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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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i have been in love with a married women for 3 years i am also

Customer Question

i have been in love with a married women for 3 years i am also married but neither one of us have love for our spouses her husband is abusive and treats her realy bad hes in jail right now and when he got arrested she told me that god was dealing with her and she couldnt see me anymore so how do i move on or will she come back to me what dod i do
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long have both of you been married?

 

-Did her husband go to jail because of abusing her?

 

-Are you still with your wife?

 

-What did she mean by God was dealing with her now?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i am 38 she is 43 she has been married for 20 years they got married in court house she said she didnt love him when they got married she lost her family and took first person she met he stayed drunk for years. i been married 3 years but i dont love my wife i did it cause of people telling me its the right thing to do cause she got pregnanant i have 4 year old son .no her husband went to jail for buying crack cocain with there 6 year old son in the car 2 counts possesion crack cocain and aggrevated child abuse evading arrest . no im not with my wife but we havent divorced yet im trying to get the money. she says that god is dealing with her heart that what she was doing is wrong and thinks she is gona go to hell if she dont straigten out she says she feels bad about doing what she did with me and i dont understand that after 3 years it dont take 3 years to start feeling guilty we work together our shifts are a little different but we still see each other she want even talk to me. her husband has only worked 7 years outa 20 he just sells drugs and yets her support him she has missed out on lots of stuff with her son so i know i would be better for her than him she tells everybody she is not gona be with him they are divorcing for sure and that there is not a day or minute that goes by she dont think of me and miss me she just sits around work crying and she looks so depressed she tells everybody how much she loves me and wants to be with me but there is something holding her back when she sees me she just crys and walks away i tought she might be scared of him hurting her but hes gona be in jail for at least a year and she has said shes not affraid of him doing anything its been almost 2 months since she even spoke to me i do not want to loose this women she is the only women i ever loved he doesnt know about me my wife does i told her everything i tried to get her to tell him hes in jail nows the time to tell him one thing i know bothers her is her son saying he misses his daddy which he never showed his son any attention to anyways but its his dad so
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

Thank you for answering my questions. It seems like she has a lot of emotions to work through right now and probably thought she wouldn't be any good to you with all of the issues she has with the husband and her son and she also may feel like the reason she is going through all of this is because it is God punishing her for her indiscretion with you for 3 years and that her life might get better if she stopped seeing you but her life won't get any better until she has her husband out of her life but she has to want to do that for herself. The husband not only put his own life in danger but his son's too, he could have gotten his son hurt and for what his own selfish reasons. The first thing you need to do is get a divorce from your wife if you do not love her and your are separated this might show her that you are serious about being committed to her and only her but you have to get divorced for yourself never for anyone else. Second talk to her and tell her everything that her husband did was not an act of God and that he did it for his own selfish reasons and in the process put her son in harms way. She can not stay in a loveless marriage and expect to be happy especially with her husband's drug problem and run in with the law.

 

What she should do is divorce her husband while he is in jail and then get her son some counseling to deal with what his father put him through, I think the reason he misses his father is because child love their parents unconditional, they (the parent) can be abusive to them and desert them and still they love them and want them in their life and the last he saw of his father was him being arrested in front of him and taking away that is traumatic for a child, he (the son) is at the age where he knows why people get arrested and what his father did and he is scared he will never see his father again. If she stands by her husband it could mean putting her son in jeopardy once again and the state may not allow that to happen and may take the son from her if she does that but that is a legal matter and I am not a legal expert. I would say to you to give her some more time and then I would go to her and talk to her about everything from your divorcing your wife to her not being able to trust her husband especially as far as the son goes and that she can not stay in a loveless marriage. If you love her then you both are going to have to do this the right way and not get intimate until you both are out of your marriages and are able to have a clean start. You have to be her friend right now because that is what she needs the most because she may be feeling a little overwhelmed with everything that has gone on and she feels she is left to pick up the pieces. Her main priority right now is her son and what he went through but she is going to have to get him some counseling for him to be able to get pass this.

 

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

i have been staying away from her i cant be her freind right now cause she want even talk but my problem is im so scared of loosing the only women ive ever loved i am getting my own place this week and she knows that all i can do is give her time but i dont want to make any mistakes that will cause me to loose her but in the mean time im going crazy missing her and she is to i can see that when i see her and she has always said i would be better for her son than him she is so closed up right now and it scares me to death i will have to find another job if she decides to not be with me cause i cant see her everyday knowing im not gona be with her and i know she loves me the same way cause thats what she tells everybody her stories are all the same she doesnt tell one person one thing and somebody else something different i guess all i can do is wait

maybe until i get a home for her child and her she is not feeling succure but she knows shes not succure with him he went to jail while she was on her own then win he went she moved back to the home he was at cause she couldnt pay her bills alone so it worries me that she is gona be there when he gets out and she will take the easy way out for her son and just stay with him but your right the state will not alow that

i love her with all my heart
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

i also know that i need to divorce my wife i left then came back was gona try and work it out cause thats what my preacer said i need to do but i felt even more guilt than i did before i told her about me and the married women because im in love with another women even if i dont end up with the women i love i will have to find another later cause i dont love my wife big mistake to marry her but we make mistakes i know i can move on i just love this women with real love but im affraid all shes known is misery and that she will go back to him

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

I suggest giving her a couple of months for everything to sink in and in the meantime work on getting your own place and getting your divorce final. Your only choice right now is to give her time and hope that she comes to the decision that her husband doesn't have her or their son's best interest at heart. She is confused right now and it's obvious that she isn't happy at all and may be blaming herself for everything that is going on. She isn't going to see what is best for her right now because she is so confused as to what to do that is why she needs time. Just let her know that you are there for her if she needs you, I think with time it will pass and she will realize that she needs to do for her and her son, no one can make her do something she doesn't want to do she has to want to do it for herself and her son. Take this time that you are giving her to clear up your situation and make a clean break from your marriage and work on yourself to be a better husband to someone else later.

 

This is something she has to do on her own and she may need to see a counselor along with her son because they are both victims of her husband drug problems and law problems but she can not be good for anyone until she works on herself and realizes that she can not be a crutch for her husband any longer. If she does choose to stay with her husband and try to work it out it's her choice and no one can change that but her. If you allow her time to figure things out she will be able to make her choice with a clear head without interference and confusion. Wouldn't you want all of her instead of part of her being with you and the other being with the husband for the son's sake?

 

She has to be the one to say when she has taken enough from her husband and want to leave and have a better life for her and her son. You can not think negatively or else you will have already lost if she does decide to go back to her husband think about that when the time comes but no one knows how much time the husband will get for his actions and I would have a positive attitude until that day comes. I think the longer she is without him the better it will be for her to see that he isn't good for her and that her life will actually be better without him.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

but the longer shes without me want her love for me grow cold and in the meantime she will have trouble making it money wise she doesnt make enough money to make it realy she will be stressed because of that i just want all this to go away im almost to the point of just being alone for while i want never understand any of this

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

Being alone for a little bit may be the best thing for you, you don't want to get into another relationship with all these issues because you won't be giving the relationship a fair chance because you just got separated from your wife and then you are in love with a married woman that is a lot for someone to have to deal with and compete with. I really don't think you should rush into another relationship until the feelings with this woman are resolved and if she decides to go to you and you're with someone else that may change her mind. Of course you're not going to understand because it was so easy for you to walk away from you marriage because you weren't in love with your wife and you realized you would rather be happy than to stay in a loveless marriage but she on the other hand has been a victim to her husband's behavior for so long that it's become common place for her now and only she can decide when she has had enough. I really feel she needs extensive counseling for her and her son to be able to get over this. All you can do right now is give her time but if you are worried about her financially tell her if she needs help financially to please let you know and leave it at that don't ask her when, why, where of your relationship she will talk about it when she is ready and if she doesn't talk about it after some time you will have to talk to her. If she will not talk to you face to face then write her a letter or email and send it to her. You can not go without answers or you will only wonder the rest of your life and won't be able to truly move on and you either need her answer or closure to be able to heal from this.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i havent accepted cause i havent got an answer how can i know this women will do whats right and come to me thats the question
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

I can not answer for this woman I can only give you advice of what to do to try to get her to even talk to you. The decision is hers to make and like you said your hands are tied now because she won't even communicate with her and I gave you some tools to help you to possibly get her to even talk to you, if she sees your not making an effort it will only push her further away. You won't know she will do the right thing and I can not tell you she will only she can answer those questions for you. It seems as though you are wanting me to tell you she will come back to you and when she will do that and I can not do that because I am not her, it's important to first get her to have some kind of communication with you even before you can ask her if she is going to come back to you in time. You can only get that answer from her and only her. Your questions to me was "how do I move on or will she come back to me what do I do?" I said that you needed to talk to her or write her telling her how you feel and this way you will get the closure if she really doesn't want to be with you and I also said that I can not tell you if she will come back to you because the final decision is hers to make.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well the truth of it is this women is the love of my life and she want talk to me or read my letters or anything so i guess im just screwed life sucks realy bad and thats the way its been for me since i was 13 so anyway thank you for telling me what everybody else has thank you for listening
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I think if you give her time she will realize that her marriage is not a healthy one and if you would like a second opinion I can send you to one of our other Relationship Experts?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I dont know how long should i wait for her to make this decision i love her so much and its driving crazy not be able to talk to her im real scared of loosing her

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

At least a couple of months to give her some time to think about her life and her options and if by then she hasn't given you an answer then I would contact her and see if she is ready to talk to you. It's foolish for her to think that it was her affair that is making her husband behave this way, she needs to realize that it is her husband's selfishness that has sent their marriage into turmoil and has landed him in jail for possibly a year or so. Though having the affair on both parts did not make things any better it is not the reason for her marriages demise. Until she can realize these things she will only allow her guilt to take over her life and she will stay in that unhealthy marriage and make herself miserable.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i went and talked to her shes gona stay with her husband shes a lying sucubis that took everything from me well she never took money just my heart and life she will get what she diserves if she could lie to me for 3 years and say she was gona divorce her husband and be with me and not do what she said then she deserves to be with him shes gona loose her son and her husband will never be any different i gave her 3 months to make her mind up thats plenty of time no wonder he was abusive to her i would never hit a women but this is the closest ive ever felt to doing something stupid like that but for my son i am smart enough to do whats best for me and him anyway im sure she will be back in my life eventualy i just hope that i get the chance to put her in the same shape i am
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

