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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I have just discovered that my husband was regularly going

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I have just discovered that my husband was regularly going on porn web sites to have a virtual sex relation (the videos that have seen were about sex relations between a man an a women on the same type that we were used to have or blow jobs - that I have never refused to do). On the other side he refused regularly to have sex intercourses with me! He works away from home and when he is at home, he never enjoy the family life, never discuss with me or our son -12 years old-. He is happy only when he leaves home. But when I discuss with him he swore that he loves me and our son. After 14 years of marriage I am very confused, as I told me that he was doing this on a regular basis - at least 2 or 3 times a week and that he needs that and prefer to divorce than to explain why and try to discuss about this matter. Please help me!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long have you been married?

 

-How long has he being looking and going to porn site all total?

 

-Are you saying he now wants a divorce?

-Do you believe he is having an affair?


Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
hi Kimberley
He is 48 and I am 52 (both very fit and in good shape!)
We are married for 14 years
He said that he does that just from time to time and today he says that he has always been doing this ...
He has been visiting porn sites on a regular basis - 2/3 times a week for each time around 1 hour or more (but never when at home),
He said that he does not want to make any effort for our relationship and our marriage because it bothers him and that he never loved me as much as I do,
Since 6 years I believe that he was having sex with other woman (via porn site live chat were men can choose women looking for sex in the area for free) but he still denies it
but I also have discovered since a few years that he was liying about small stuffs such as train timetable, work shifts, days off, etc
he never really speaks openly with me (and I am very openminded and think that everything can find a solution ; but if he wants to leave I would like to find the true reasons as he stays very confused in his explanations.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

 

Your husband seems to have a severe sex addiction and has replaced human contact with virtue contact, being married to a sex addict makes you feel alone and deserted and unwanted because he would rather go to porn site than to make love you to his wife. He needs some extensive counseling but he won't get the help unless he is able to admit that he has a problem. The porn sites have contributed to the demise of you the marriage, you seem to be silently suffering tremendous damage to your self-worth in the marriage, blaming yourself for my husband's problem. You need to know that this isn't your fault and that your husband has a serious addiction and it seems that nothing else matters but the porn and pleasing himself not taking into consideration you or your son's feelings. His addiction to pornography may be filling your life with feelings of failure, shock, devastation, and hopelessness and now that he is ready to leave you don't know what to do or how to react. It could very well be that he is seeing other women or hiding something since he cannot stay home and leaves to do his dirty deeds.

 

This is making you blame yourself for something you had no control over like you said you are more than willing to give your husband the sexual things he needs but he is emotionally connected to the porn sites now and once they are emotional gone from the marriage it makes it twice as hard to get that back but it's not impossible if you can talk him into seeking help from a Marriage counselor or even a Sex Therapist but he has to be willing to at least try it and if he isn't ready to deal with this addiction it may be best for you to try a trial separation. Sex addicts are a lot likes other addictions drug, gambling, alcohol, they try to cover up what they are doing from their family so they do it away from home or hide somewhere in the home that the wife or family cannot find out, they make excuses for why they are doing what they do usually they blame other people instead of looking within themselves. He is giving up on the marriage because it's easier than giving up his porn right now most addicts don't do anything about their addiction until they hit rock bottom and have lost everything this may be the case with your husband he hasn't hit rock bottom yet so he isn't ready to get help for his issue, prime example is that he is willing to lose you and his son in order to continue to do what he is doing.

 

You now have to do what is best for you and your son and allow your husband to go his own way if he isn't willing to get help and try to save his marriage, you cannot make him go to counseling if he is pushed too far it will make things worse and make him want to go to the porn or to the other women if there are any other women. He is in denial that this is wrong and he shouldn't be doing this. The sex addiction and porn has become his marriage now. You need to let him go and find out on his own what he is giving up and destroying with this addiction. Like all addictions they are willing to give up everything along with their pride for their addiction. Don't continue to be miserable when he doesn't want the help, talk to him about getting help and ask him to at least try it and if his answer is no then you know you have to leave for yours and your son's sake.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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KimberlyF
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