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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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We met when she was on vacation in 2004, here in Honolulu.

Customer Question

We met when she was on vacation in 2004, here in Honolulu. In person, I knew her for a few hours, then we chatted online a few weeks then things cut out. She thought I was just a typical guy looking for sex. In her words.. Anyway, it's now been 7 months that I've been talking to her, usually consisting of general conversation, short emails about 3-6 paragraphs, but there seems to be no... seriousness about it yet. It's conversations most friends would have... She lives in Japan, I live in Honolulu. She's Japanese, I'm white. Not that that should change anything, but I'll throw that out there. I've been loyal since talking with her, but I'm unsure if she has, being that the seriousness just isn't obvious in our conversations and I'm really unsure of where we stand, on a relationship level. I want to ask more personal questions but afraid she may take offense. And I want to know how she feels about the whole thing. What do you think would be the best way to approach her? I need to know.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello K4,

Is she planning on coming back?

you said you met her in 04, but you said its been 7 mos since you've been talking?

What are your ages?

Chase
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
The past few months we'd been planning a vacation for the end of October, for a period of 10 days or so. She's now mentioning that her wizdom teeth are coming in and will be getting a surgery on Oct 10th. She claims she wants to catch it early and does not want anything to jeopardize her perfect smile, which is very uncommon for Japanese people.

As far as her coming back here, I'm unsure. I did mention in the email I just sent to her, I had already planned on taking off from work, and since the trip would be postponed I'd come to visit her in Japan... The response I get from this should tell me a lot.

I met her in 2004. We hung out a few hours of the night, got along well and connected well. There was nothing intimate about this night, just hung out, took pictures, joked around. I took her back to her hotel since she was leaving the next morning and she gave me her email. Through email I continued talking with her, in about the same fashion as I do now, but that lasted for 3 weeks back then, then she became kind of worried claiming I was probably just some guy looking for sex, as most guys are.. In this case it was a different kind of attraction though, I liked her personality more as well as her physical attributes and style. She has the best of both worlds, which is very rare, and our steady communication is what hook me. I have never really had this type of connection before, or since I met her.

Anyway, I gave her some space and discontinued talking with her for a while, I figured I'd just let it go, but it has always bothered me, so I thought maybe I'd send her an email at some random point in time and see what her response was. To my surprise, and this being a few years later, her response was quite unordinary. It seems almost as if she had been waiting, and I had been waiting also... I later found out when her last relationship was, and that was a little over 4 years ago. As for details on that relationship, I don't know.

She is 29, turning 30 in Oct, and I am 22, turning 23 in Dec. A 7 year difference. This does not seem to be an issue though. Although, it did come as a shock to me when I found this out a couple months ago. I thought she was about 24-25.

Anymore details you need just let me know... This is not a typical case I'm sure...

Thanks!

Zane





Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hi Zane,

Thank you for that additional info. I would put a layer of question in between the questions you want to ask her. I would start out asking if she minds if you ask her some personal questions and you can ask some of the following

How does she get along with her family

Does she consider herself traditional or modern Japanese

Is marriage something she is considering, and if so, is she set on marrying someone Japanese or would she consider marrying outside of her race

Does she plan on staying in Japan her entire life, does she want to travel, would she consider living somewhere else

why did her relationship end

was he Japanese

why hasn't she been in a relationship since

has she thought about you

would she consider being more serious with you than friends

....

All of this may take a week or two to get out, you don't want to ask all of them at one time. It's important that you know these things.

You said that you've been talking like friends, but then you said I've been loyal since talking with her, but I'm unsure if she has, being that the seriousness just isn't obvious in our conversations and I'm really unsure of where we stand, on a relationship level.

How can you consider yourself to be 'loyal' to someone who is really an online friend and you don't know any more than that. Before you commit yourself to being 'loyal' to someone, you need to know where you stand. There's no point in being loyal to someone who is not aware of it, and may not be being loyal to you. Try to get the two of you on the same page...find out how she feels about it. Don't tell her you've been loyal to her, if she asks, just say you've been single and alone for that time, by choice. That you haven't found the right person yet.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase

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