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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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My friend and I have been friends for 20 years. There have

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My friend and I have been friends for 20 years. There have been times during the friendship where she would get upset w/me (usually over something I've said that she didn't like) and stop speaking to me (a year on one occasion). my friend and I talk to each other about things that go on in each other life's, but lately I noticed that whenever I shared a problem w/ her she would tell me how she would have handled it, what she would have done. No matter what my explaination for why I did it a certain way, her reply would be "well I would have done like this or that. I began to feel like I didn't want to talk to her about things because she was going to make me feel like I did it wrong or not good enough this caused me to feel bad about my descision and sometimes myself. I decieded to talk to her in a tackful way and tell her how this was making me feel. she asked me was I trying to change her. I explained the above. and once again she's not answering my calls. How should I handle this

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What are your ages?


-Are you saying she is not speaking to you again?

-Does her behavior upset you?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

I'm imbarrased to say that I'm 46 and she's 49


yes, I called her the next day after our conversation. I left her a message "hey girl, thaught you might be on the road ok by" it's be a week and I have not heard from her. normally we talk every day.


very much so


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I'm affraid to call her again because I feel that she will only avoid me like she has done in the past. Don't want to do that to myself


It seems as though your friend doesn't like to be criticized for anything but has no problem criticizing anyone else which is a double standard and that isn't what friendship is about it seems as though you are more of a friend to her than she is to you, she seems to have no problem just cutting you off and not contacting you at all until she is ready. It's important for you to tell her how she makes you feel when she just stops talking to you without a second thought and tell her that you thought you were better friends than that almost like sisters. If she doesn't answer your calls then maybe you should sit down and write her a long letter about the way she makes you feel and the way you hurt when you are arguing, in the letter ask her doesn't she even hurt to not talk to you for a long period of time or even a short period of time. Your friendship seems one sided with you making all of the effort and her just criticizing you for the choices you make. Tell her you would like for her to one time listen and not always give her opinion and that friendship is about listening and hearing and not always being judgmental. It's time for you to decide if she is worth the trouble anymore I know you've known her for many years and twenty years is a long time to be friends with someone but is she truly being a friend to you and is the friendship worth salvaging.


If you feel that it is worth it than you are going to have to set some ground rules and tell her you are not trying to change her but you would just like for her to listen one time and not have her tell you what you should have done. Maybe ask her to only give her opinion when you ask her for it but don't say it in a rude way to set her off. Ask her instead of running stay and talk it out with you and let you know if you hurt her feelings and that you won't know you did without her telling you how she feels and tell her the two of you have been friends for too long to just stop talking. Make the letter as long as you need it to be and at the end tell her she knows you are always there for her and will continue to do so and that you just want her to return the favor. Maybe you should think about inviting her to dinner or lunch sometime and tell her the ball is in her court when she is ready to talk you will be there.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX a decision to make



Try talking it out with her again and then if she doesn't come around then make a decision as to whether to keep trying or to give up on the friendship either way you have to let her know that you won't keep putting up with her dismissing you everytime she disagrees with you on something that is not what true friendship is all about and she has to know that, makes me wonder if she treats all of her friend this way or were you just the lucky one that she felt she could push over.

KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

kimberly I'm sorry for the trouble. Thanks for your advice. I decieded to let the friendship go. I realize that my exfreind actions is a form of bullying and a way to punish, and control me as well as teach me a lession when I don't say or do things her way. I did finally talk w/ her and she told me that I critisized her efforts to help me and that for the sake of friendship I should have not said anything, and that I was making a big thing out of nothing. for this she said that if I didn't call her she would not have ever called me. I tried to tell her that I respect her opinion, but I was feeling belittled when she would constanly say how she would have handled things if it was her. she was more concerned about her feelings. I felt that she would try to hurt me in the future by witholding her friendship or avoiding and rejecting me when she's uset w/ me so I told her that I was ending the frienship and ended the phone call. I'm ok w/ my decision. I don't have to hurt the way Iv'e hurt this last week as well as i did in the past




I'm sorry you felt that you had no choice but to end such a long friendship but I think the way the friend has treated you in the past and this past week shows that you may have made the correct decision, one day she will realize the friend she had in you and she will regret ever treating you this way. There is nothing worse or more hurtful than a selfish friend, it makes you feel like even when you have them you still feel alone, that is the worst feeling in the world. The phone call was just a testimonial of her actions she pretty much dismissed your feelings and went into her feelings and how you hurt them friends do not do that, friends listen to each other and do not dismiss each other. It was as if her feelings were more important than yours.


Make sure the next time you pick a friend that they listen to you as well as you listen to them and they give advice only when you ask for it. A true friend knows the boundaries and don't have to be reminded of them. Look for early signs so that you don't have to feel as though you wasted years on them like you did this friend. One day she will find herself alone and wonder why she got to this point.

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