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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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WHAT IS HIS MOTIVE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR

Customer Question

I BEEN LIVING WITH THIS GUY FOR 17 YEARS. I AM 37, HE IS 47. HE HAS A JANITORIAL COMPANY. SOME PEOPLE ARE CLAIMING, FOR EXAPLE MY DAD, THAT HE IS USING ME TO CLEAN BULDINGS. THE RENT AND FOOD COMES OUT OF MY CHECK.

WHEN HE WAS 11 YEARS OLD LIVING IN CHILE, HE FELT HE WAS NEVER GOING TO GET MARRIED. HE IS ENSECURED ABOUT "HIS LOOKS AND HEIGHT"

I ALREADY CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT THE MONEY, BUT HE "DOES NOT WANT TO TELL ME THE TRUTH OF WHY HE IS RIPPING ME OFF"

"I would like a psychology"theory on a motive for this type of behavior."

"HE CLAIMS HE RESPECTS WOMEN" HE DOES NOT WANT TO TAKE CARE OF ME IN THE RELATIONSHIP, AND HE NEVER GOT ANYTHING FOR FREE, THAT IS WHAT HE CLAIMS.

Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Hello miss,

To be clear, you work for his company, and you live together?

He pays you a check, like other employees, but you pay the rent and food for both of you?

What does he pay in the household?

How is he ripping you off?

Do you think he respects women?

How is the relationship otherwise?

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

WE LIVED TOGETHER FOR 17 YEARS, YES I WORK FOR HIS COMAPNY. HE PAYS FOR HIS CAR. I HAVE TO PAY THE RENT AND FOOD, FROM THE DEDUCTIONS HE MAKES. IN THE PAST I AM ONLY GETTING ABOUT $100. MONTHLY, VERY SMALL AMOUNTS OF POCKET MONEY.

 

HE HAS HIS OWN BANK ACCOUNT WHERE HE DEPOSITS THE CHECKS HE GETS FROM THE BUILDINGS.

 

WE ARE NOT HAVING ANY SEX SINCE 2001. OR LONGER

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I TRY TO FIGHT WITH HIM BECAUSE ABOUT THIS, HE GOT MAD AT ME ONE DAY AND THREW THE ROMOTE CONTROL AT THE WALL. MY UNCLE HAS AN IDEA OF WHAT IS GOING ON, LIVING IN MINNESOTA. MY UNCLE SAID THAT THIS GUY IS GOT MAD "BECAUSE I TOLD THE TRUTH"

 

HE IS PAYING SOME OF THE RENT, AND FOOD, PLUS GAS FOR HIS CAR.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ANYMORE, SINCE I TRY TO KEEP THE PEACE.THIS GUY IS GOING TO HAVE LIMITED DATING PARTNERS, IF HE KEEPS THIS BEHAVIOR ON. IN A COUPLE MORE YEARS HE IS GOING TO BE 5O YEARS OLD. WHO IS GOING DATE HIM IF HE WERE TO "GO BACK TO HIS COUNTRY OF CHILE?"
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Why do you stay with him?

What do you mean from the deductions he makes? He takes the rent and food from your check?

Why isn't he splitting the rent and food with you if he lives there? do you live in a house or an apartment? Who's name is XXXXX XXXXX?

Has he ever gotten physical with you?

Why do you deal with his behavior?

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

ORIGINIALLY IN 1991 I DID NOT HAVE A PLACE TO STAY. HE TAKES SOME OF THE MONEY FOR RENT AND FOOD FROM WHAT I EARN. WE ARE LIVING IN APARTMENT, YES WE GOTTEN PHYSICAL BUT, I HAD A FEELING ABOUT HIM FROM THE BEGINING. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT HIS FEELINGS ABOUT HIS LOOKS.

 

HE HAS LOOKED AT OTHER WOMEN IN THE PAST, GIVING THE IMPRESSION HE WANTS TO REPEAT THE SAME GAME.

