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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I really like this guy, we talk all the time and hes the one

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I really like this guy, we talk all the time and he's the one person that I talk to about a lot of stuff not even my mom knows.

About half a year of our friendship he found out I liked him which shocked him completely. He assumed I was asexual and had no interest in him, but it was since I was very hurt and have issues from the past.
I had to talk to him and tell him how I feel which was hard for me since I've not been in that situation before and he was really shocked cause he never heard me say such words, even though he kinda expected more he knew how hard it was for me to say even that much.
1/2 year later
I have a feeling he's starting to like me too cause he said (when he had a weird dream about me) that he had all sorts of emotions towards me up to then but not the physical kind, so obviously he started to think about me as more than a friend and now that came up as well.
I want to be able to talk to him, I want it to be easy but the right words don't come to mind.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long all total of you been friends?

 

-So you tell him even your deepest secrets?

 

- You have told him you liked him?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I'm 19 and he's 20 (1.5 years older than me)

 

We have been friends for something over a year. We talk all the time like at least once a day 98% of the time. Well most secrets come out eventually, I think I said everything, I told him stuff I don't tell my mom nor my sisters so that can show you at what level

I am with him and he talks with me too.

 

Well at that time we had somewhat of a discussion and it ended up with him asking so who do you like? and I had to tell him. Which is how he found out, I doubt I'd have the guts to just tell him.

 

I have a lot of past issues from the past that keep me kind of closed up like some horrible stuff that happened mostly regarding friendships, every relationship ended bad and I havent dated for the past four years because of one and I had certain things happen to me when I was younger. So I have major trust issues, though I feel like I tust him a lot, the words just can't seem to come to mind when I have to talk about how I feel...

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

May I ask you one more questions:

 

-What happened when you were younger?

 

-Were you molested? If so, was it by someone you trusted?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I was around 12 and at the beach alone and some guy kept running along the beach, to cut the story short I ended up walking with him to find some cat he keeps feeding every day (my weak spot, animals) and we ended up sitting down, and he didn't exactly rape me but something else... (I'll just say it was facial cause I don't know the correct terminology here). and another 2 times I almost got raped but thankfully nothing happened.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Thank you for answering the last few questions for me I'm sure it was not easy to bring yourself to say that to me. Those are very traumatic things to happen to someone so young and your courage is very evident but maybe you should have sought counseling for those traumatic events it is too much for one person to handle though you have done a great job so far it is now affecting how you view relationships. This is why you are finding it so hard to tell him that you like him because you are afraid of possibly being rejected and also it may be that the whole relationship and intimate relationship is what really scares you. It sounds like you totally trust him with your secrets and feelings so think about maybe just being honest one day and throwing caution to the wind. Though there are several things to consider when you are thinking about telling someone how you feel. You should make sure he is available first. It seems as though you are a private person if openly talking about your feelings is not your style, maybe a letter or an email would be better. Some people express themselves better in a letter than talking in person. I think he already feels a romantic connect with you but is waiting for you to be ready which shows that he respect everything you have been through and is willing to wait for you to be ready. This is the kind of guy you should date one that is willing to take the good with the bad and be patient enough for you to be ready for intimacy without pressuring you to do so.

 

Make sure that when the time comes for you to tell him how you feel that you are truly ready to give yourself to him and if you are not ready then wait until you are he sounds as if he is a great guy that will be willing to wait for you to be ready. If you feel you can tell him in person just open yourself to the possibility that he could be the one for you and will be patient with you and help you to work through any issues you have with the past. That is very important right now that you find someone that will be understanding. Every sexual experience you have had has been negative so in order to have a healthy relationship counseling may help you to come to grips with what has happened to you and realize that it wasn't your fault it was the minds of some very sick individuals and that you were an innocent victim. Don't blame yourself for the things that happened and you need to realize that you do deserve to be in a happy and healthy relationship.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Good advice but how do I talk to him? It's easy to just go hey, I want to talk about how I feel, and he'd be more than willing to go and do that but I wouldn't know where to start from.

