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Ask Ms Chase Your Own Question

Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Customer Question

I HAVE A QUESTION REGARDING A SITUATION WITH A LONG TIME FRIEND. WHAT WOULD YOU ADVISE MY ACTION SHOULD BE IF YOU WERE IN MY PLACE. I HAVE BEEN A GOOD AND CLOSE FRIEND OF BONNIE FOR 35 YEARS. WE ARE BOTH IN OUR EARLY 60'S AND YOUTHFUL...BUT NOT IMATURE. RECENTLY BONNIE NEEDS SOME WORK DONE AT HER HOME SOME MILES FROM WHERE I HAVE MY HOME. BONNIE IS IN SOMEWHAT FRAIL HEALTH. THREE YEARS AGO WE DID A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT AT A HOSPITAL NEAR HER HOME THAT WAS VERY SUCCESSFUL. I LOVE BONNIE AND AM OVERJOYED THAT I WAS ABLE TO DO THIS.) HER HEALTH PROBLEMS HAVE TAKEN A TOLL BUT I VERY HEALTY AND STRONG...SO I TOLD HER MY SON AND I WOULD COME DOWN AND DO THE WORK SHE NEEDED DONE ...MY SON AND I AGREED ON THIS. (HE HAS KNOWN BONNIE SINCE A CHILD) THE WORK SHE NEEDED DONE WAS PHYICALLY DIFFICULT, A LITTLE DANGEROUS AND REQUIRED SPECIAL TOOLS AND SKILLS WHICH WE HAVE (SHE NEEDS SOME VERY LARGE TREES REMOVED AND/OR TRIMMED ON HER RIVER PROPERTY AND A OLD GARAGE JACKED UP) MY SON BELIEVED WE would need another person for this project and contacted Jim...yes Bonnie knows Jim. He is experienced and skilled. We planned a schdule. My son and I live in the same town but Jim and Bonnie live in other states so a travel plan is necessary. A few days ago Bonnie objects to Jim coming with us No logical reason other than she "just doesn't care for him". objections...on the phone..she has become very mean spirited but persistant about. Jim has a very unintrusive personality, a very kind man. He was supportive and helpful during a very difficult time of my live some years ago. He and I are very close friends but not "intimate" in the physical sense ( any longer).We would be staying at her home but are not askng for any recompense for the 300 mile trip or the work and are taking time out and off to do this. My son is astonished and will not do the job without Jim's help and suggest we cancel the trip. Jim has a very unintrusive personality, a kind man. He has been very supportive and helpful through a period of troubeled times for me. Bonnie can be manipulative and controlling and rather bossy. Not much of a sense of humor ..never much of a comfort and will complicate the most simple sitiation. I am still suffering ( not a very good word) from unnecessary complications and consequenses during the year I was preparing and testing for the kidney donor operation. I value both of these relationships. I am stunned by Bonnies actions. She just called and left of a message for me to call and I don't want to hear any more of it. What can I say...what should I do? I would like to treat this with a little bit of seems so foolish to be acting like this...and spending time argueing this point. I know my response is needed and I don't want a negative effect on our friendship.

Your suggestion?


Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

This is a very hard situation she's put you in. I might say something like "Bonnie, my son and I would love to come and do this work for you, but with my health, there's no way we can do this without Jim. He's got the experience, and I trust him. If you don't want him to come, I can't see how we can get this done, but what I'll do is I'll help you make phone calls to some local handymen and see if we can get it done that way, ok?"

If she starts to interrupt you, gently ask her to let you finish. Once she realizes that you aren't going to come without Jim, then she will have to make a decision. You no longer have to make a decision because its either Jim comes or she has to pay someone to get it done. What do you think?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Please reread the original script.

This answer does not address the question and is not satisfactory.

I am not so sure how "hard" this situation is. I believe it is more "sensitive" then it is "hard". I think the whole issue is ridiculous. I admit to being a little insensitive and hot headed...impulsive. I want to settle this issue not skip around and I would like to settle it with good humor, if possible. I think her objections are silly, unreasonable, unexplained, unbelievable and just plain stupid. It is a relationship problem with someone I love... Bonnie who often is manipulating and likes to think she is in control of a situation when all she is doing is making problems...that make it very difficult to give her the help she asks for.

I could tell her just that ...because it is the truth...and it would hurt and probably be the end of one of my longest friendships over something sooo old habit and silly. I would like a solution using a bit of levity but with some sensitivity. I would also like the solution to be a permanent one so that the next time she starts this kind of drama..she might think about it and maybe have a little laugh.

I need a "relationship" expert with a sense of humor that will re read my original script and understand the question or problem and it is not about Jim or getting the job done also you should understand that Bonnie is the one with the bad health ..I GAVE HER THE KIDNEY...I have always enjoyed great health so I cannot plead that excuse. We wouldn't have accepted the work if we couldn't get it done. The job is large and involves special skills and equipment that requires more than a handyman and is very costly. My sons and I own a company that does just these type of jobs. We taking the small crane with us and Jim...who used to work for the sons company. We also need a strong swimmer (in a wet suit and in the water)working the lead ropes (that would be me....wooo hooo see identity) and have arranged to have another diver from the area to stay in the water with me.I figure we will be 24 hrs in the water...and yes This is not a little favor involving pruning shears. This is a professional job done for someone I love because I can.

My question isn't about how to get the job done...or who we chose to do the job with. She is hot on the phone and I have my ideas how to respong but your;e the expert and I would like to hear your solution. Always good to have professional input.

The mermaid

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

I'm going to opt out and refer you to another of our experts. Thanks

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Thank you for the referral. When can I expect that and may I choose one?

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