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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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Let me start this off by saying I am a very conservative girl.

Resolved Question:

Let me start this off by saying I am a very conservative girl. So there is this guy I am kind of fond of and I think he is kind of fond of me. We have hung out in a group a few times with his friend and brother, but nothing has ever happened. We have just had fun. I really like him and I would be interested in a relationship with him if it ever came up.           HERE is the problem, this past weekend I went to a huge party.. I got extremely drunk, scary drunk and there is a lot I don't remember. I am very ashamed as I should be. I ended up sleeping with his brother. I don't know if he knows or not. I sent a message to his brother apologizing and telling him I don't know what happened and it wasn't like me. My first question, is there any chance that he and I could still have a relationship? I think I hurt his brother's feelings because he was interested in me and now he feels really stupid after I apologized. What should I do about him?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.
HiCustomer

What are your ages?

Do you realize that a woman cannot give her consent to sex when she is intoxicated?

Have you talked to a counselor?

Are you in college?
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

I am 21, the guy I slept with is 24, and his brother is 26.....

 

So the party was saturday night and I have been literally sick about this whole situation. First of all, obviously I am extremely ashamed...about what happened period....

 

Secondly, I really like his brother and frankly I don't know how it all happened, but I do know that regardless, it is my fault for allowing myself to become intoxicated.....

 

Lastly, the guy I slept with was extremely nice afterwards..he took me home, asked if i was okay, sent me messages later and told me to call him or he would call me...I didn't realize everything that had happened and he kind of questioned me...you don't remember? I could see that he was hurt by this. What I do know is his older brother, the one I like, is just a better looking guy, they are both attractive, but I hit it off better with his brother. I know he feels like he can never live up to his brother's expectations. So, I don't want to hurt him by saying anything about it. I really don't know how he would take it and I don't want to hurt his feelings worse by saying anything, especially if nothing can or will ever happen with his older brother...

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.
HiCustomer

Well, it certainly sounds like you are dealing with a very complicated situation there. First, I have to speak from the perspective of a responsible mental health professional and encourage you to consider the possibility of reporting this incident or at least seek counseling regarding the possibility of reporting it. You have a tremendous amount of shame and guilt, which is loosely based on reality. Yes...you made a mistake in getting too drunk. Yes...You compromised yourself in a way that you are embarrassed about. No...You are not completely responsible. Yes...you are also a victim in this situation. A responsible 24 year old man should not be having sex with a drunk 21 year old woman. He should know that you are not legally able to give your consent to sex. YOU ARE NOT LEGALLY ABLE TO GIVE YOUR CONSENT. I repeat that because you glossed over that. He technically took advantage of you and committed a crime in the eyes of the law. However, because of your guilt and shame...you are taking on all of the responsibility. I do not have the time to explore the origins of your guilt and shame, but I'm sure you have a good bit of that in your history. I do not mean to sound harsh...but I want to give you a good dose of reality here. This guy used you and took advantage of you. I don't care how nice he treated you after he used you...HE PROBABLY FELT GUILTY TOO! He felt better by treating you nicely. He may have feelings for you, but frankly, he used you. There is no way of twisting that around...period. As for this brother, I do not know how he will respond to knowing what happened. If it were me and this was my brother...I would not be interested in you. Even if the brother is partly to blame here...I would be weirded out by that...but I am not this guy. You will have to cross that bridge when you get there. However, you must be honest with him about it. If he accepts it, then you may have a chance...but I would not encourage this. As a psychologist...I would encourage you to go and get counseling regarding this issue. You are a victim here...and you do have some options. Maybe once you realize this, you might not feel so darn guilty and shameful. Please go get some counseling. If you go to college...go to the college counseling center. They can be an excellent resource and it is free.

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