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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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He is 15 yrs. younger than me and it bothers me terribly.

Customer Question

He is 15 yrs. younger than me and it bothers me terribly. I'm very sensitive about being older regardless although I remain attractive. I think because of the age difference he will eventually leave me. I told him in the beginning I was too old for him but he continued to pursue me. We have been together for over a year now. He calls me every day and comes over on weekends - Sat. thru Sun. Lives an hour away. It bothers me that I think about him so much too. Says he cares for me but has never said he loves me. I have told him I love him. Sexually I can't really let myself go with him or take the initiative. I told him what to do to make me have an orgasm but I'm not assertive about it and he doesn't pursue it either. He told me he is willing though. I get the feeling he never assisted a woman with climaxing.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello nan

What is your question?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
why do I feel this way: anxious about the age issue. Why do I wonder if he loves me? Is caring for someone the same as loving someone? Does he call me just for conversation? Does the age difference eliminate a future?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Nan,

It's normal to worry about an age difference of 15 years, it's a pretty large gap, and it's not surprising that you feel anxious about it. There are some cultures who don't mind age differences, but some of those same cultures may also not be into monogamy. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is everyone is an individual, and if he wants to be with you, then he will and if not, he won't....that goes for anyone, even yourself. If he loves you, you will know, because he will show you in the things he does, how he feels about you. I'm not sure that caring and loving someone is the same thing, you can care for someone and not want to share your life with them or even be around them for any extended period of time. I couldn't tell you whether or not he just calls you for conversation or if it's more than that, over time you should be able to know how he feels, and if you don't there might be a problem. At all times you have to look at how you feel when you are around him (NOT how he makes you feel, but how you feel when he's around) do you feel anxious? does he upset you? Are you depressed? angry? sad? Do you feel like theres a connection? that he understands you? Agrees with you? Listens to you? These are the questions you have to ask yourself. Does the age eliminate a future? Only time will tell. The best I can tell you is to strengthen yourself....create a life for yourself where other people can add to your life, but do not take away from it. Everything changes and we either accept that or fight it, but it's still a fact. Enjoy the moment, enjoy your life because tomorrow isn't promised, and if you're happy, you have to consider yourself lucky. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

chase you have great insight. We broke up for 5 weeks. He called me and said he missed me but the "staring at guys thing is eating him up and effecting me as well. We got back together but he says he needs to take it slow. He feels he was the hurt party and that he never felt I truly cared for him. It hurts me that he isn't staying over as much although he still comes over and stays one night instead of two. Says it isn't going to be the same - not cooking for me. He's making a stand. We talk daily. I try not to bring up the "issue". I feel as if he is punishing me. I feel I need to give him so much time lest this go on and on and on. He says he is trying. I can't figure out why he wanted to get back together. I get mixed messages from him. On one hand I think he loves me, and on the other, I don't. He never says he loves me but at one time "pre staring", he went out of his way to come here. Lives an hour away. I don't want to let go of him and he won't let go of me. What is going on here? I feel I do love him but where can he be coming from? He has had bad experiences with women: cheating on each other, dishonesty. Had a girlfriend a few yrs. ago but hasn't had many. I look forward to hearing from you.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
response to my reply
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

chase, pls. respond to the above. nancy

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Nan,

Give me about 10 min, Im typing out your answer

Chase
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Nan,

The scary thing as you've admitted in our other conversation is that there is no "issue", you've already said that you're positive that you're not staring at other men. So for him to continue to make an issue out of this non-issue makes no sense. There is absolutely no trust from him towards you. The fact that he feels aggrieved by this tells me that he is either not being honest and is using this as an excuse for something else, or that he is damaged emotionally, and will never be happy, no matter what you do.

His bad experiences with other women really have nothing to do with you, those were his experiences and his choices. I feel that if he needed an excuse to slow things down, he should have just said that instead of putting you through all of this unnecessary emotional drama and making you feel that this is somehow your fault. Perhaps he is seeing someone else, perhaps he was just scared that the two of you were getting to close, but there's a reason for this, and unfortunately you may never know exactly why he's acting this way. All you can do is give it a little more time. It's important that you do not accept responsibility for the "issue" as you said it's not true. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hi Nan,

I see you posted again, and that you haven't seen the response I posted yesterday (above)
Let me know if you want me to repost it or if you are able to read it.

Chase
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
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