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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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How to seek forgiveness

Customer Question

I really messed up. After three marriages that were mistakes but for beautiful children to show from them I found the woman who is my soulmate. He had a very traumatic childhood of abuse and relationships where she was used. I loved her but I did something huge. I didn't tell her is we still married to my last wife though I had started the divorce before we even started dating. We lived together for about 1 year then got married and I filed for divorce after 7 or 8 months. The divorce has been going on for 2 years (twice as long as the marriage) and we're legally separated but I didn't tell her I was married and she found out. My hopefully soon to be ex gave her papers and copy of the marriage certificate. My fiancee left me about a weekago and will not reply to my messages. She took all her furniture an left personal gifts I gave her. I don't know where she is or how she's doing. I love her but was afraid to tell her. What can I do if anything to help her trust me and love me again?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

 

The only thing you can do is explain your side and explain why you didn't tell her and ask her to forgive you. Tell her that the divorce was in process when you met and started dating her and tell her your ex was being vindictive and mean when she took upon herself to tell her that you were still married. Tell her that your ex wife was trying to keep the divorce proceedings going for a long time now. Tell her that you love her and never meant to hurt her and that is why you didn't tell her you were still married. I think it hurts her more that she heard it from your ex instead of you and tell her that you are sorry for that. Tell her that you are the same person she fell in love with just with a little more baggage than she thought.

 

She probably still loves you but isn't sure what to think and this is why she should at least hear your side of the story and it will make it much clearer to her why it has been taking so long to get the divorce. Leave her more messages asking to meet you some where for lunch to discuss everything and that it's only fair to hear both sides of the story because your side will be the truth and make sure you tell her the truth even if you do not want to do so. If she won't meet with you that means she needs more time and that is something you are going have to give her because she was given news that may have devastated her and she needs time for everything to sink in and if she truly loves you she will allow you to tell your side.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I sent a text message telling her most of that you said and she kept telling me that unless I can prove that I'm not married she doesn't want to hear anything from me. In the middle of the conversation her sister who hates me called her so she told me she had to go and then she wouldn't accept but she would meet with me. Should I continue sending text messages asking or just stop sending messages and wait for her to contact me? This happened either Sunday or Monday. I'm not sure when to try again. Also are you available for future advise?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

 

Leave her another text asking her if she is still able to meet since it's been four days now that has given her enough time to think more about it but what you have to do just in case is think of everything you want to say to her to get her to give you another chance and just ask her if she would please consider the type of person you have been since you met and judge you by that and not by the mistakes you have made because you are only human and make mistakes and this won't be the first or the last mistake you make. Yes I am here as long as you need me to be.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I sent a text to her today telling here that I still love her and that we are good together. Asking her if we can talk about her new job and just let me know how she's feeling. After hours she texted me saying she's not going to share that information with me. She doesn't know where this is going if anyplace at all. She needes space and she meant it! She told me to not push her. I said I understood and I also told her that I prayed to my father asking for one more change and i swore on my father that I would make things right if given the chance. I also asked if she could call me at some point because she's my bestfriend and I needed someone to talk to about my father. His birthday would have been this coming wednesday. He dies last year in August. Last month I got through his death date because of Shannon and I don't think she knows it was because of her. I know she could help me get through this week but I guess she either can't or doesn't want to help me because she didn't reply.

I promise I will never get angry to the point I want to leave or ask her to leave if she comes back to me. I use to hurry home from work just to be with her and I would wake up happy because I saw her in the morning. I would tell her often that the best part about you is that you're the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. I want to grow old with her. I'm sorry. I guess this is less a question than a rant on my part. Sorry. Thank you for the advise I just don't know what else I can do. I can tell you one thing. I have gone to church everday since last Friday and i pray everyday to God. I don't know if you're religous but I've never prayed so much in my life. I will make her life as happy as I could if she comes back to me. If you are religious please say a pray for Shannon and I because I would only wrap her in my love on a daily basis and protect her with it.

Thanks,

Dan

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

 

I hope you told her that or texted that to her because that was beautiful the way you described your love for her and what you would do if given a second chance even if she doesn't reply you got those feelings out there and like she said she needs time and I think she needs that time to heal and I think she isn't going to talk to you or have anything to do with you until the divorce so maybe you should concentrate on getting that divorce and then go to her and talk to her when you are free. That is what is going to keep you from getting her back the fact that you are still married. I am a very spiritual person and I truly believe if you put your faith in God he will not forsaken you but you have to do your part also and get that divorce so that you can final be free to be the person Shannon wants you to be.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I know you're right. I have to come up with $10,000 for my exwife to get divorced. I had back federal taxes that I didn't know about so when we filed taxes they were taken. I'm trying to think of ways but I just can't get the money and my ex will not accept payments. I'm stuck. I finally found a woman I love who my kids love that I could see myself growing old with and I cant move forward. I texted her about my dad and I texted her about my promise. I got a reply a few seconds ago asking that I mail her Ipod nano to her personal injury attorney for her to get at some point. She didn't reply to any of my statements. I texted her back saying I would drop it off to his office tomorrow and here is my actual text to her:"I will have it left at ur lawyers office tomorrow. Will I have opportunity to talk to u before u make ur final decision or should I just wait for ur decision. i want to give space & try fight for u & don't want to piss u off. Just seeking direction. BTW, the movers (her movers) broke the screen on my laptop so it doesn't work. Not my biggest problem just sharing."

That's why I'm here on justanswer.com trying to make some money so i can save towards the divorce but I'm up online during the day and night. i was looking for questions to answer yesterday from 9 am until 2am this morning. I would have started earlier but I went to church at 7:45am. It's just hard to find ways to make more money. For the past two months I've been trying. I applied to everything around me from mcdonald and sears to online surveys.... everything. I'm a lawyer but since I work for the state I can't do outside legal work in NY. i just don't know what to do but I know you're right. Thanks again.

One last question. I was thinking about taking a small add out in the Buffalo Newspaper in the classified section telling her how sorry I am without listing her or my last name. Do you think that would be a good idea or not and if so what should I say?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

 

It seems as though your ex wife has your hands tied as far as getting a divorce without paying the $10,000 and since you are not able to do legal work in NY maybe JustAnswer is the best thing for but I don't know about the legal stuff but as far as the divorce and Shannon you should explain everything to her but do it in a letter and not text message explain to her you money situation with the ex wife and tell her that is why you can not get a quick divorce. As far as getting her back if you do not give her the time she asked for and the space she may never come back, she is angry that you lied about being divorced and not telling her the truth and you breached her trust in you so it is going to take some time.

 

She probably felt like your mistress and not your girlfriend when she found out that you were still married and what hurt the most is she found out throw your ex wife and not you. She may think that you made her look like a fool. Like I said she needs some healing time and time to think about what her next move is going to be just try to respect that but still write the letter about all of the reasons you were unable to get the divorce and tell her how your ex wife is holding the $10,000 over your head.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Shannon already know about the money holding up the divorce. My ex even admitted to here about causing the $2000+ damage to my truck which she had denied in court. I will try to honor her wish. I just fear she will try to forget me by seeing someone else.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
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KimberlyF
KimberlyF
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Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com