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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Theres a health issue involved but I know all the risks involved

Customer Question

There's a health issue involved but I know all the risks involved with that (I'm a nurse)so this is really a relationship question... My new boyfriend has herpes. He has been completely open and honest with me about it since our second date. I am falling completely in love with him and he just got his first oral outbreak ever last week. Now he's talking about it changing our relationship and that maybe he really "has to be alone for the rest of his life". I'm afraid he won't let himself love me and will end up breaking my heart even though I'm ok with him having the virus and us waiting to be physical. Since he had the oral outbreak he said he doesn't even want to kiss me for risk of infecting me, even after it clears up. His sense of responsibility is part of why I love him but now it's starting to worry me. What do I do? Just wait? For how long? What if he just convinces himself to push me away in the meantime? How can I get him to realize he deserves love (and so do I)?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

What are your ages?

How long have you known him?

How did you meet?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am 29 and he is 31. We met 2 months ago out at a bar - talked a lot, exchanged numbers, started talking on the phone and then dating regularly (at least 2x per week) since. We were doing everything but sex physically until he got the outbreak on his lip early last week and now we just hold each other on the couch some since.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Can you define "everything physically"? Kissing? Oral sex?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Sorry. Lots of kissing. No hand jobs. He went down on me. (Since he thought he didn't have it orally since he had never had an oral breakout before.) I did not go down on him. He is now worried that he already gave it to me. I need an annual pap in the next week or so anyway and am planning on getting the blood test for it while there just to check. There is the chance that I already had it and that he got the oral from going down on me. My main issue is really what can I say or do to not let him slip away simply because he is afraid of infecting me? -- besides any medical teaching because he is extremely knowledgable about it. He knows there's always a risk of infecting even without an outbreak. What's new is that now he knows he can orally. Which is why he's saying he won't even kiss me anymore. If my test comes back positive that could solve everything, but assuming I'm negative, what can I do?

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Ok, to be clear you shed herpes cells even without an outbreak, and oral can transmit to genital and vice versa. If you've never had breakouts then the chance of him having gotten it from you is low. At this point you seem pretty determined to be with him, even if it means you contract herpes, which can cause all types of physical problems for you down the line, including HPV and cancer. Without continuing on the 'educational' aspect of it, although I'm reticent to tell you how to 'harm' yourself, you can simply sit him down and let him know that you want to be with him, and that you care enough about him to take your chances. You can tell him that perhaps the two of you can hold off on any sexual activity until you get to know each other and decide that you want to get serious about being together. It really depends on how he feels about you, and how serious he is willing to take the relationship.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am not satisfied with this answer. How do I reject it? There's only an accept button. I was trying to emphasize I was not asking for any health education. I know the health risks and that there's always a possibility of transmission. And for one thing, herpes does NOT cause HPV and cancer!! HPV is an entirely separate virus that causes cancer. Having herpes increases risk for transmission of other sexually transmitted infections including HPV and HIV but in itself does not cause them! If you were trying to imply that my decision to go for him regardless of him having herpes was wrong, I take offense to that. It's estimated that 60% of the adult population has herpes, the majority of which are asymptomatic and don't know it, for one thing. For another, since it does NOT LEAD to cancer or anything more serious than having to be extra careful around chidbirth and possibly requiring a c-section if having an outbreak during delivery, it is not something to stigmatize people for or avoid the potential of love and happiness and marriage and babies and all the same in life that anyone "disease-free" plans for. And where you actually addressed my question - your response was so general and unhelpful! I've told him my opinion. I needed something a little more insightful. I very much regret my spending money on this. Is there any way to get a refund??
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
853 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues