I am female. I am 34 and she is 27. We've been together about 8 months. We initially met via an online dating site.
We wanted to have a joint account to handle household finances, but she didn't like my idea of having 3 accounts one for each of us and one for the home.
I am not comfortable making financial decisions alone. Everytime I think I might be able to pay down some of my own debts, something else comes up that requires my attention. Just recently it was her car. She has been unable to make payments since February and the situation finally went to court. She had been trying to give the company money, but they refused to take it. I told her we could take care of it, but she waited until a few days before the court date to do anything.
She has numerous outstanding debts. We regularly have letters coming to our home for her debts. She doesn't like that I want to stay on top of my bills, even though paying them ontime means we don't have a lot of extra money. She makes snide comments about my spending habits, but says nothing when she decides she needs something. She never spends a lot of money, but a lot of times I know nothing until I look at the bank account.
Last night I bought groceries because we didn't have any and she was angry because I hadn't used her food stamp card. I had the money. I get paid in 2 days, I didn't think it was a big deal. In fact, I thought she would be happy. Instead, she got huffy and logged into the account to see what I had spent. She's happy to eat the food I bought, but because it would affect the $2000 I borrowed to pay off her car, she was worried. Then she tells me she doesn't want us to go in the hole. Yet, she plans busy weekends that end up costing much more than we planned on. A last minute camping trip ended up being close to 300 dollars. Money, I hadn't planned on budgeting. So we never having any padding.
When I try to talk to her about saving, she just wants to save for vacation. She doesn't like that I want to put money in my IRA or in my son's 529 plan. She's never had money before, and she understands nothing about it. I constantly feel guilty for spending the money I earn. I want to make this relationship work, because she is a wonderful person and I do love, but at the same time, I don't like the way she controls situations by using guilt.
If I try to talk to her, it dissolves into a fight and she tells me I'm treating her like my BPD mother. My therapist says I'm not, but I don't know what to believe.
She does give me her checks for babysitting, and she also works evenings at a school as a asst. theater director. I'm left with all of the finances and the majority of the household chores. I'm starting to resent her and I don't like that.
Ironically, I just opened another bank account. I received a significant raise at work, and I'm going to siphon extra money off into this account so I can have emergency funds again. I haven't said anything to her.
Just last night she told me that she thinks her working nights doesn't really phase me. Truthfully, I like her being gone. I get tired of her wanting to snuggle and be close all the time. I like being able to do things I enjoy or working around the house.
As for the food stamp card, she goes over receipts when I use it, so I never feel like I can really use it. I'd rather just use my own money, and if I put something in my cart I didn't plan for, then I don't have to feel guilty for it.