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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Me and my Girlfriend of four years broke up recently... She

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Me and my Girlfriend of four years broke up recently... She got mad at me for some stuff and just walked right now. Now she has a new boyfriend who she says is not her type at all but she loves him and doesn't know why. I think its because he treats her like i had stopped treating her and she loves the way he treats her. I've been trying to talk to her but her friends/co-workers are always into the mix. She says she has to talk to somebody and they are like her counselors but she thinks they are going to be honest when I think they are one sided because they have just seen this bad time and don't really know anything else about our relationship. Do you think I have a chance to get her back? and Do you think her co-workers are telling her negative things and encouraging her to not get back with me? And why do you think she loves her new bf, do you think its because she just loves the way he treats her..?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long did the two of you date?

 

-What do you think was the reason left, what happened?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
We are both 21 right now....

She is a grade below me we date
d for a while in high school, then after my graduation party in 05 we dated pretty much eachother until the last month when she walked out

Well in 06 I was stupid and got mixed up with some other girl... and she left me back then but she came back to me and we were living together for the past year and a half but I was starting to neglect her and not do the things I should have and i think she just got fed up with it... then one night we got into an argument over something silly and i said something stupid on the phone and I guess that and everything else she just decided not to come back

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Deeply In Love CS,

 

If so many people are caught up in your relationship it may be harder than you think to get her back especially if those people only mention the bad about your relationship and wasn't there for the good that is why it's never a good idea to get friends involved in the relationship especially if you do not know if you can trust that friend to always keep an open mind and stay neutral. What you're going to have to do is show her that you have changed and if you haven't changed or don't change then it's possible she will stay gone. Show her all of the things that made her fall in love with you in the first place. It may be time for you to figure out your faults in the relationship and work on those before you try to get her back or else it will just be pretty much the same thing and reason she left in the first place, she was fed up and probably felt you were taking her love for you for granted show her that you weren't and that you love her just as much as she loved you.

 

Try writing her a long letter and in that letter state everything you did wrong in the relationship, don't write any excuses just your faults and tell her that you realized that you took her for granted when you were together and that you don't blame her for leaving this will show her that you actually do realize what part you had in the break up and also realize what you had in her. Apologize to her for your actions both in the past and now. Tell her you want to be the person she wants and that you have done alot of soul searching this past month and realized that you loved her even more than you thought you did. Tell her if she needs time then that is what you will give her because you want her to be sure that coming back is what she truly wants. Make sure you are ready to be the person she wants when you write the letter because if you say all of that and then she comes back and you haven't changed and she leaves again I doubt she will ever give you another chance again.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Well:
I already wrote her a letter explaning all my faults she said that didn't help but it hurt me?

Plus i can't show her anything because she has a boyfriend and while I respect that relationship I also fear that relationship at the same time because I could lose her permidently. Its hard for me to show her anything because I can't do anything with her now because she has this new boyfriend.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Deeply In Love CS,

 

I know it's hard because you're trying to cope with the reality of a break up and it's difficult enough, but when you see them with someone else, the feelings of rejection are unbearable. You might feel like winning your love back is impossible right now, especially when someone else is in the picture taking all the attention away, but all hope is not lost yet. It's common for people to get into a rebound relationship trap after a break up because your was or is trying to feel a void and subconsciously they go out and look for an available person to fill that void and this person can distract her from feeling anything for you not to mention the friends in her ear about how she shouldn't take you back and reminding her of the bad things that happened in the relationship.

 

I think she is playing a mind game with you because she says she isn't attracted to the boyfriend but yet she tells you she loves him and she says she likes the way he treats her but that can only get you so far you still have to be attracted to someone. Try not to win her back by acting immature and showing your disapproval it will only push your ex towards their new love! Try telling her that you have tried to get her back and evidently she wants the other, if you act as if you support the relationship and tell her that you understand she is in another relationship and if she is happy you are happy, this might make your ex think you are giving up on trying and if she truly loves you then she will rethink of she is really happy with the new boyfriend "He's HAPPY for me? What is he on?" Believe me these questions will allow your ex to re-evaluate your relationship and think about you. Whether they're thinking good or bad thoughts, the fact that they're thinking about you is a very good sign.

