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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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My husband has moved in with his mistress about two months

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My husband has moved in with his mistress about two months ago and I want my marriage...he says he is do I get him back home? We have been married for 20 years, have three children and before I found out about the affair, he claimed to be in love with me and wanted me...I found out in June...he seemed to be confused about what he really wanted until a week ago...he told me he was ready to let me and the marriage go but we have still been intimate as recent as three days ago. I'm am crying all the time and asking I guess all the usual question which frustrate him more...he has suddenly stopped responding to me or even seeming to care but he tells me he does care and loves me more than I know but he is not going to tell me how much he loves me and he is not going to let the other woman go.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.


I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question.


Have you been having problems in your marriage up until this point?


How often do you have sex with your husband?


What is your motivation to hold onto this marriage?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

He has had several affairs during our marriage and I eventually had one of my own that he did not know about. He only know about it now because my gut told me he was seeing someone again and once I had proof he admitted it saying he was in love this time and would end it if we both came clean to which I agreed. After admitting my affair to him he totally went off and said he wasn't letting her go and became very hostile, disrespectful and purposely paying me back for doing what he had done to me for years. To answer your question...we had sex regularly and good sex. I loved everything about him except him not being faithful and not putting in a effort to provide for us to his full potential. He was a good father, friend, very accomodating besides what I had previously mentioned. I however was emotionally distant from him because I was tired of being hurt so anytime I felt I was getting too close I pulled back. He says he is not letting this woman go and is ready to let me and the marriage go...he told me this a week ago. Up until then he stated that he was confused about what he wanted to do but was not going to let her go. She was so bold as to contact me on my job in July. I found out about the affair in June...he claims she was feeling insecure about the way things were going and that is why she called me. I then tracked her down and contacted her husband but they apparently were already done with each but still living together at the time. She moved out shortly after and not after my husband began staying with her. He insist he is not living there because all of his things are still home. He comes by every few days to wash and get clothing for a few days.

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.



I'm going to be completely honest with you here and tell you what I am seeing in this dynamic. It sounds as though your husband is narcissistic (self-loving) and does not have the ability to put himself in your perspective. For example, he has cheated on you...but when you revealed you cheated on him, he acted as though you did something far worse than he did. This type of distortion is not uncommon in somone with a personality disorder. He is in complete denial about the meaning of his unfaithful behavior and refuses to let go of this woman b/c she is giving him the attention and admiration that he so desperately craves. He wants a woman to tell him how wonderful and terrific he is, and this woman on the side is fulfilling this need. As you said, you were having good sex, so this is not about acting out sexual frustration. Rather, he is trying to fill the emotional void with this other woman. It sounds as though your emotional distance contributed to his looking outside the marriage for intimacy. Nevertheless, it is absolutely never OK to cheat on your spouse. It will destroy the marriage. It will destroy what intimacy you had left. He feels completely disconnected from you and he feels safe with this other woman. He cheated on you first, which ultimately puts the blame on his shoulders, but the two of you have contributed to this mess you have now. In my opinion, it is very unlikely that you will be able to win your husband back. If you want to, I suggest you read a book called, "Love and Respect" and try to put some of that into action. At this point, he has cut himself off from you emotionally and will likely continue in the direction he is going. He is not a good and reliable man...he is a boy chasing after the love and appreciation he did not receive from mommy and daddy. Keep that in mind as you watch his selfish and self-centered behavior. Try reading the book though, it may be helpful for you.


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