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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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my husband and I married july 4th 2007, and he as been fridgid

Customer Question

my husband and I married july 4th 2007, and he as been fridgid since november 07... im not sure what to think about it as Its uslally the woman who is... He refuses marrige counsiling and states that once a month is fine, but when we do, its obvious he is forcing himself and it last for about 5 minutes, even affection from him feels forced... we have a good marriage on other things, but I am a sexually driven person who is Extremly attracted . He doesnt understand why I keep bothering him, I have asked him why does he feel this way, but he only comes up with the guilt trip, makeing me seem like a whore, and calling me childish.... Im fustrated, I asked him what I could possibly do to make myself more attractive, and he states that I am very attractive and that im exactly what he wants.... but as you see, there is a problem..... im fustrated....
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

Hi Jessica,


I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you. Has anything changed in your husband's life recently? Any problems at work? How was your sex life up until November 07? Were there any problems?



Customer: replied 8 years ago.
a very active sex life up to november 07, We have been living in the same roommate situation since we moved in together in may 06. He started a auto painting job at a chevrolet dealer in late november, and hes been doing well with that job. he is still currently there. we rarely see each other on most days and our days opff do not run into the other. I have a 4pm-1 am shift while he has a 7am-5pm shift, and on my lunch break I have lunch with him, when I get home he is asleep and when he wakes up, I am asleep. this has been going on for a few months now, since may 08(shift difference) and occasionally we have a day that does run into each others. I would naturally expect him to want to spend time alone, but he will run off and start a project, sharing only a few spoken words as he runs back & fourth on different projects.
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

Hi Jessica,


His reaction to your sexual overtures is somewhat disconcerting. Most men are not going to have a problem with their woman dressing up in something sexy for them. He is lashing out at you and distancing himself from you in order to avoid some deeper issue. He may have difficulty with intimacy, but it is strange that he suddenly stopped wanting sex after sleeping with you since '06. I can't know what exactly is motivating this change, but I would certainly be concerned if I were you. I wonder what happened when he started work at the chevy dealer...perhaps this problem is related to his work. I would suggest that you sit down with him and ask him to talk to you about what has changed since november 07. Tell him that you won't judge him for being honest but that you just want to understand because you feel like it is your fault. Help him to realize how guilty he makes you feel when he won't talk to you about his lack of interest in sex. I have a feeling he will react defensively if you attack him or accuse him. Be sweet and just let him know that you want to be there for him as his partner. He is likely experiencing a lot of shame and embarrassment about this. He may be too embarrassed to talk to you about this issue. If he won't talk to you, you might consider asking him to go see a therapist or maybe you could go to couples counseling.


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