 

I PUT WITH THE BEHAVIOR SINCE I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO, PLUS IN THE BEGINNING HE HAD ALREADY PLAN THIS

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I WAS NOT AWARE OF THE FULL STORY UNTIL 2000, WHEN ONE OF MY FRIENDS TOLD ME ABOUT WHAT IS DOING. SHE HAS KNOWN HIM SINCE 1991.

 

HE SAYS THAT HE WILL DESTROY THE BUSINESS IF I TRY TO GO AFTER HIS MONEY. I SHOULD BE GETTING AT LEAST $400 MONTHLY MY FRIEND SAYS.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
does he pay you by check or cash?

How much does is pay you an hour?

chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I AM SURE THAT THE AVERAGE PERSON, IS AWARE OF THEIR ACTIONS. IF I WAS DOING THIS TO SOMEBODY "I HAVE TO HAVE A MOTIVE BEHIND MY ACTIONS. IS HE TAKING REVENGE BECAUSE HE IS INSECURED?

 

SOMETIMES CHECKS, SOMETIMES CASH. I WOULD SAY ABOUT 2-3 DOLLARS AN HOUR. IT DEPENDS HOW MANY BUILDINGS HE HAS. PLUS MOST OF THE WORK WAS PART-TIME. HE CHOOSES HOW MUCH I GET PAID.

"HE SAYS THE ONLY PERSON THAT IS GOING TO LOVE HIM IS HIS MOM"

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I would like a reply please
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Hello,

I have to admit, im not really sure what to tell you because there are so many aspects of this that are so wrong.

1. It's possible that what he's paying you is illegal. Minimum wage in most states is at the least 5 or 6 dollars. You might want to see a lawyer about back pay he may owe you from all of these years.

2. It's not easy for me to understand why you would have stayed with him all of this time. thats a very long time to stay with someone who is treating you this way.

3. I would have to say that there could be many different motives for what he does, but most of what he does to you, is because you allow him to do it. Sure you could say he has anger towards women, but it could be that he just wanted someone he could use and abuse. if you haven't slept together since 2001, and he's still making you pay the bills....i just cant understand why you would deal with this.

4. If you have been with him by his side for this long, that should have shown him that you care about him, and if he says all that stuff about his mom loving him and all that other nonsense, then what are you doing all of these things for if you didn't care about him?

I think you are asking the wrong question....his motives don't matter, because he's doing what he wants to do which is making you pay all the bills, working for him like a slave for free, and never having sex with you. The question you should be asking yourself is, what are YOUR motives? Why do you stay with someone who treats you this way? You have given up too many years of your life to someone who obviously doesn't give a dam about you. Why?

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

HE CLAIMS HE DOES CARE ABOUT ME, BUT I THINK IN A ODD WAY.IF I WENT AFTER HIS MONEY HE TOLD ME HE WOULD DESTROY THE BUSINESS.

 

"I AM NOT PAYING ALL THE BILLS, HE TOLD ME THAT "ANYBODY THAT STAYS WITH HIM HAS TO HELP WITH SOME RENT" HE HAD A MALE FRIEND FROM EL SALVADOR, IF HE STAYS WITH US THE FRIEND HAS TO HELP WITH RENT. I AM GIVING YOU AN EXAMPLE HOW HE THINKS.

HIS "MOTHER" WAS BEATEN BY HER HUSBAND, I WONDER WHAT AFFECT IT HAS ON HIM RELATING TO ME" THE MOTHER PUT WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FOR 35 YEARS.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
of course the domestic violence could have had an affect, but it sounds to me like your situation is not good, and you are spending a lot of time worrying about him, but he's not worrying about you. Who looks out for you? He is not paying you enough money for the work that you are doing, the money he is paying you is slave wages, and at that cost,he shouldn't be expecting you to pay anything because he is keeping most of your money already. You have to decide and maybe talk to others about what is fair for the work you do. I don't think he would destroy his business, but even if he did, there is money that is owed to you. Sometimes we get so used to things being a certain way, that we don't see it as wrong, but you have to look out for yourself too. There can be so many reasons why he is the way he is, from his mom getting beaten, to anything that could have happened when he was small, but it's all excuses because he's a grown man now and needs to take responsibility for his actions and not punish others for his past.

chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

SEVERAL YEARS AGO, I MET THIS GUY IN LAS VEGAS BY COMPUTER, HE WANTED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND, "BUT HE DID NOT WANT TO GIVE UP HIS MONEY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. I LEFT WITHIN 2 MONTHS AFTER FINDING OUT HE HAS THINGS IN COMMON WITH THE ONE IN TEXAS.

 

I ASKING THIS QUESTION BECAUSE I NEED "WISDOM" ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIPS. I HOPE YOU WERE NOT OFFENED BY THEM.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
No dear, not at all, you are not offending me, and i don't mean to offend you. Part of the wisdom I can offer you is that you have to find out how you can take care of yourself and not depend on a man to take care of you. Figure out what kind of work you like to do, open a bank account and start saving some money, so that you can do things for yourself. First you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. You'll want a guy who wants to treat you well, not just gives you money....a man who gives you money will at some point expect to be able to control you because he's going to think that his money gives him that right.

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I WENT TO THIS WEBSITE CALLED THE ELDER WISDOM CIRCLE. THIS LADY TOLD ME THAT SHE KNOWS COUPLES, WHERE ONE OF THEM HAS MORE MONEY, WHICH THEY DO NOT SHARE WITH THE PARTNER. I AM GETTING DIFFERENT OPINIONS ON MY SITUATION.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
You are in a situation where you are working for someone who is grossly underpaying you. I don't know the minimum wage in your state, but I'm sure its almost double what he is giving you. He may even be breaking the law by doing this and could go to jail.

If you have your own money, and I don't mean what he's paying you, if he was paying you 5-7 dollars an hour, then you could pay SOME of the rent, and pay towards SOME of the food, and he pays some of the rent and some of the food, in other words you are together and sharing the bills and responsibilities. thats one thing, but he's taking advantage of you.

I do not know anyone, in a healthy relationship that does not share and care with their partner. If two partners do not share, then they are not in a healthy relationship in my opinion.

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

ONE LADY AT THE ELDER WISDOM CIRCLE WEBSITE, THAT SHE KNOWS SOME COUPLES, WHERE ONE PARTNER HAS MORE MONEY, AND DOES "NOT SHARE THE MONEY WITH THE OTHER. SHE WAS GIVING ME HER OPINION ABOUT MY SITUATION. SO I AM GETTING DIFFERENT VIEWS ABOUT THIS SITUATION.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
I understand you're getting different views, but a relationship is what you want it to be. Why would you get into a relationship where your partner will not share with you? I would rather be alone that to be with someone who did not feel that we could share our lives, money, etc. Its all a matter of choice.

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

HE SAYS HE DOES CARE ABOUT ME, AGAIN THOUGH HE HAS HIS ODD WAYS OF SHOWING IT. HIS MOM SAYS HE IS "HUMANITARIUM" I WONDER HOW SHE WOULD REACT IF TOLD HER WHAT IS GOING ON.

"HOW COME SHE DOES NOT KNOW HER SON WELL ENOUGH?"

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

i think is his "looks" to why he doing this. ORIGINALLY WHEN I MET HIM, HE DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH. HE USED LET ME GO OUT TO THE NIGHT CLUBS BY MYSELF. HE CANNOT JUST BE DOING JUST FOR NO REASON. MOST PEOPLE USUALLY HAVE "A REASON FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR. " HE LABELS HIMSELF "UGLY DUCKLING LAST YEAR.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

WITHIN THE FIRST 5 YEARS OF THE RELATIONSHIP, HE ASK ME WHY I DID NOT LIKE HIM ANYMORE. I DID NOT WANT TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH, I DID NOT WANT TO HURT HIS FEELINGS.

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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues