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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Hello, I wold like some help getting my wife back. She left

Customer Question

Hello, I wold like some help getting my wife back. She left over a month ago. Saying that she just did not want to do it anymore. Se still tells me she loves me, but I feal as though it's just her saying things. I really need some help. We have been married for three years and never thought that things would end up like this.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-Were you not getting alone?

 

-What caused her to leave abruptly?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I am 28 and she is 31. about a month ago she told me that she wanted to give up and was not sure if she wanted to be married anymore. We got married at a year. We fell hard and fast for each other. She is currently staying at a apartment house sitting for one of her bosses and has been there for a month. I have also not been totally emotionally there for her in the past, but with this I am ready to be a better person and make some changes to better improve our marriage. She is being very cold and distant and really just wants to give up. I have told her that I think that it is worth the time and dedication to make things work and have been totally committed to it. We have seen a counselor three times over the past few weeks, but I feel as though it a waste of time because she has emotionally checked out. I want her in my life more than anything and I am ready to be a better person. We never really argued, I was always supportive to her and never hurt her on purpose. I have asked her to open her heart just a little and see where things can go and she keeps going back and fourth on what she wants to do. One minute she says that she will give it some time and another she just wants to end it. This is that last thing that I want. I don't know what to do next. I have asked her to stay at the house at least a few nights a week with me to work on this, but she has not done so. I think that it is hard to mend anything if she will not come around. She has assured me that there is not another person and that is the last thing she wants right now. All I want is just a little bit of her heart to open up and just see that things are not worth just throwing out the window. Thank you for your help and if you need anything else please let me know.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

 

I think you and your wife should have stayed in counseling you got a false sense that the counseling wasn't working only after a few weeks it could take months or even a year or so to work through your marriage many couples make the mistake of thinking the counselor should be a miracle working and have your marriage back on track in a week or so and it just doesn't work like that. You have tried reasoning with your wife to come back and it's not working it only makes her more confused and distant. This is the steps you are going to have to take to get her back first you have to realize the reason and the issues that made her leave understanding the actions that lead up to the separation.

 

Communication is a must when it comes to maintaining a healthy marriage if you weren't communicating this could have been part of the problem learn to say your feelings no matter what those feelings are. When talking to your wife always be sure and listen without responding while she is talking to you. A good practice is to listen, then repeat back to your spouse to confirm what you've heard like " I understand that you are saying this and this and that and then repeat what she said so that she knows you heard her. Also allow the past to be just that the past don't harp on past mistakes unless your wife wants to talk about it if you bring up the past that will only make her angry again. Also admit your mistakes and tell her you will try harder to be emotionally there for her and that you are human and will make mistakes but will try to learn from them.

 

I suggest to try the counseling again and stick with it for at least 6 months to a year or until you actually see progress. If you give up it makes her want to give up also. What your wife may need right now is space and time to figure out what she really wants but tell her you will be there waiting because you love her and want your marriage to work. The counselor can help your wife figure out what made her leave and then you can work on those issues first you both have tired making the marriage work on your own it may be time to get outside help from someone that will be able to stay neutral and give and objective opinions and suggestion as to how to make your marriage healthier and stronger. Just think about continuing the counseling.

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