Don't do anything rash or extreme and you knew that she could possibly pick her husband because that is all she knows and when a person is belittled and abused eventually they feel like nothing and feel that the person abusing them is all they deserve plus the fact that her son wants his father back she probably feels obligated, you used really harsh words to describe someone you loved for 3 years, I think you are just angry because you gave up your marriage for her and she isn't giving up anything, well that isn't true she is giving up her self dignity to stay with a man that doesn't care about her or her son because if he had he would not have put his son in that position to see his father get arrested by police and being chased in the car by police.

 

Instead of hating her and wanting her to pay for how she hurt you maybe you should feel sorry for her that she has chosen to stay in the hell that she is in, her husband may be gone for a year or more and this is just her trying to save face because she feels guilty about having an extra marital affair with you and she thinks God is making her pay for her indiscretions but her husband has been putting her through this long before she met you it's common place for her now. You should think long and hard about treating her badly she really needs a friend right now and if you are mean to her and show anger that will only make her stay with her husband even more. I think with time away from him she will get stronger and be able to make that break from him but she has to want it.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
im not gona say anything to her and yes im angry but im not gona do anything rash i still love her but i cant even be her freind if she just stays all closed up she lies to me without me asking she will say she will call me but then never does im just gona let her go i think she will be back in my life later but i just hope its not to late for her
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

That may be best for now as long as she stays loyal to her abusive husband she will never truly be yours she has to realize on her own that her husband isn't good for her or her son no matter how many times you tell her that he isn't good for her she will still only see what she wants to see.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

she wrote me a note and said how much she loved me and everything she shared with me was not a lie and the hardest thing she ever had to do in her life was tell me yes its over but she also said i know if we continue to pray that if its god will for us to be together we will so whats that mean

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 


It means that the door is still open and that she feels that if the two of you were meant to be together it will happen and she needs time to sort things out. Her writing to you is a huge step from where you didn't communicate at all, I think she may be taking that turn where she sees it's alright to be independent and that life may be better without the husband, she needs to be on her own for a bit to find herself again but I believe the longer the husband is out of the picture the more clearly she can see things. Over time she can make her decision with a clear mind and m ake a more honest decisin continue to give her time but also let her know that you are there for her for ANYTHING.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

why would she say the hardest thing she ever had to do is tell me its over if she wanted to be with me i think realy there is more to this her husbands family or something has her scared to death threatened her with the kids or something maybe they have her under investigation over her husband selling drugs for years i dont know whats going on i just love her


 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 


Though that could be what is happen that the family could be threatening her the only person that can answer that is her and it could also be possible that the husband is threatening her from jail or even telling her sweet nothings like he is going to change or things are going to be different this time. You will have to ask her these questions in order to get the truth.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

if this women want talk to me and gave me a letter telling me the hardest thing she ever had to do was tell me yes its over but if its gods will for us to be together we will i dont want to pressure her so how do i know if this was not her way of realy telling me its over she said she didnt want me to wait on her and was tired of hurting me well im only hurt if she doesnt want to be with me she still seems confused i dont want to loose her but i cant get her to call me or anything how do i know that shes not moving on and im waiting for nothing

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

If she wanted to tell you she doesn't want to be with you anymore she would have said " I want nothing more to do with you" but she didn't what she meant was she needs to be on her own right now and she really does need to be on her because she has ALOT to work through and she wants you to understand that and not to put your life on hold for her, if she doesn't know what she wants and then stays with you she wouldn't be being fair to you and would be living a lie. Relationships are about taking chances and none of us know if a person is going to stay with us or find someone else if you could know that for sure there would be less break ups. Time is what you need to give her and if you are not willing to do that then maybe you should consider moving on yourself and not wait for her to do it. She will not be good for anyone until she can work on her issues and she has many and I think that is what she is trying to do.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

no im gona wait for her cause i love her and its just hard as a man to understand whats shes doing i would think now is the time for her to turn to me insted of putting up this wall she went from sharing everything with me to nothing and it scares me you said she needs time and thats all i have anyways but i dont want to loose her i have not even consider another women or mo ving on she is the love of my life and said i was hers to im just confused and realy have nobody to help me with this lots of her freinds are hypocrits they wave bibles in her face and they her 2 best freinds are both on there second marriages i know she is very fragile right now and one thing could sway her either way im just worried i guess but real thanx for talking to me about this i just dont want to make a mistake i want to spend rest of my life with her i am certain of that

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You can come talk to me whenever you need me that is what I am here for, you know the first people to cast the first stone usually can have stones casted right back at them also, so don't listen to those judging you because there could be ten more judging them. As far as spending the rest of your life with her she will have to divorce her husband first and then she will be free to be with you but don't get ahead of yourself yet think about the here and now and right now you are at a stand still basically because she is feeling guilty as if God is punishing her back for her indiscretions but the fact of the matter is her husband didn't just start treating her badly and using drugs because she was seeing you this has been an ongoing thing and she hasn't been happy for a very long time, she has to see that her husband really put both her and their son in danger, what if the police didn't see their son in the car and opened fire on the car because he wouldn't stop? She is going to have to make a choice of whether to keep her son safe or keep living on the edge with her husband. Only she knows when enough is enough and can decide when to cut her loses as far as her marriage is concerned.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

i know i just dont understand any of it cause any body would make a decision to not stay in that i think. i cant figure it out why she would throw 3 years of of what she said shes wanted all her life over her husband i think shes not gona be happy till shes with me ive started getting little better since all this happen but she still looks the same so depressed and still crys alot when she sees me i know shes not happy

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

If you don't give her the time she asked for you will only make her more miserable like a constant reminder.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
k well your own thoughts should i just yet this women go and try to get past the love i had for her and try and find somebody else its been 3 months since the start of this problem and i still love her the same and i dont know as a man i will have to ignore her completly and find somebody else to ever get over her thats the only way i will get over her but thats not realy what i want to do i want to be with her kinda dumb question i know
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I can not tell you how to feel only you know what you want in life I can only give you suggestion as to what you can do during this time of her needing time to think. If you love her enough to wait until she is ready or until she moves on then that is what you need to do. If she truly loves you then she will find her way back to you but she still needs to work on her self esteem because it's obvious the husband had broke her into loyalty to him to the point where she may not feel she deserves the kind of love you give her. Abuse and neglect is all she knows and until she feel worthy of such love all she will settle for is what her husband gives her which is not much of anything. I believe that if she finally realizes that she deserves true happiness the choice will be easy for her to make.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
ive had a realy bad weekend missing her she came in to work this morning and just walked right by me like i never happen im so hurt and she doesnt even seem to care i guess i deserve this for trying to love a women for who she is and opening up to her i was always there for her for almost 4 years and she acts like i dont exist how are women so cruel i know men are dogs well lots i know and my wife probably thinks that about me but ive always been honest with both of them i never hid her from my wife and i always told her the truth i feel like im never gona get past this how do you even start to forget somebody you love so much i feel sometimes it would have been better for her to have died at least i would know she had no choice about doing that she is choosing this i just wanted us to be together and she told me thats what she wanted for 3 and half years can somebody live a lie for that long anyways guess im just feeling srry for my self
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

It's never a good thing to wish anyone dead, I understand your upset and hurt but if you love her you wouldn't wish her ill will. She is doing what she has to do for herself, she has to keep a clear mind in order to work through everything and it's not going to happen overnight. You are going to have rough days where you are going to feel sorry for yourself because you want her to make up her mind now but that just isn't going to happen it will happen only when she is ready. Maybe it's in your best interest to talk to someone a clergyman, counselor to help you work through these feelings that you have for this woman you need some type of support system.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i dont wish she was dead you took that the wrong way its hard for me to understand how somebody can say i love you then say we cant be together men see things different than women thats for sure i dont know do you think that whats she said in the letter is her way of saying its over for good and i just took that wrong she said the hardest thing she ever had to do is tell me yes its over but i know if its gods will for us to be together we will
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

She said that from her heart and I think she is being honest with you and telling you that she has alot of unresolved feelings about her marriage and that being with you will only confuse the issue and like I said before she needs a clear head in order to make the best decision for not only her but her son also because she says she cannot be with you right now and that if it were meant to be God will find a way does not mean she loves you any less, like I also said before she thinks in her mind that God is punishing her for having an affair with you and she isn't realizing that her husband was doing those things to her and himself before you came along and she has to be the one that realizes that her husband isn't any good for her or their son and until she is able to do that her life will always be in limbo. You can tell the way she gets so emotional when she is a work or around you that her saying it's over has affected her tremendously, you may be consumed with your own pain that you aren't seeing that she is in pain also and the extent of her pain. She is town between loyalty to a man that doesn't deserve her loyalty (her husband) and losing the love of her life (you). Sometimes are own selfish feelings keep us from seeing the bigger picture and how the other person is feeling.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well i made a mistake i talked to a person at work who i trusted and told her what was going on and she told the girl im in love with and she wrote me a letter telling me how could i care about her that i told what her husband done with her son which everybody knew already it was on the front page of the newspaper but she feels like i betrayed her about her son what do i do did i ruin this
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You have not blown it but now she feels as though she can't trust you the one person she thought could keep her deepest darkest secrets but it can be salvaged, I'm sure she already knew that people had to of known about her husband and their son already but may have felt like you were rehatching the whole ordeal again and this is probably what angered her allow her a couple of days to cool down and then apologize to her saying you would never do anything to hurt her maybe even get a card saying I'm sorry but I just worry about you and your son so much and love you and want the best for you and I don't think your husband if the best for you and your son that he puts you danger too much and ask her to please consider coming back to you so that you can take care of her and her son and keep them safe. Lay all of your cards out on the table since she is angry and can't get any more mad at you if you are speaking the truth.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well i wrote her a letter telling her what i done was so wrong and i am sorry i did it and i never would do anything to hurt her or her son on purrpose but she told some people at work that what i did was no differnt than what her husband done i think she will never speak to me again and she said she was gona find another job and i could talk about her all i wanted when she was gone but shes been there 22 years so i dont know if thats just anger
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

It seems like just talk and the fact that she is angry with you but by no means is what you did the same as what her husband did, morally her husband used drugs and then drove with his son and wouldn't stop for the police with their son in the car how is that even remotely the same as you telling people what they already knew because like you said it was on the front page of your local newspaper, I think she is finding excuses now not to be with you and using anything she can to stay away. You have two choices now , either you put your life on hold and possibly be waiting many years for her to be ready or you move on with your life find a job that she does not work at and start over. The final decision is yours but this woman has too many issues and too much baggage to even think about starting another relationship. Her husband made her not trust anyone and think that everyone is against her and it's going to take extensive counseling and her building her self esteem back up. It is time for you to make a decision as to what you want to do and how much you are willing to take from this woman, you gave up your marriage for her thinking that she was going to be with you and leave her husband and she did not instead she finds every excuse to avoid you, you have given up way more than she has at this point what more are you willing to sacrifice?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well everything i guess i talked to a real good freind of hers on the phone and she wants to be with me she told her that but said there is sometghing going on in her life with her and her child that she cant involve me in but i realy made her angry who knows maybe it has all been lies but she is doing a real good job of acting like she is so hurt by not being with me but i realy shouldnt have mentioned anything about her son cause she has always told me how bad she hates people talking about other peoples business at work i cant quit i will be getting a raise soon that will make me her boss and all the people that have been against me by no means would i do anything to them for what they did to me but it will be kinda be ironic to see how they all act im just gona continue to work and wait and just start ignoring her if she chooses to not be with me then i know she never loved me there realy is nothing i can do this is the letteer she wrote me you have always told me you care about me how can you care about a person and do what you did my son is only 6 years old you put him out there to let every one know what went on that nite hes the most important person in my life is that a way of making me hurt more i got enough on my plate already to come in here everyday for people to look at me and say what did you do to jamie <me>selfisness is you. you couldnt care whats going on with me at all it would have been easier for you to put up that news paper in the break room than for me to have to wonder if these people knew i trusted you but you put us out there to let all the people here know what was going on i hope not to be there much longer and they can talk about someone else that was the exact letter
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You have already made up your mind to wait for her to come around so that is what has to happen then but I hope she doesn't keep you waiting and waiting and before you know it it's been years, like she said she has alot on her plate and is going through alot with her son and herself and she was pretty much telling you that she isn't ready for any type of relationship right now. Leaving your job was just a choice I was giving I wasn't telling you to definitely leave your job I gave you three choices, it is up to you to choose what you want to do as far as this woman is concerned.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

well this morning was a little better i had a freind give her a letter yesterday telling her how srry i was that i talked about her and her son and he told her that i realy meant that i was so sorry for doing that and she said yea i shouldnt have give him that letter i was just angry that he talked about my business and he said she was smiling when he told her i was sorry so i dont know how long this will go on

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

First let me say that it was a great idea that you gave her a couple of days to cool off and then decided to write her a letter of apology like we talked about now what you have to do is make the first move,go up to her and ask her if she forgives you and tell her that you have learned your lesson and it will never happen again and see how she reacts. Tell her again how you only want the best for her and that you don't think her husband can give her the best and he keeps dragging her down and that you love her and want to protect her. Try that and she what her reaction is to that. Also ask her if the two of you can go out for lunch or dinner some time and tell her she can also bring her son if she wants. If she says no tell her you understand and that when she is ready let you know and tell her you will wait for her as long as she needs you to, this will show her that you are in it for the long haul if need be.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

well i would love to ask her out to dinner and i will tell her that i only want to be there for her and her son but i still want to give her a little time to get her self settled she has alot going on and i dont think shes even considering being with anybody right now thats what she told a freind so i think i might need to just let her know im here for her and let her come to me she may never want to be with me but i just didnt want her to be so hurt with what i said

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

The smile that she had when your friend and co-worker handed her the letter is a positive sign but I understand you not wanting to pressure her but that doesn't mean you can't be a friend to her and her son maybe tell her no strings attached if you do decide to ask her to llunch or dinner. That's noble that you do not want to pressure her this will show her that you are willing to give her time when she needs it and it shows your character.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

i think its time for me to give up i love her so much but i dont think i can take any more hurt from this its driving me crazy i dont think she ever loved me cause there is no way she could love me and do this to me 3 months and she still want talk to me she may just be waiting on her husband to get outa jail stringing me along if she was just having fun having sex with me and stuff then she is the best liar ever whats shes done to me is the worse thing i have ever seen somebody do to another person they say they love ever in my life she just will not even look in my direction i guess im gona give up hope all the signs point to this girl not being with me she has not told me anything realy as to why we cant even talk i will always love her but i think im gona tell her that i have tried not to pressure her and do anything that would hurt her for the last 3 months and she has gave me nothing i will always love you but i hope god takes care of you but im gona find me somebody else as soon as my divorce is final have a good life and ill never forget you thats all i know to do cause im gona make myself sick i dont eat good or sleep so i have to do something

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You have to do what is best for you if you feel moving on is best for you then that is what you have to do but if you are not eating because of her then that won't change just because you break things off with her you will still feel the same you may need to seek some counseling to help deal with everything you have had to deal with the past three years include the end of your marriage that is alot for one person to go through and seeing a counselor will help you deal with all of the emotions you have for this woman, it really isn't healthy the way you haven't been eating or sleeping you may be going through a fit of depression also.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
me and her both are in bad shape she doesnt look like shes sleeping or eating good im not gona see counselor im not concerned with my marrage being over i didnt love her and she didnt love me all my problems are because of this other women and since she wont tell me why she realy did this im just left to wonder why the rest of my life ill be okay i just would feel better if she would tell me why it has to be this way i guess after 3 years she feels like she dont owe me anything thats the chance i took falling in love with an abused married women
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I didn't suggest you see a counselor about your marriage that was only part of why I suggested a counselor the main reason is it's not healthy to not be eating or sleeping and you may be going through some depression but I'm only a Relationship expert I'm not a Health expert. From your last reponse it seems as though you aren't really sure if you want to let go and move on yet because you will never be able to move on until you get the answers you need and the closure it will take to allow you to move on from this, you're right that was a chance you took falling in love with a woman that has been abused and belittled by her husband and doesn 't want to break aways from that situation but all relationships and marriages are about taking chances.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
would it seem to you i have told you everything that has went on almost since this strated do you think she was just haveing fun with me i dont understand how anybody could say they love somebody and do me the way she has she was women enough to sleep with me and if she has some problem she doesnt want me in she could have said it like this i got something serious in my life that i cant involve you in if you dont want to wait on me then thats fine but i hope you will then when i get past this we can be together but the way she has done it makes me think she was just enjoying herself she looks realy depressed but i dont know if it has anything to do with me im not an ultimatem person but i gave her a letter that said i only wanted to protect her and her son and i would have always been there for him and her. you called me everyday for 3 years so if you cant make a few minutes to call me this weekend then im gona beleive you never had intentions of being with me and was just haveing fun if it makes her mad oh well ive been carrying this to long i dont know the answeres to most people but i do know when you love somebody thats not the type of stuff you do to them regardless of your problems she must have just been using me
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I can not speak for her about her feelings but it seems as though she is blaming herself for everything that has gone on and the fact that her husband is in jail but she has to realize her husband would have done this even if she wasn't having an affair with you, he didn't know about the two of you when he ran from the police with their child in the car and chose to do drugs, she may think in order for things in her life to be right she has to do what is best for her marriage and wait for him but he wasn't and probably will not do what is best for her or their son or else he would not have put his son in that situation. I think you want me to give you the answers you need because you have not been able to get her to give you them but I can not give you those answer only she can.

If she was just having fun with you I don't really think it would have lasted three years, I think she thinks if she repents for her sins of having an affair that things will get better for her but the only way things can truly be better for her is if she realizes her husband isn't good for her or her son and be strong enough to walk away.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
no im not looking for you to give me the answer to what she feels im gona get it if she does not call me this weekend then i will know she was just haveing fun or never has palns of being with me im no relationship expert but i know enough to know there is no reason for her treating me this way simple as that if there is somethiong major going on she should have told me so i will start to try and move on after this weekend if she doesnt call me
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I hope that she calls you and gives you the answers you need because I can tell this is really affecting you and will continue to affect you, she does owe you that much to give you the answers and some closure but if you feel it is time to move on then you are taking the steps to do so but it's going to be very hard going to work and seeing her everyday that is the only reason I suggested counseling to help you to do that but I understand you not wanting to go to one. I'm here for as long as you need me to be.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

how do i get over this women i am the type who cant just make myself quit loving somebody and people say time but its been 3 months and i still love her the same as before i would feel like crap if i did something to make her mad or not ever want to be with me and then found out that like she said she was gona get divorced when she got her taxes back i would go threw all the hurt again but for 3 months she has gave me nothing her husband threw her out then she had it all planed out we would both get divorced then date a couple months then get married then when her husband went to jail something happened and she shut me out again now she just says if its gods will we will be together i just wish she would be with me but i gave her that letter that said if she didnt call me i would know that she was just having fun and never planned to be with me and she hasnt called so i guess thats what she wants

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You have loved this woman for three years and three months is not enough time to get over her it will take quite some time some people don't get over their loves for years, you are going to have to try to consume your time with other things so that you don't think about her as much. Volunteer your time or spend more time with friend or your children if you sit at home thinking about her you are never going to get past this. What you need to do is think about if moving on is really what you want to do. Her not calling you tells me that she isn't ready for that type of communication and that you may have stick to what you said in the letter and try to move on that doesn't mean rush into another relationship because that wouldn't be fair to the person you date when you are clearly still in love with the other woman, use that time to work on healing and find yourself again you lost yourself in this woman and wanting a life with her and now that she isn't communicating with you don't know what to do because it was like losing yourself and who you became when she stopped being there for you. There is alot of things the two of you have not said to each that you both need in order to be able to move on and I really don't think you can move on until you have closure and the two of you sit down and talk everything out.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i have been willing to talk to her but she want talk to me and i have been realy nice about the hole situation because i never attack her i kniow that will only anger her more or hurt her which is not what i want to do the question i ask her when we did last talk was i said do you want to stay this way i hate seeing you so depressed because i love you so much we need to be able to comunicate in order for us to get past this and she just said i know but she still will not talk even when i ask her nicely she just crys alot i realy feel weird to even aproach her because it looks like it hurts her so much this will never go away i feel like god will let me live this for long time becuase i feel in love with a married women i just wish she would say i am going to be with you no matter what i have to go threw like she use to i found a letter she wrote me and im going to read it to u / Hey baby i was just sitting here thinking of you and all that you are to me thats the way it is evryday for me your always on my mind but today when you held me i felt so safe and so much love and happyness like nothing else even matterd hes always putting me down but i think of you when hes doing it and all that goes away because i know you love me and respect me i feel so much love when where together that i dont care what he says because i know you love me and thats all that matters to me im willing to be your wife your lover and best freind and for us to be there for each other no matter what we have to go threw nothing in this world will ever stop this no matter how hard it gets because we have the most important thing love for each other your the only man i know that is realy a man you are exactly what ive searched for my hole life i love you with all my heart and when you have love you have it all thank you for that very first kiss i will always be here for you forever ... what could possibly make her go from this to what she has done to me i dont even know if i should ever try to move on it feels so weird like it aint over but i dont know if thats just me hoping she may be confused but im not im sure she is the one i want anyways i still dont know what to do guess if she doesnt call today ill know she is never gona call
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

That is why I suggested counseling, a counseling can help you work through those feelings but I can not make you go to a counselor trying to do this on your own just doesn't seem to be helping instead it is making it harder for yourself. Sometimes talking to someone on the outside looking in you get a better perspective into what is going on and what may be happening. I don't know what else to say to you without sounding like a broken record over and over again but I must say it nevertheless all you can give her is time and if you aren't willing to do that then you have to make a choice of waiting or moving on. Are you willing to wait years if that is what it takes? Maybe you should write her a letter and in the letter write what she wrote to you and ask her if she truly meant those words. There could be several reason she is so confused: 1. She is receiving letters from her husband saying he is going to change and that he loves her and doesn't want to lose her (which may be just prison talk) 2. She feels in God's eyes that she has committed a sin and is trying to do the right thing in God's eyes. 3. She loves and cares for you but doesn't want to divorce her husband while he is in jail and the fact that her son wants his Dad there. I can not speak for her because I don't know what she is thinking but this seems to be a harder decision than she thought it would be because of her son wanting his father and the last memory he had of his father was him being taken away to jail by the police that is traumatic for a child. If you are satisfied with my answer please click the green accept button so that I can get credit for my answers that I have given you.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

well i guess its over for sure i still love her but she has defanatly made the decision to stay with her husband she says she doesnt even care if i look in her direction anymore i will never get past this im gona always love her but what can you do nothing she has took everything from me and i dont even know how to get it back came in to my life and messed it up and left for me to pick up the mess and called it gods will what a lame excuse for i was just having fun how do people use you and act like nothing i was right she was just enjoying the sex or she would not have done me like this

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

If you feel that it is definitely over then it is time for you to start to move on and you may ask how do I do that well it will take some time and steps to do so. You are going to have to deal with your anger but do it in a healthy way. You are feeling both anger and sadness and that is okay to feel. Just make sure you don't do anything negative, try doing activities that let the anger out like boxing or working out to get rid of the negative energy, write your feelings down on paper or talk to friends about what happened. Take care better of yourself eat healthy, exercise, go for walks or jogs, hang out more with your friends and most important you have got to get enough sleep, you are allowing the break up to make you sick. Getting enough sleep allows you make good decisions and think positively. Life can seems like it's over but keep in mind, the relationship with your ex is over for a reason: she isn't ready to let go of her husband and his controlling ways, she doesn't feel she deserves you, she is staying married for her son's sake, she needs time to work on herself and become strong again whatever the reason she may not be the one for you. Yes you did give up ALOT to be with her but try not to think about that because what is done is done,try picturing the right person for you and the kind of relationship you want out of life. Remember, you deserve to be happy and will be happy again in time.

 

It's going to take alot of adjusting because you work together and that too is going to take some time to get use to seeing her without hurting, it just may be best if she left that job, it may make your healing process a much easier and faster process, just don't give up on love the right person for you is still out there but don't rush into that give yourself some you time like I said. When you've given yourself enough time to work through your emotions, then you can slowly begin to date again. The length of time you may need to get there only you can decide. When you first start dating again don't compare them to the ex that will only make you not want to date anyone. Just remember everyone is different and allow yourself the to get to know them slowly. Don't expect anything right away just have fun just being with them and learning them.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well i feel in my heart it isnt over she will go back to him and see he is the same person that he was but i just feel like she is gona come to me right when i start to get better from this i dont want to make a mistake like i already have i can wait to see for little while but i wont wait forever there is no reason that i would think she might go find somebody else but like you said i dont think he will change its just jail talk he will be the same man and she will not be happy you cant make yourself love somebody and as far as doing things with my freinds i have no real freinds that i like hangin out with so i just have to go threw this by my self
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

