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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ive recently learned that my significant other has an acute

Resolved Question:

I've recently learned that my "significant other" has an acute passive/aggressive MO. Among other things - he blames me for all our difficulties. I would like to know in what way - as a participant in the relationship - would I be contributing in fact to the dysfunctions in our relationship - that I am not aware of.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: No answer yet.
I RECEIVED NO EMAIL AND NO ANSWER TO MY QUESTION
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Rba,

I apologze that you had to wait so long. Let me ask you a few questions

How did you learn this?

What kinds of difficulties are/have you gone through?

What are your ages?

How long have you been together?

Are you married? live together? have kids?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hello Ms Chase

Alan and I met over the Internet in 7/07. I was 78 - he was 72.

I became very interested in him mostly because of:

1) his high IQ (196 (!?) - he claimed),

2) his high appreciation of me (my intelligence, my multicultural backgroung, my successful past, etc)

3) he declared his love for me, and, turned out to be a great sex partner; he pressed for 24/7 - which I refused. We stayed often at each other's homes. He lives on SS ; I'm financially secure.

Within a month -- we began to clash big time. I was both fascinated as well as aware of the dysfunctional aspect of our clashes. But - I relished his Love and I continued to reciprocate. Never before in my life (2 marriages and several romances) did I ever have such an INTIMATE, INTENSE, RAW relationship with a man !

By Spring 2008 I realized we had no common basis of understanding reality - nor did we have a basis for communications; we weren't making any progress. By 4/2008 I gave up on the 'relationship' aspect.

We had many crisised, breakups and dramatic reunions. Eventually - my experience of stress and toxicity caused me to take a different look at this 'escapade'. I did some research; I learned he was manifesting every single symptom of a passive/aggressive personality, in addition to his addictive behavior from the past. It dawned on me that my mother was a P/A, and that I never really dealt with that deeply enough. I broke us up a week ago - after 14 months.

Now - I wonder --- what was my share in this ? Why did I stay so long ? IN WHAT WAY DID I COMPLEMENT HIS DISORDER ?

I do not regret anything: it was a GREAT LESSON to have at this point in my life ! Yet - how come I stayed so long, and so deep ? What personality traits fit so well with a P/A, and do I posses such traits ?

Thank you.

Rita

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Rita,

Thank you for that additional info. May I ask, what were some of the problems? what were some of the clashes about?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hello -- How come I was already charged for this before we've even arrived to any kind of an answer ?

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
You've not been charged, you placed a deposit. You only accept the answer once we're done.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Sorry -- but my Credit Card statement shows a charge as of 10/2/08 ... It's no big deal - I'm just pointing it out for the record ...

As to your request for describing clashes and problems - I'd have to write a book --lol

From my point of view: The only time we were happy and at peace was when he ran the show, and provided we engaged in small talk only. He showed a seeming disregard (and 'forgetfulness') of my preferences, and of my needs ('house rules' included) -- while repeatedly declaring that all he wanted was to "take care of me" 24/7. In actuality - he subtly obstructed all my initiatives; avoided addressing problems; there were no rational resolutions - only emotional; I couldn't count on having an intellectually honest discussion, except when he occasionally surprised me with a brilliant response. I alternated between a romantic state, and a state of frustration, exasperation and stress. Eventually - my stress showed up in physical symptoms - and I realized this must come to a stop.

His complaints were that I was a control freak, and that I had intimacy issues, and that I made him wrong non stop, and didn't accept him the way he was (true!) ... His version was: "Why can't we just love each other and hang out together...." - namely - he'd move in with me.

There were other aspects too, such as his mismanaged chronic leg pains, over medication, etc. The only thing I miss is his Love, and the happiness we felt in the first hours each time we got together. It's a week since we broke up for good.

Now what ? How come I stayed so long? What needs of mine did that nightmare satisfy ?

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Rba,

There could be a couple of reasons why you stayed with him, one of which could be wanting to control him and/or the situation, or to have the situation or person be the way you wanted them to be...this is what could have played off of his p/a, you would push, then he would push and pull. I'm not sure that he is so much passive aggressive as unwilling to open up and allow you to get close to him. When he felt like you were getting close or that he might start feeling something, he would shut down and push you away. Staying with him after the arguments, after the issues, after the problems, could be considered permissive....in that you permitted the behavior and rewarded it by returning and staying around. He can't be diagnosed on the basis of a few paragraphs, and neither can you. It could be perhaps that you did nothing to contribute to his behavior. As to why you stayed so long, that is a better question, and one that you can work through in therapy if that is something you feel you could do. I could talk to you more in detail about it as well if you wish. The important thing is that you were aware enough to walk away from a situation that wasn't healthy for you. Let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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