flowers. Ask her to give your relationship one more not blame about the mistakes you have made and apologize with your whole heart. Hopefully, this will melt down the wall between the two of you. However, it will take a great deal of time to repair this rift. Sorry I was so straight forward, but I figured you needed some type of reality check here.

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