 

She clings to this guy because she thinks that if she does that you will continue to pine for her and want her back that is how most rebound relationships work. She is doing this to get back at you and if she isn't attracted to the new boyfriend then she is living a lie if she tells you she loves him you have to have some type of attraction in order to have real feelings towards someone, she says she loves him for your benefit to make you mad or jealous and if you feed into that she will only do it more. If you act as if you have no choice but to accept the relationship she will realize that her antics are not working and will no longer want the boyfriend because he isn't making you mad or jealous anymore.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
She said she told him she loved him but she doesn't know why... And like I said this is her exact words "yeah he aint my type but he treats me right so thats all that matters." so i should just go along with this relationship and act like i'm happy for it when inside its killing me..
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Deeply In Love CS,

 

You may not have a choice if she isn't willing to give you another chance and is going to continue dating this guy and you have already told her how you feel and that you want her back it seems to me that she is making you pay for all the hurt you put her through. How much of it can you take? As long as she knows it bothers you and upsets you to be with him she will stay with him even knowing he is not her type and though he treats her well if she isn't attracted to him treating her well will get old and then what will be left? She loves how he treats her she may not necessarily love him and you have to love everything about a person in order for the relationship to work. She has only been dating him a month or so, so how can it be love already? She seems to be trying to make herself believe she loves this guy just because he treats her differently than you did.

 

Just the fact that she didn't give herself much time to get over the break up shows that she is on the rebound and it's a matter of time before she realizes that, that is why you should never go into a relationship until you can find closure from the last one. You are going to have to give her time to realize that this relationship she is in is only a rebound but if she tells you she doesn't want you back then you will have to find a way to have closure and know when to walk away.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I understand... Well we've went from the point of not talking to kinda talking over the internet, and i told her i really wanted to see her so she told me stop by her job on sunday. And i asked her if she was really done with me or do i have any chance she wont completely say she is done but she gives me this "well i can't speak for the future" and she says that he is in the oil field and he may have to move and she is staying where she is if he moves so she keeps hitting me with that "whatever happens happens" senario.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Deeply In Love CS,

 

Then you may have to wait for that time to come when he does move and see if the feelings she has for him are real or just to make you mad. Have you actually seen them together? Either way that may be your only choice now wait for him to leave and see if it's really love or just Mr. for the time being kind of situation. That will be the true test them being apart because if she truly loves him she will be able to wait for him and if those feelings weren't true then she will pretty much show those feeling soon after he leaves. If she truly didn't want to be with you and didn't think you had a chance she would have said so long ago.Patience is a virtue so show her that no matter what you care about her and what she wants out of life even if it doesn't mean you being in it. Truly if she was really in love with this guy she would have told you when you asked her if the two of you had a chance of getting back together she would have replied "No! I'm with someone that I love now." She didn't say that at all just give it some time.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Alright, so sunday when i go by her job to speak with her it will only be me and her should I just keep everything on the friendly level and not mention "us" or anything. I really think truthfully she is just making me pay. She send me a msg online a while ago telling me she was just so uncertian about me and it kills her because i neglected her for so long and she doesn't know if i will really change. But I'm at the point where I need to get her to really understand how sorry i am for everything and how much i love her and care about her and how deeply my feeling are and that i was just being dumb and stupid and want to give her the world!!!! Everytime she sends me something and i reply she says i takes what she says and runs with it.. I guess my best bet is to build that friendship and then work my way up? I mean if she doesn't really love this guy she will come to eventaully. Yes I've seen them together in a picture online
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Deeply,

 

I would put all of your feelings out there on Sunday when it's just the two of you, if that doesn't want then tell her you only want for her to be happy and then after that I would keep things friendly until she came around and figured out her feelings, I really think she will come around because if she didn't care she wouldn't even be making an effort to reply to you and tell you she is afraid that she will come back and you haven't changed. Just keep trying to prove to her that you have changed and will be a better boyfriend this time around.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
You know i would like to believe that, I guess i'm just scared of what may happened and she end up with some other guy. I do honestly believe in my heart she is the one God put in my life to be with me but I screwed it up.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Deeply,

 

If you truly believe that then fight for her and put it in God's hands and it wont' hurt for you to tell her that when you meet on Sunday that you believe God sent her in your life and you screwed up and just want another chance. Just try to be totally honest about your feelings even if it make you vulnerable maybe that is what she wants to see that you human with human feeling and a heart because she may feeling like you don't care about her the way she wants to be cared for.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
But she tells me she doesn't want to hear me saying stuff like that... and i need to respect her relationship... and we just need to work on being friends. So should i tell her how I feel?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
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KimberlyF
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Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com