I can't think of the words to describe how I feel, and I don't want him thinking something like oh she can't think of what to say so she doesn't feel anything. Which is not true, an dhe probably knows it, just my mind coming up with the worst possible scenarios...

 

It's as if some people have a converter built into them to automatically convert feelings into words, well it's missing here. Am I not ready? Is that why it's not coming to me? I feel like I am and that I want to move on, I'm tired of being alone, but how does it just come naturally to some people to describe how they feel?

 

It took me like an hour to come up with a couple of sentences the first time we talked about it... and I still wasn't sure whether it was my true feelings... Well I guess it was but not exactly the perfect words... How do I make it easier? Or does it just have to come naturally at some point?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Most relationships it comes naturally but with your past experiences it has instilled some fear in you that makes you insecure about telling a guy your intimate feelings and telling him you want to date him. I think you should sit down and write your feelings this will give you time to think about what you want to say but you should make sure it's heartfelt and honest because he knows how you word things and if you copy it from something he will know that it isn't really your words and it won't mean as much to him. Word it in a way that he knows what you mean when you he reads it like " I've been thinking alot lately about how much I care about you and it's hard for me to tell you so I decided to write in a letter. You have been a great friend and a confidant but I feel such a connect with you that I have never felt with anyone before and I would like to see if this relationship can go in a more serious direction." Something to that affect tell him that you feel you are ready to start a relationship and you want a relationship with him. Like you said you think he feels the same way and if he hears it from you then he will know that you are finally ready. I don't think that you are not ready I just think that you have never felt this way about anyone before and that is why the words are not coming to you because your feelings are much deeper than you can ever express and maybe you could include that in your letter tell him that you have never felt these feelings before and that is why you are finding it much harder to express the way you feel. Just make sure it is your honest feelings and your words.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi, you sent me an e-mail once, reminding me to ask for more help if I need any, when I saw your e-mail it was like a reminder to talk to him, I said, I'm not gonna get more help, I'm gonna face my problem myself, and I talked to him. He was in shock that I still like him and he thought (because I didn't say anything) that I simply just stopped.

Here's what he said when I brought the I like you conversation up:

i don't quite understand
what you're trying to say
but i assumed whatever feelings you ever had for me are long gone
you never put yourself out there almost since we've been talking
and you never gave a chance to any chemistry of emotions to pass between us
you didn't want to get hurt i understand that
but the way you've handled it messed up most of the chances for something romantic to evolve
and now aswell you couldn't express how you feel and let me guess
i understand your trauma from previous relationships
and i feel sympathy and i can relate
but still.. if you don't let a long friendship like ours have a hint of any of those things that involve romantic interest and those type of emotions
how can anything happen..
are you thinking about something to say
did i say something so insulting
i'm honestly talking about it with you even though you tend to avoid these type of things
i know you're probably having a total panic attack when you start expressing how you really feel

So I think I said a little bit then and he said he had to go and to write when I feel I can and I wrote some 3 massive paragraphs of crap and sent it to him.

The next time we talked he went on about some dream he had about me (involving sex, and it's not the first time it's happened, maybe 3 in total) and we didn't discuss what I said then but later that day we did and he said this:

hey
i know it was very difficult for you to share so much
probably took alot out you
but at the same time the way you handled it from the beginning sort of makes it feel like too little too late
i can't quite explain how handling it differently would make things different
but its just that every little moment where an emotion could occur was blocked
and you clearly felt different inside
how you felt about me
avi tez: but
i don't know
one of the most complicated things to explain i ever had
i know you have your reasons from past relationship to be afraid to do so
but its just too little too late now so it seems
you let our interaction be a certain way probably because of the same reasons that you actually felt something real
you felt different inside but the relationship stayed the same
its been so long now and i just dont know how im suposed to develop such changes now
even if i think you're awesome
honestly i feel like if you handled it differently
maybe there would have been a chance
for us
because i really liked you even leading to that same feeling
but i don't think you're emotionally able to put yourself out there enough to let me ever feel the same way as you do
that's what happend up until now
and that's why i can't really change that
even though you're one of the cutest people i know and you're intelligent
and i like most of your qualities
unless you fix those problems neither i or anyone else you ever like will be able to enjoy you in the same way you do them
i don't know maybe something will change in the future
but right now i don't feel like i can force anything
i don't expect you to wait patiently
if you like someone else you should try it
thats all i have to say
i hope i didnt say anything that really hurt you
my intentions are quite good.. i care for you alot
you have yet to respond in any way
thats not good
maybe you just need time to digest

Well I think I took 30 minutes to respond there which really screwed things up and he just said don't shut down and it's ok and then the conversation ended.

We haven't talked much after, he had his own stuff going on so it was less and now I'm trying to think of stuff to do or say, it's a slim chance and I want to take it. When we talk I find it hard most of the time since our conversations are geared in a certain way (and I'm anyway not used to talking about how I feel and not used to any of this, probably the most apathetic person you will ever meet) and it's just weird in the middle of a conversation about random things to jump to something about how I feel. I don't know how those other women do it! At the end of our conversation the other day I told him how it was awesome and I started posting on his profile online how awesome he is and hearts and some stuff I know most women do, and like thanks for caring and so on, well it's two posts from the last two days, I need to come up with stuff every day, this one girl that likes him too (she even did a tattoo of him, how insane is that?) Well I want to be better than her (even though I'm sure he doesn't want her, I feel like it's competition) but I don't know how she's able to just say stuff so freely, I can't do that it's hard for me and I wish it wasn't. and I can't say I love you the way she does, it's something I said once and I told myself the next time I'm gonna say it I need to know the other person feels something towards me, and so that's another problem I guess. She says it's like it's hey! and it's annoying me! Sorry for writing so much it's just that I'm trying my hardest to improve and fix my situation so that we can work things out but I'm afraid I'm gonna screw it up by ending up not saying anything, I feel it's gonna just get less and less and then back to the beginning where I don't say anything and I don't want that. I wish I could come up with new things all the time, instead of saying the same old stuff, I have the same nickname for him for so long cause it's something he told me he liked and I feel like he's gotten tired of it, the excitement isn't the same and I just can't think of things. Once again sorry for writing so much I'm just really lost right now, I have a slim chance and want to be able to take it!!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well we talked just now, so thought I'd update you

it seems like you're in a hurry to express some feeling because of certain people on my facebook
which seem to fight against you with the comments

Me: Well it's not really about those people, you said I had a slim chance and I don't want to lose it and go back to my usual self where I don't express anything

you're practically my best friend.. at one point i felt more but now i don't want to give you false hopes

Me: Well it is kind of annoying knowing that you talk to women that can express themselfs freely and I can't, even though you say they're annoying I just can't help being annoyed by it, since it's something I'm unable to do.

i understand
i just cant promise that ill feel that way towards you again
the worst is that i dont want you to ever end up hating me
i dont want to explain how it could have been different because there's nothing you can do about the past
id wish i have the same feelings for you again
since you're so awesome
but i guess i cant force it
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

If you try over time to show him that you will work on expressing yourself and letting him in more it may give you more of a chance but with everything it takes time. If anything he will appreciate the effort that you give. I would suggest to you to continue to work on opening up to him and telling him your inner most feelings. He sounds more frustrated than anything, he seems like he is afraid to give you another chance because he may think that he will get more of the same. He needs to know that you care about him and are willing to change, that is something you are gong to have to prove to him. What is good about everything is he said you have a slim chance and that means that you at least have to slim chance to prove to him that you are worth another chance, so continue to communicate with him and tell him how you are feeling he will come around eventually.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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