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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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I have been in this relationship for 4 years now and he lives

Customer Question

I have been in this relationship for 4 years now and he lives 100 miles away. We see each other at weekends taking turns going to each other houses. I have a young son who is 8 lives with me. I have to do everything with school run, work part time, clores, etc so much to do. I do get very tired but I do anything for my son. He is my world. The only problem is that I don't have any quanity time with my bf as my son needs my constant attention, his bio father does not see him for the last 7 years the only time I have time with my bf is my parents to look after my son. My bf wants to go away a few times leaving my son with my parents. I am finding it extreamly hard to juggle everything. My bf has two grown up daughters and a grandaughter. What do I do as my bf wants my attention and moans when I don't give it to him. Is he being reasonable?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How much time do you spend with your boyfriend on a weekly basis?

 

-Are either of you willing to move closer to each other?


-Couldn't you include your son in your plans?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am 39 years old. My bf is 49. We only see each other at weekends, about 3 times a month or less sometimes depending on my son's actitives etc. My bf has asked us to move in with him which I am not too keen on but hoping to move halfway but don't think he is keen on that either. We do sometimes include my son in the plans that we do but my bf prefers to be just us two sometimes. He thinks that my son gets in the way sometimes but he is willing to join, there are places that my bf likes to go involving photography as he enjoys that as part of his hobby. My son gets abit bored with it as that's all we can do watch my bf taking photo's. My son plays football matches nearly every weekend but my bf is losing his patiences as he does not like football and sometimes come along to watch but thinks that it's abit unfair on him to having to do that most weekends. I love the idea of watching my son playing as it makes me feel proud. my bf thinks I am doing too much for my son.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

As parents in this day in ages there is no such thing as ever doing too much for our children and you may want to remind your boyfriend that you come as a package, your son and you. It's very important as parents that you stay involved and supportive of your children. If you aren't support of your child as a parent you could very well lose your child to bad things and bad people. I hate to say this but if he can not accept you being a mother and support your son in his activities he may not be the one for you, it's important to have someone that will understand that parenting your son and showing your son that he can depend on you is the most important thing in your life until he becomes an adult. It doesn't seem like you share the same interests and ideas of parenting he wants all of your attention and you can not give him that he has to be willing to share your attention with your son. He is an adult and doesn't need or depend on you, your son does.

 

Any man that thinks your son gets in the way now is certainly not worth moving to because it may get worse and it could hurt your son and yours relationship. I could understand him being upset about the little time that you spend together but he should not use your son as one of his complaints. I would not make any drastic decision about moving yet because it just doesn't seem like things will change even if you move closer to him, he still won't like Football and your son still won't think photography is fun, he needs to be able to compromise even if he doesn't like football be supportive because that is your son playing instead of getting resentful. A relationship is always about compromise and if the couple can not compromise for the sake of the relationship then maybe they should be in that relationship.

 

 

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for the advice. I hope this does help. Atlhough my bf understand as he has two grown up daughters but I don't understand that they have never been to any of these actitives that my son does now. They weren't interesting when they were young, now they are lazy and one has a child living with her and her bf. The other lives with his ex wife. I know me and my bf have different views on this issues. He seems to think that I have no life at the moment concerning my son's. He told my son that he should let me have a life as well as his. I was upset and hurt by this. My son said yes I will give anything to what my mum wants but I could see the sadness on his face. I was shocked what my bf said, he means well but did he have to say it. I don't want to upset my son anymore. I just want him to have a life and a good childhood which that's what I am doing enjoying being with him while he is at a young age. He can be vulverable as he constant wants my attention. My bf seems to think that he should leave me alone. I am scared as don't want to be on my own and want to settled down. Although I have a lovely home anyway just me and my son. He has everything that he needs. I am sad that his bio father does not see him at all. So I am doing my best in giving him all the love he needs. My bf wants us to move in and he wants to travel on his own with his photography hobby and he thinks it's okay to leave us as I can't go due to my son schooling and work. I just wish he lived closer as life would be easier. He is devoted on his grandaughter. I am scared to be alone again. I do have alot of friends who I see occassially. I am scared of hurting my bf as I nearly did end it but he wouldn't have it as he said that he loves me too much and don't want to lose me. I am scared to say oh I can't come up as I am either too tired to drive 100 miles or my son has things to do with football. His football manager needs my son there as now he's made to be a captain. My bf thought it was abit unfair as that means he have to be there regularly. My bf is willing to compromise in moving half way but I am scared to be honest.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Can I ask you one more question: What is your son's age?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

He is 8 years old and will be 9 in Feb 2009.

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I see in your original post that your son is only 8, there is no way your son should have to leave you alone to have your own life your life has to include him is he only a little boy and should not be made to make such drastic decisions it could have an adverse affect on him. At that age you have to be very important that you do not make them feel like a burden and that is what you boyfriend made him feel like, it was not his place to say anything to your son, he should have let that up to you to say so that you could find the right words to say it. The way he said it though he may have meant well hurt your son's feelings. Not trying to be harsh but if he would have possibly shown his daughters that kind of love that you show your son maybe they wouldn't not have turned out the way that they did.

 

His way of thinking is very selfish to ask an 8 year old boy to leave his mom alone so that she can have a life is very unfair at that age our children depend on us even more because they have not seen much of the world or haven't learned to take care of themselves. If he can not understand you being too tired to drive all the way there and meet you half way or drive himself then you may have to rethink this relationship and where it's headed because it's important to be with someone that supports both you and your son and if he loved you then he would love your son equally as he does you. Just be careful that in trying to please him and bend over backwards for him that you do not lose your son in the process don't let a man change the type of parent you are your son has depended on that from you since he doesn't have his father to teach him the ways of being a man you are both mother and father for him.

 

Allow your son to be part of your decision making because if you do decide to move in with this man your son has to live with him also and that means you have to make sure that this man is going to respect your son as well as you. I understand you not wanting to be alone again but you also don't want to be put in an unhappy or unhealthy situation for you and your son. Try setting some ground rules about meeting and the time you spend together one weekend he comes there for your son's game one weekend you go there for whatever he likes to do this way possibly keeping everyone happy. There just has to be alot of compromise and communication before you decide to move in. Make sure you work through the issues before you make any decisions and remember include your son's opinion.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I don't know what to do now. I was supposed to go to my bf's for the weekend this weekend but having to drive 100 miles away is abit dauting and I feel exhausted today. My parents will look after my son so I can go alone and that my parents will take my son to football match tom so he doesn't miss out. My bf is looking forward to seeing me and spending time on our own this weekend and is taking me to the cinema. But at the moment i am not too sure whether to go or not as I have no energy and want to stay at home. My bf will want to come down but I feel that I am letting him down although he will prorbarly understand but I feel that I have let him down. I just want to be on my own with my son this weekend. Don't know why I am feeling like it. I don't want to hurt my bf. Don't know what to do as my bf will think that I don't want to see him at all. I don't know if I am in love with him anymore. Just want to be on my own. I have felt like that for a while but kept hanging on to him. We been together 4 years. I am confused.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Four years is a long time to be with someone and the fear of being alone again and having to date again may be scary but you have to have someone positive in your life that will accept the fact that your son has to come first and then them second and be supportive of not only you but the things your son loves to do also. It may be better for you to find someone that lives near you and has the same interests as you and your son. If you are feeling too tired to drive there then don't drive there and then God forbid possibly get into an accident because you fell asleep your son needs you since his father is non existent in his life you are all he has now don't jeopardize that. I think space is what you need and if your boyfriend doesn't understand that then maybe he wasn't the one for you at all and that is just another example of that. I think subconsciously he is making you resent him for making you make a choice between him and your son and I think you realize that he isn't going to be good for your son but don't want to throw away 4 years but your son has to like your mate as well as you and I think when he made your son feel bad about taking your attention he may have lost a little respect from your son. I think your son wants you to be happy and this is why he won't say anything but if you aren't happy don't you owe it to not only yourself but your son to find someone that truly makes you happy and supports whatever you do whether it be together on your own or with your son?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Help!!! I am torn! I agree with all your advice that you have given. My mind is in two different places all the time! I was supposed to go to my bf's this weekend but not going due to my son's football cup match this sun. My parents offered to have my son and take them but my son wants me to go to watch him because I missed last sunday because my bf wanted to go to the market instead. I felt guilty. My son not said that he was upset but he told my parents. My parents mentioned it to me. I explained it to my bf, he said why should I feel guilty about it. He thinks my son should let me have a life and shouldn't keep going to watch him every weekend. He seems to think it's unfair on me and too much for me to do. I don't mind I know its every weekend and we don't get a break. But my son is now a captain and enjoys it very much. My bf is upset because I am not going to his now although I was supposed to last weekend but he came instead and was hoping I go this weekend. It is hard now as my son has grown and is involved in alot of activities. My bf thinks our relationship is not going anywhere bec of this football issues all the time. He loves me alot and dont' want to spilt up at all. But I am having to think of my son's feelings as I have already let him down twice and will not do it again. My bf understands that he enjoys football but thinks going every week is too much as it's not making our relationship any better. I am feeling resentful towards him as he now said that his girls wants to see me this weekend but not mentioned seeing my son. I was abit hurt as I think that's his excuses for saying that so to make me go. He's not said it before in the past why now! What do you think I should do.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Your boyfriend is entitled to his opinion but this game coming up is very important to your son almost like a playoff game and like your parents said he was upset to find out you were not going to come at first and I commend you for making such a difficult decision seem like the right decision, if only your boyfriend saw it the same way. Be very careful that he doesn't bridge a gap between you and your son because in all honesty only one major disappointment can send your son from being a great kid to a sad and angry kids. Your son needs you way more than your boyfriend does right now since his father is not there for him you will be the one to mold him into a man and it would be really nice if your boyfriend were more supportive and possibly could step in as a father figure but he won't get any where with the attitude he is taking with your son he is pretty much saying that your son needs to learn to do without you at the age of 8 years old that is impossible.

