Hello Ms Chase
Alan and I met over the Internet in 7/07. I was 78 - he was 72.
I became very interested in him mostly because of:
1) his high IQ (196 (!?) - he claimed),
2) his high appreciation of me (my intelligence, my multicultural backgroung, my successful past, etc)
3) he declared his love for me, and, turned out to be a great sex partner; he pressed for 24/7 - which I refused. We stayed often at each other's homes. He lives on SS ; I'm financially secure.
Within a month -- we began to clash big time. I was both fascinated as well as aware of the dysfunctional aspect of our clashes. But - I relished his Love and I continued to reciprocate. Never before in my life (2 marriages and several romances) did I ever have such an INTIMATE, INTENSE, RAW relationship with a man !
By Spring 2008 I realized we had no common basis of understanding reality - nor did we have a basis for communications; we weren't making any progress. By 4/2008 I gave up on the 'relationship' aspect.
We had many crisised, breakups and dramatic reunions. Eventually - my experience of stress and toxicity caused me to take a different look at this 'escapade'. I did some research; I learned he was manifesting every single symptom of a passive/aggressive personality, in addition to his addictive behavior from the past. It dawned on me that my mother was a P/A, and that I never really dealt with that deeply enough. I broke us up a week ago - after 14 months.
Now - I wonder --- what was my share in this ? Why did I stay so long ? IN WHAT WAY DID I COMPLEMENT HIS DISORDER ?
I do not regret anything: it was a GREAT LESSON to have at this point in my life ! Yet - how come I stayed so long, and so deep ? What personality traits fit so well with a P/A, and do I posses such traits ?
Hello -- How come I was already charged for this before we've even arrived to any kind of an answer ?
Sorry -- but my Credit Card statement shows a charge as of 10/2/08 ... It's no big deal - I'm just pointing it out for the record ...
As to your request for describing clashes and problems - I'd have to write a book --lol
From my point of view: The only time we were happy and at peace was when he ran the show, and provided we engaged in small talk only. He showed a seeming disregard (and 'forgetfulness') of my preferences, and of my needs ('house rules' included) -- while repeatedly declaring that all he wanted was to "take care of me" 24/7. In actuality - he subtly obstructed all my initiatives; avoided addressing problems; there were no rational resolutions - only emotional; I couldn't count on having an intellectually honest discussion, except when he occasionally surprised me with a brilliant response. I alternated between a romantic state, and a state of frustration, exasperation and stress. Eventually - my stress showed up in physical symptoms - and I realized this must come to a stop.
His complaints were that I was a control freak, and that I had intimacy issues, and that I made him wrong non stop, and didn't accept him the way he was (true!) ... His version was: "Why can't we just love each other and hang out together...." - namely - he'd move in with me.
There were other aspects too, such as his mismanaged chronic leg pains, over medication, etc. The only thing I miss is his Love, and the happiness we felt in the first hours each time we got together. It's a week since we broke up for good.
Now what ? How come I stayed so long? What needs of mine did that nightmare satisfy ?