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Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience:  USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
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I am 28 and havent been in many relationships, the longest

Resolved Question:

I am 28 and haven't been in many relationships, the longest lasting about 5 months. I don't have kids and prefer a guy who does not have kids. As far as what kind of guy, I am really not sure. I just want someone who is honest and shares at least some of the same interests as me, such as the fact that I like rock music. I also want someone who is taller than me. I am 5'10" and it hard to find someone who meets this requirement.   Where can I go to find "Mr. Right"?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 5 years ago.

Dear XXXXX,

 

Thank you very much for your question. I understand exactly where you are coming from. It is harder and harder today, to find someone just right.

 

can you tell me what you have done so far? I mean, have you for example, joined any on line dating sites?

 

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have joined an online dating site about a year ago. I am not one for clubs, etc. and live in a small college town. Going to clubs is pretty much all there is to do. I work and attend college.
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 5 years ago.

Dear XXXXX,

 

Thank you for your additional information,.

 

CAn you tell me this? which online dating site have you been a member of?

 

by the way....I do not view finding mates at clubs to be a valuable source, but only a very small part of a total picture. I want to give you advise that you have not tried, is why I am asking so many questions.

 

Also what is it you like to do? when you are not working or going to college?

 

I understand the need for privacy, but if you are comfortable with it, you can tell me your college, or the college town you are in.

 

 

 

 

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am a member of oksingles.com. I live in Stillwater, Oklahoma and attend Oklahoma State University. I am kind of a homebody. The town seems to be built for college age students; I am a little older than that. As far as interests, I like rick music and believe it or not I am a fan of professional wrestling. There's not much of a crowd for that around here. However, Tulsa and Oklahoma City are not far away.
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 5 years ago.

Dear XXXXX,

 

I understand. Thank you.

 

But first, I do not think you are that old, at age 28. That is very young. I actually earned by BS in psychology and sociology (yes double majors) form a traditional class room setting at age 51. (I am 58 now).

 

The single best way to meet someone who is just right is to do things you like to do, and meet someone who shares those interests. You do that by meeting people at events you like to do. If you like professional wrestling, then attend those events. If you can not get to those events, then pick similar ones. For example, I am sure the college has a wrestling team. So I would suggest attending those college wrestling matches.

 

I assume you mean by rick music, rock music. So you would attend rock music concerts.

 

But that is only two venues.

 

So you may have to create some additional interests and get out more. A home body for example, as you describe yourself, is not going to find someone at home. But perhaps you can meet someone by doing something that contributes to being a home body. For example: Attending home shows, Garden Shows, and taking cooking classes (not at a school, but in one of those classes given by kitchen supply stores, etc.)

 

If you liked poetry and reading, then going to autograph signing sessions, or lectures at book stores is helpful; as well as places where they do poetry readings, like boarders, for example.

 

If an activity does not exist for one of you interest, (and I am sure you have more than one interest), then you can start one yourself. You would be surprised for example, how a advertisement in the paper for poetry reading at the local library can generate interest and a lot of people showing up.

 

Finding the one, takes time, but if you have clear idea of who that is, then it will happen, eventually. ONe way to start is to sit down and make a list of who you really want. What is it you are looking for. Mr. Right needs to be more than 5 foot 10, dark, handsome, blue eyes, must like rock and professional wrestling.

 

Your list needs to be at least 12 and as many as 80 items.

 

You start such a list with what you know about your self. For example, your likes, and your desires, and what it is you know about your self that is hard to deal with.

 

You add to the list, the things in your past relationships that you did not like or contributed to the break ups. This takes introspection, and perhaps talking to friends, relatives or professionals about those relationships. Talk about them often, until you have extracted all that there is to learn about yourself in relationship and what contributed to the break up.

 

Now lets look at the demographic. You indicated that you were in a small college town, and the nearest big city influence was Oklahoma City.

 

During research of dating habits, I found that many people do not get out and simply walk: walking to the store, the local market, work, school, sunday morning walks are a thing of the past it seems. So a walk in the park can in fact create more opportunities to meet.

 

But in addition to that, we find as we age, that the number of available singles in our age group, at home dwindles. This means you have to expand the boarders of your search area. This is where the inherent dating sites come in. They allow you to expand your boarders.

 

So I recommend Match.com and eharmony.com and perfect match.com. eharmony and perfect match in particular have a process that actually requires you to think about who you are and what you are looking for, to pin down matches.

 

I was once a member of a Guild where we research and focus on personal development and we discovered something quite remarkable.

 

If a person changes the dating site profile slightly, they get a very different demographic response.

 

We also discovered that the main problem people have with dating relationships and picking Mr. or Ms right, is that there really are not enough dating experiences to let us know what we really want. We discovered it takes at least 80 (minimum) to get it right. Our extrapolations indicate, the divorce rate would be a lot less if people waited until they had at least 80 dating experiences. Even with persons who may have had as many as 110 dating experiences, they were prone to repeating errors in choices because they did not stoop to reflect about themselves. (externally controlled)

 

Here is how you can use the Internet dating sites to get Mr. Right.

 

 

The idea is to date as many people as you can, in rapid succession. And then to evaluate the experience with each. Then go back to your dating profile and make the appropriate changes.

 

In our project, we started out by the traditional method of man looking for woman, or woman looking for man, age range, height, looks, and personal habits, lies and dislikes. But we soon discovered that these characteristics and descriptions brought much failure. So we changed the approach to focus on what is important to us. Fore example: Male (or female), happy and satisfied, successful, seeking a person who is also happy and successful, who is.....

We also focuses on persons who had income, and education close to ours.

 

We found that it is better, for a person in your situation, to have as many "meet and greet" only dates every week or two for as long as a year. "Meet and Greet" dates are just that. Moments of time with someone, perhaps lunch only, perhaps coffee only, breakfast, etc. Can be Dutch treat. The sole goal is to meet and greet, establish rapport, and to find out if they would be a candidate for a future second date. The conditions of the date are:

 

  • 1. Honesty. They must know it is just a meet and greet, and there is no promise of a second date.
  • 2. No sex
  • 3. No second dates for two weeks.
  • 4. Can follow-up with a phone call in 72 hours to discuss the date or to plan a second meet and greet.
  • 5. No calling for second dates until you have had at least 16 meet and greets.

 

It is ok to have, and desirable to have, at least 2 meet and greets in a week. (4 is the max)

 

At the end of each meet and greet you need to discuss the date with someone...a friend, relative, or professional, to help sort out what you liked and did not like about it. At the end of a week of two, you can modify your profile accordingly.

 

An interesting thing begins to happen. As your profile changes, you start to attract people closer to what you are looking for. You are able to start seeing the detractors right away, and so you avoid wasting time pursuing those relationships that will end in a few short months. They become obvious to you in a moment.

 

Above all else, do not be in a hurry and get frustrated. Finding Mr. Right can take time. But when you do find him, then the waiting is worthwhile.

 

One final note: You need to make sure that you really want to be married. We found in working with singles, that very often, single people complain they cannot find Mr. or Ms. Right. But when we start talking about past relationships, we find that there were times that if they had wanted to be married, they would have. That deep down, they really did not really want to be married. You have to examine those past relationships, talking about them with someone, to find out the truth.

 

Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience: USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
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