 

I can understand you feeling as if you are being pulled two different ways but your boyfriend should put that kind of pressure on you as a single mother he should really understand. Maybe you should tell him that your son comes first and it will always be that way until he becomes an adult. Yes, you should have your own life and a life outside of your son but that life shouldn't be with someone that tries to alienate your son. Just be careful and listen to your son so that he doesn't feel like he can not talk to you because you do not hear him and that he would rather talk to his grandparents your child should always feel as if they can talk to you.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks againSmile Yeah, I am trying to reassure him. Although he does understand but I think he's disppointed in a way that I should be spending quality time with my bf and not my son. He knows my son is important to me but is worried about the relationship that it has impact on us both. I think he's hurt in a way that I have let him down twice because my son's football is so important to my son. And I don't want to upset my son again this time. My bf seems to think that it's okay to leave him with my parents so I can enjoy the weekend wit him. But I think if I did that, I will feel guilty leaving my son. My bf seems to think that I should not feel so guitly and that I should have a life. My bf thinks football is taking over my life now and thinks its too much. I understand that but if my son did give up then I will never forgive myself as the manager will take him out if he is not there at a regulary times. My bf said that my son should understand that not everyone likes football and will not go every week to watch him. My bf would watch him sometime but not every week. As he has a hobby of taking photography he seems to think my son should go with him to watch him do that rather than go play football every week. Is he being childish or selfish. I also feel abit guilty for not going to my bf's this weekend. But of course my son comes first before him. He keeps putting down that he is trying his best to support my son as much as he can and thinks that he has done better than his bio father. Why does he keep bringing him up on the subject also he thinks that I should explain to my son why his dad doesn't want to continue a relationship as being a dad to him. I said that I don't think it's right at the moment, my son does love him although he never sees him so I wouldn't ruin his feelings for him till he is older enough to understand and hopefully will meet his real dad in future then he will find out the real him.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I don't think it's so much childish or selfish I think that he realizes this is the only time he has with you and may feel that you are pulling away from him and using your son's football games as an excuse, try explain to him that football doesn't last all year it's a couple of months and can he please be patient until the end of football. He is over stepping his bounds asking you to purposely hurt your son's feelings sometimes the truth needs to be withheld to spare the child's feelings. He doesn't have that right yet to tell you what to do as far as the good of your son is concerned. You are going to have to tell him to stop questioning your parenting skills that you are doing what is best for you son and that is what a good parent does put their needs behind their child's needs. Ask him to be patient and that if he cares about you he could wait a couple of more weeks until football is over. Tell him your concerns about the strain on his and your son's forming of a relationship and that he has to be very careful about his treatment of your son and taking into consideration of your son's feelings because ultimately your son will have a part in your decision of a mate. Maybe e he will back off and not be so demanding of your time on the weekends or at least participate in activities with your her it has to be give or take definitely for their to build a healthy relationship and mutual respect.