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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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my girlfriend is a prior rape victim

Customer Question

2 years ago she was raped by a guy that she was seeing. and when she was a child she was molested. she told me when i first met her that it would take some time for her to open up sexually. and i pushed the issue, everytime me and her start getting close in the relationship she pretty much ends it. she tells me shes not ready and she blames it on what happened. i want to know how to help her. i love her so much and she deserves the world. i will def stop pressuring her with everything before i lose her for good
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
What are your ages?

Has she ever gotten therapy?

In what ways did you pressure her? What was her response?

Are you together now?

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i am 22 she is 25, we broke up 4 months after the relationshsip started because i acted like a jerk on new years eve. i got jealous about something and i blew it way out of proportion. we still hang out all of the time and i have been working on me for her. everytime we start getting close again something happens. we r so perfect together though everytime we go out people say how long have you guys been dating. then she goes we r not dating. just yesterday i told her i cant take the friend thing any more and she said she needs me in her life. so today ive been trying to repare what happened yesterday because i told her good bye for ever. she has not gotten councling but we just talked about her doing that. when we were dating at first she was active with me, then she stopped. i used to not understanding where she was coming from at the time start arguments about it. why wont you touch me this that that and this. i was just really immature. but she needs me and i want to help her. i love her so much
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
If you are serious about her, then I suggest that you look into getting her counseling/therapy as soon as possible. This is something that should have been done with the molestation, but was only compounded by the rape. These two things are horrible occurrences where she felt hopeless and probably even feared for her life. She needs to address these things and in a constructive healing way. She may do a really good job of hiding the pain and fear she probably experienced on a daily basis, and although she is trying, things will not work out between the two of you if you cannot control your frustration. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is sometimes damaged people get better, sometimes they don't. With support and love their chances are vastly improved. If you can't improve her situation, have the compassion to let it go, but if you decide to stay, know that she needs more help than you are capable of giving her. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
the other issue to is that she has been adopted. she was passed around from family to family so she has abandonment issus as well. i want to stick around to help her for the long haul and i am def going to help her get some help. before i was nieve to everything. but now ive been reading into it. she does need me. and even though she may not be ready for a relationship right now doesnt mean i should tun my back on her. which is what i did. yesterday she was talking to the councelor at her school and he advised her she needs to work on herself before she works on a relationship. she agreed with that. what set me off was just 2 days ago she tells me that we were working on us. i really love kate with all of my heart and ive never felt like this about a girl in my life. at one point she even engaged to a guy she dated for 3 years. he cheated on her right before their wedding. so she has had nothing but a run of bad luck with guys. maybe that is why i want her so bad. is because i know she desrves better and i want to be that man who is her rock
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Wow...thats a hard load to haul. My question is, would you be willing to sit back and let her take the sexual lead, even if it meant waiting 3 months? what about 8 months? What about a year? If so, she needs to know that....that you are willing to hold off on sex until she is more comfortable, and really mean it. This doesn't mean you can't be affectionate, as long as you are aware that affection doesn't have to lead to sex. Even agreeing to be friends for the moment isn't a bad thing if you really care about her. As long as you are 'friends' then you are around each other, getting to know each other, doing things together, and if it's really meant to be, it will be no matter what. Help her work on herself, allow her to work on herself, the better she gets, then the better a woman she can be for you, a better man you can be for her and it looks good for everyone. Patience will be key, and if you're ready for that, let her know that you're willing to be there for her in whatever way she needs you. No pressure, no jealousy, no arguing. Life can be beautiful, and not the horrors she has experienced. She will see that in time. I wish you the best of luck with everything and I'm always here if you need to talk more

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
omg please i am begging you for help right now, she told me that she is going to take my advice and leave me. he other day i told her it was all or nothing because i cant take looking at her with her not feeling the way that i do. she says she cant give me what i want right now, and she thinks its best if we stop seeing each other. ive been begging her. telling her i was wrong for what i said and that i didnt realize how much she meant to me. i cant lose this girl i dont want her to walk out of my life. i am 100 percent ready to be the man that she needs me to be. i have been reading for the past 3 days about people that went through what she went through. every case says the same thing she was telling me which i was ignoring. even if im not her boyfriend i want this girl in my life at least as a friend. i need to prove to her that i am ready and that she doesnt have to be afraid of me. please please please help me
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
First you have to be calm. It is human nature for someone to run from anything that pursues it too hard. Take a step back, and let her know that if she wants to be apart right now that is ok, but that you are not going to desert her as a friend. Tell her you never had to deal with someone who had been through this, and your anger at what had been done to her made you act a little crazy. Tell her that you've done research on these things and you think you see a little more clearly what she is going through, although you could never hope to know what she's feeling because it didn't happen to you. However you want to be supportive, and you don't want anything from her right now, except for her to allow you to be there to support her and be a friend to her.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thank you for your help so far, i sent her 1 final text saying that if she really wants me to leave her alone and be out of her life for the time being then i will respect her wishes and not pressure her. i told her to really think about everything and i told her i see things more clearly now more then ever. i told her if she text me that this is what she wants then i will stop pursuing her. if she does text me this then i will tell her that i will honor her wishes but i will also remind her that i am there for her if she needs it. im hurting so bad the pain is unreal. but at the same time i know she is dieing because im just another man who kind of did what everyone else has ever done to her. i know i am doing all the wrong things by begging and pleading well thats what i was doing. then i got a hold of myself and sent her that last text. i hope that i just didnt push her away to the point of no return this time. i think i may have. it does suck though because i do see everything more clearly. and i do know what to do. the last few times i said this ti her i knew nothing. but this time i do. any more advice would be great. now if i hit this accept button do i get charged 15 bucks for each response? or just once for the entire conversastion? look i know you dont know me but i have noone and i really mean that.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
I'm glad that I can be here for you, it makes me feel good to know that you can talk to me. There are a lot of people who have no one, so i do know how you feel, and anytime you want to talk you can always ask for me by name, just put 'for ms chase' in the subject line. You are only charged for each time you click accept, not for each response. If responses go on for a long time, some customers may accept more than once, but you won't be charged more than once with once click.

The very best thing right now is to remove the pressure, your text to her was a good one, and like you said, simply remind her that you are there as a friend, but of course only if you really mean that. Sure you made a mistake, and sometimes we make mistakes that we can't fix, but I'm not sure that this is one of those situations. Don't give up just yet. Just be calm and patient, she needs to know that someone will be there with no pressure.

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i will keep you updated as soon as i get the response from her i will let you know
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i have not recieved a response from the text message that i sent her earlier. i sent the text at 1:30 its not 8:30. i was talking to my sister who is also a friend of kates. my sister said i need to let her go and if it meant to be then she will come back. my sister knows her issues and said that its not that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with any not just me but not with anyone. i know she cares for me she is just hurt and scared to trust or bond with anyone. i dont know what to do. i dont even want her as a girl friend at this point. i think if i can get her back just as a friend it will take probally 6 months to a year at least before it goes any further then friendship. it may take even longer. but i am willing to work for it. she needs to see me go a long period of time where i dont pressure her at all. she needs to see that im safe to be with and she has nothing at all to fear. is any of what im saying true? or am i just rambling on right now? i know she needs to see a man not a little boy. she needs to see a strong rock becase it is what she needs. im so afraid that this time is the time i ruined it forever. i give you my word im ready to do what ever i can i just need some help. or should i just let her go for now. and maybe try and contact her in a month or so. should i give her time to cool off for a month? is that to long? too short? or should i throw in the towel? i never want to hurt this girl again.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
I think you should give it about a week. Then send her a text and say something to the effect, "I just wanted to say hello and I hope you are having a beautiful day" and see if she responds. If not, thats ok. Wait a few days and maybe send her a bunch of daisy's with a note that says "to brighten your day". If she doesn't respond, wait another week. Eventually, if she has feelings toward you, she will see that you're not trying to pressure her and that you truly want to be her friend.

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
ok ill try to do that, so no matter how hard this gets i will refuse to text her at least for a week from today. i will do everything in my power not to text her or see her. now what if she text me? or ask me to talk? i have a book that she gave me about rape vicitms and i got a feeling she is going to ask for it back. should i give the book back to my sister to give to kate. or should i take it to kate. i have a feeling though if she ask for the book she will probally tell me to just leave it in her mail box. ty so much for all of your help it is good to know that there is still good people out there in the world
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
hey just wanted to give you a little update on whats going on. last night i went over my sisters house to visit her and i took some bufddies over there. now kate and my sister are semi freinds and kate lives right across the street from my sister. when i got to my sisters house kate was just leaving she was getting her kitty kenel from my sister to take her cat to the vet today. i casually said hey kate she said hey back and that was it. i proceeded inside my sisters house and had a good time with my friends. my sister invited kate over last night and kate declined saying no thanks. any who i still havent texted her or got a response from the text message that i sent her. today i am work and my phone vibrates. its kate with a text message that say "so i took my cat to the vet and they wanted to sedate him to remove his claws i was like hell no" thats the text i get after what i text her yesterday? i waited about an hour and i text her back. we text each other a few times back and forward for about an hour then i stopped texting. in a few text she took some cracks at me calling me a dummy and a dumb ass they were like kiddie wacks though. what does this mean? i dont want to ask her if we r talking now or if she is still mad at me. i guess it is good that she text me. im not gonna text her or call her again until she contacts me first. is that a good idea?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
853 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues