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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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i have been wih my boyfriend 14 months. he lied to me about

Customer Question

i have been wih my boyfriend 14 months. he lied to me about talking to other girls behind my back and i have found pictures of other girls on his laptop. i give him every opportunity to tell me the truth but he lies. he has gone off sex and almost all contact with me and is like he cant even be bothered to see me. he says he loves me and i have given him every chance to walk away from the relationship but he chooses not to every time. i dont know what to do any more i really love him but i dont trust him and it upsets me all the time
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What are your ages?


-Are they picture of girls online or girls he actually knows?


-Is this a committed relationdship?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
im 18 and he has just turned 22
they are pictures of girls he speaks to online as faras i know he hasnt met any of them. there was a picture of a girl in her underwear but he claimes he has nothing to do with it and that his friends or younger brother could. he has admited now to talking to girls but said it was nothing bad and wasnt flirting i jst dont understand why he lied about it at first also he had another email address and the pasword was his exs name he wouldnt tell me the pasword when i know them for everything else and i eventualy guesed it. i feel bad for going behind his back but i feel if i dont he will continue to lie to me and i wont find anything out
i think its commited i would never do anything behind his back i dont know why things have gone bad we use to be amazing together and like best friends aswell we could tell each other anything and i trusted him with my life. we were friends for 8 months before we got together and were perfect together until about 5 months ago we have had sex about 4 times since then when we use to all the time.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


You need to tell your boyfriend your concerns especially about the lack of sex lately, ask him if you are not enough anymore. Tell him you feel as though things have changed and not for the better. You may want to tell him that you got into his email and ask him about all of the girls but if you feel that will create another riff between the two of you then don't tell him but if you do not tell him about it that will make you no better than his lies. Trust and communication and sex are a necessity in a relationship and it doesn't seem like you have any of those right now and something has to change or else the relationship is in major jeopardy and won't last much longer. Tell him you want to trust him but with everything you've found out he is making it very hard to do that. There has to be something going on that your sex life has dwindled a bit it could be because he may be finding other means online, like porn or cyber and you won't really know that unless he is honest with you about that.


If you can not get him to tell you anything and be honest with you that may mean you need to give him an ultimatum and stick by that ultimatum so that he knows you're serious and mean what you say, he has to know that you are fed up with the way things have been between the two of an d can't take much more.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
he knows i found out about the girls and that i have been on his other email i told him thats when he said that he had spoke to other girls but said that it was not in any way bad. i dont understand if i am not good enough that he has to flirt with other girls and look at their pictured why is he still with me. i askd him this and he said i am good enough he hasnt gone to other girls and that if he didnt want to be with me then he wouldnt be and he loves me. i just dont understand. he said i have become obsesive but i cant see how we see/speak to each other less now than we ever have before. i have tried talking to him about it and he just gets mad tells me im being paranoyed and that i need to chill out. but i know for a fact that if i spoke to a boy he would go mad. i told him i had seen my friend who i have grown up with since we were babies, he had just come back from afganistan with the army and my boyfriend said that i neednt bother speaking to him agen and got all angry with me for speaking to him i have known him 18 years he is more like my brother than anything else
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


If he expects you to respect him and not talk to other men then he has to have respect for you also and stop talking to other females he can not be a hypocrite and tell you what to do and then tell you that you are being possessive when you give him the same treatment. If you do not have concrete proof that he is doing anything else other than just talking to these female the only choice you have until he gives you reason to doubt him is being just friends with these girls you have to trust him and show him that you trust him. If you didn't read anything inappropriate then you have to believe that he is being honorable. If he will not change his ways as far as all the other females are concerned then you may have to rethink if you want to be in a relationship with him it's not fair for him to tell you stop talking to someone you have known for so long and is like a brother to you but I think he may have issue with the fact that he is not related to you and he is of the opposite sex, either way with all of the females he talks to he should not have a problem with someone that is like family to you.


Tell him he says he loves you then he has to start showing you through his actions and having respect that he is with you and not talk to so many females when he has you. Tell him you need to feel wanted and needed by him and that sex is important part of that need.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
i know at first i use to get really worried that he was going to leave me bt he didnt he stuck around and we were/are amazing its just all this i dont know what to do/think. i have told him i want to be able 2 trust him and that i h8 all this. he does music as a hobby and is quite well known for it around hear. he has been asked to go on tour around the uk supporting a big US hip hop group. i am really worried that he might get up to something while he is away, i dont know weather he will as his brother and best friend who get on with really well are going to but if he does i wont ever know and i know he enjoys the attention. i cant go i have to work but also the dates are not for certain but it could be over my birthday he didnt even seem bothered.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Bring it to his attention that he will possibly be gone during you birthday he may not have remembered at the time but don't try to keep him from this it will make him resent you for not supporting his endeavors and you don't want yet another thing to come in between you. As far as trusting him when you get the urge to question him think about what he said about how he felt you were being possessive and ask yourself if you would want him to question you all the time for who you talk to that may help you to control that urge. You can not always worry about what he is doing when he is out promoting his hobby, he wants you to be supportive so try to be as support as you possibly can. If you continue to question him and not trust him it may push him to do something you do not want him to do.


Tell him calmly and openly that you love him and because he is so important to you, you are feeling anxiety or insecurity about the relationship, jealous feelings and jealousy can single handedly destroy an otherwise good or even great relationship. Several things you need to learn to do to help you trust him more:


* You may be feeling as if he may end up in the arms of someone else- if you do not control your jealousy you may just push him to that.


* You may have unresolved issues of past relationships where they have cheated or broken your heart and you are afraid that he will do the same.


* Your self esteem has been dented a little bit because of the lack of sex and you don't know if he finds you attractive anymore- if this is the case tell him how you feel and how is lack of sex has you feeling inadequate.

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