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks again, to be honest I don't know what I really want. I either want to continue the relationship with my bf or don't. Why am I feeling like this. Am I falling out of love for him. I was in love with him but it seems to be fading for some reasons. We get on great but I know we don't have alot in common. I am an outgoing person with alot to give and love going out although I don't go out much but when I do, I really have a great time. Where my bf is a stay at home person and likes to fall asleep. I can get abit bored with him. Lucky I don't live with him just yet. Everytime we go to his for the weekend, he goes to bed around about 10pm where I liked to stay up abit later to watch some tv especially it's on Saturday. I understand my bf gets very tired as he works from 4am till 1pm every day and sometimes works on saturdays. I do get tired but I tend to like to stay up abit later. He is 10 years older than me. I feel like that I am giving him more than I get back. I wish he was abit more outgoing and likes to stay up abit later. When we do go out, he couldn't wait to come home early esp if we go to a party and I am having a great time with friends chatting He doesn't social very well. I am abit disappointed, I do love him but don't know if I am in love with him anymore. He's a great man and is very thoughtful at times. I seem to find alot of faults in him lately. I do like being on my own, sometimes I look forward to seeing him coming down but lately I havn't. I don't understand. Do you think we should stay together considering it's a long distance relationship. I have been invited to couple of parties last year and asked him along, he refused on two occassions. I was very disppointed as I really wanted to go but didn't want to go alone so we end up staying in instead. I know I have a son to think about but these parties was two of my great friends and it was a speical occasion.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I think you have lost respect for him because he thinks you should desert your son and you know you are a parent before anything else and your boyfriend doesn't see how important that is to you and I don't think he cares because he is being selfish. Plus the fact that the two of you really have nothing in common he likes things that you don't and you enjoy things that he doesn't. You can only change yourself so much for someone else until you find yourself no longer what you were but what your mate wants you to be. You have just mentioned above everything you do not like about him or things about him that are different from the things you like to do. I think the distance plays a huge part also but it's mainly the fact that you don't feel he is as supportive as you are toward him. If you have to list the reason why you shouldn't stay in the relationship then there is definitely something wrong within the relationship. It's just not fair that he uses your son as one of the reason the two of you do not get along when you have just given me five or more reasons why you don't get along but all he complains about is your son keeping you from spending more time with him. You need some space to think about what you want without him interfering. You are confused and unable to have time to yourself to think, maybe take one weekend to yourself and think about what you want and what he gives and see if they coincide with what you need in your life right now.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Will I even meet the right person, as I don't think I have. I was in love with my ex years ago and I lost him now. I wished I should have stayed with him but it wasn't meant to be. It was my friend that split us up at the time by stirring up trouble. Anyway, I am still with my current boyfriend and still love him. I know the distance is causing abit of a pain. But is he the right one or should I go my seprate ways. I just feel that I have not met my match and have been unlucky in love. I have had many boyfriends in the past and want to settle down this time. It gets harder when your older as alot of them are either married or in stable relationship. I am not looking to split with my current boyfriend but it gets difficult with the distance I have not seen him for 2 weekends now. I envy my friends who are now married and some of them are happy. I wish I could step in their shoes but it hasn't happen to me and I always wanted to get married. I have been bridesmaid for 8 times and people say 'Always the bridesmaid never the bride'.

I am nearly 40 and still not in a stable relationship as I would have liked to.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Do you think it's normal if my bf never asks me how my son is over the texts. As I always asked after his children and grandaughter. Why doesn't he do it in return. Do you think he should? Considering he doesn't see my son in the week. I just wish he could. I know he will never be his dad but it would be nice. As his bio father has never asked or see him. I am abit hurt. I went to my son's open night the other night to see how he got on at school. I told my bf, he never asked how did he get on etc? Why is he being like that? I have told him how I feel in the past, he said that there's no need to keep on asking. I was abit hurt as it would be nice if he did. I wish he could be more of a father figure towards my son.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

It may be that he harbors some resentment towards your son for taking up your attention and maybe you should talk to him about this for this isn't the first time he has treated your son as if he is getting in between the two of you and if his problem is your son it may be time to get rid of this guy for he may do more harm than good where your son is concerned. If a father figure for your son is what you are looking for I just don't think you are going to find it in him he has already exhibited displeasure for you spend quality time with your son and not him, he may be growing to resent that and unjustly blaming you son when clearly he could make more of an effort. Maybe he didn't get along with his father and this is why he acts as if he doesn't care maybe he doesn't know how to do that.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I went to my bf's for the weekend just gone on my own and my son was at my parents so he could go to football match yesterday. I missed him terribly! But it was a nice to be with my bf and to have time on our own. Went out for meal, saw his daughters and his grandaughter. It was lovely. I kept in touch with my son by text each other and I felt bit guilty as he wasn't with us and I wished he was. My bf not asked after my son at all. Every subject I bring up about my son, he listened but not talked about it. He spoke alot about his grandaughter and I joined in the conversation as she is only young and it was lovely to watch her in thing she was up to and making us laugh. She has a charcter and she's lovely. We all adore her. I felt guilty that my son wasn't there to join in. I was abit hurt as he not mentioned my son's name at all. I thought, he knew how I felt about him, I did him a favour so we could have time together. It was hard as I was tired coming home. I couldn't wait to pick my son up, he was so excited to see me. My bf and I was discussing issues about holidays, I said that I want to go to Spain as planned but he refused, he rather go somewhere else instead. My son and I want to go to Spain as not been for years and my parents has a place there. I got the day off one day next week and so has my bf, I said xmas shopping together, he said no he prefer to go to London to take picutres of certain buildings etc. I thought why can't he give me something that I want for a change. I love him very much but does he love me enough as I always give it to him all the time and don't get any back from him. We got on great at the weekend no agurements but his grandaughter's mother was abit annoying as she kept reminding me and her dad that her daughter is one of his favourite and she loves him to bits. I thought why is she doing that saying that in front of me. I understands she's young, they ever talked about what to buy her for xmas etc but not mentioned my son's name included. I was so hurt. I didn't say anything.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I am so stress at the moment with my mother. She's lovely, I love her to bits. But when it comes to my bf, she thinks he's not good enough for me. I went to London for the day with him the other day without my son as he was at school. My bf spent all day taking photo's of different things in London, musems etc. I enjoyed the day but I was abit disppointed that we didn't have time to go xmas shopping and he wasn't keen on doing it anyway. When we came back to fetch my son from my parents, my mum knew how I felt but told my bf off that he should have gone shopping with me, do half of his photography and half of xmas shopping. I told my mother to leave it and not to get involved. I understand that she wasn't happy and she's giving me a hard time about it. I know my mother means well as she thinks he is so selfish. I was abit upset as I do still love him and I know he is selfish so everyone keeps reminding me. But he was good as he babysat for me on sat for my girls night out, as babysat 3 times so far in four half years we been together so I was pleased and my son and him enjoyed the company on their own so it was good. My mother seems to think that he is wrong for me and I understand as I do moan about him at times. And she is worried about the moving thing if he is going to continue doing that. She thinks I am too soft on him. But I Know I got the habit of letting him and giving it to him all the time and I can't help it and I should be stronger but I think I am scared to. Help! I think I have hurt my mother as we had abit of a row about it. She went mad that my bf swears in front of my son and she told him off again. My bf and her never have got on well anyway. She's the same with my sister's husband. I wish she could leave us alone. I know she wants whats best for her daughters.

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