In order to keep your mind off this situation you are going to have to find someone to talk to so that you are not going through this alone maybe get out and make new friends, you can't really talk to co workers because you see where that got you they went back and told her what you said. There are support groups out there with people who are going through the same thing you are if you are interested I can find some links for you. You really need to keep yourself busy outside of work so that you aren't constantly thinking about her and the situation I've given you some ideas so maybe think about everything I've said to you and the information I've given you. Try the going to the gym thing you can meet people there and possibly strike up friendships there and get rid of that anger you are feeling also. As long as you work together there will be that constant reminder every time you see her so try to consume yourself with your work and if possible try to move your desk or area where you do not have to run into her as much if that is impossible then you will have to just deal with the fact that you work in the same place and have to earn a living. If it's your choice to wait then wait but don't spend the rest of your life waiting for someone who may never be ready.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
ive had a realy bad weekend so far ive missed her realy bad one of her freinds told me that she was going threw something realy serious but that she wasnt stupid and when she got over her problem you was the one she would come to but im so worried about waiting for nothing she couldnt have a problem so serious that she couldnt even talk to me could she i know that its been 4 months now and i still love her as much as i did when this started
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Did you ask the friend what the serious issue was? It could be something medical or she could be in trouble for what her husband did with having their son in the car while he was running from the ;police that could be a very serious child endangerment case, if they feel the mother could have stopped him from taking the son when she knew he was on drugs I'm not really sure about the legal stuff with that because I am not a legal expert. If her friend told you that she wants you then don't second guess it you have to take your mind off of this and give her time how do you think she would feel if she knew that if she asked you for time you didn't want to give it. This all started when the husband got caught by police and then ran from them with their son in the car so I'm more apt to believe that it has something to do with the case. You should understand that her son has to come first and if that is what is going on and the state may not think she is fit to take care of her son that is more important than you right now and you should understand that, maybe use this time to reconnect with your children so that they don't feel as if it is their fault that you and their mother split up. Just don't make this woman your only focus in life right now until she gets her issues straightened out she can not come to you because if it has to do with the state investigation then her seeing a married man as a married woman would not look very good for her.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well the last time we talked i ask her if she ever seen me in her future and she said i have no future i said what are you sick or dying she said no i just have no future im only doing what god wants me to do each day and i just learned that he will probably not be able to be back around her son for at least a year or more this morning when i left work she did look right at me and smile so how do i know if she is just smiling at me cause its and akward moment or she misses me after all she did tell a freind of mine it was over but thats when she was mad over me talking about what happen with her son i realy miss her and no im not gona get over her till shes women enough to tell me to my face that we will never be together if she has no plans to ever be with me then i deserve that i would think she was women enough to sleep with me she should be women enough to tell me to my face its over i deserve that if not then she knows im waiting and maybe shes just stringing me along till she finds out about her husband how hard is it gona be to make her marriage right
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

She is walking around in a confused state right now she seems to have too much on her plate to be able to handle on her own and she thinks giving it all over to God will help her to sort things out and she may also feel that if she gives it all over to God then she has to walk according to the God's laws and adultery is against God's law, I feel this is what is keeping her from you the fact that she realized what she did with you for 3 threes wasn't right in God's eyes and if he wants her to be with you then he will make a way. She is so confused that she is trying to find any kind of normality in her life and right now she feels as though God is that normality. She is probably taking this time to do some self reflection on her part to try and see her part in the situation and the things she did wrong to cause all of this and she isn't making her husband be held accountable for the things that he did instead she is taking all of the blame she needs to do some soul searching to see what she wants out of life for both her and her son. She needs to be independent and learn to love herself again. Do not be clingy towards your ex this will make her run away. What she needs to do right now is live her life for her and her son, also boost her self-esteem. She has to love herself first, be independent before she can love others. I think I told you this before about her self esteem and getting to love herself before she can be good for anyone else.

 

She need to learn to listen and communicate better with you instead of shutting down totally that is not healthy nor productive. Communication is essential in understanding each other, to understand why the break-up happened, and lead to the possibility of winning her back. Work towards showing her some compassion and trust so that your ex opens up and feels comfortable talking to you again, she may feel like she has no one to turn to right now and you have to find a way to show her that she can trust you with her deepest darkest secrets, if you really want to get back together again, push away all of those negative thoughts and ask yourself instead, "What is it actually about this person that I love?"

 

Try to approach your ex with a sincerely XXXXX XXXXX start communicating, walk up to her some time at work and ask her how she and the son are doing and if there is anything they need I doubt very much she would make a scene at work and she will have to be cordial and maybe you can get the answer that you need. You say she will not talk to you then you do the talking, tell her that you have been thinking about her and the things she has been going through and that you wish she could confide in you, she may not be taking you seriously because you have done all the talking through notes and letter and not face to face, you really have nothing to lose now.

Just try not to corner her she already feels stuck and cornered by her husband don't add to that just go up to her and say to her " I know you're confused and I don't want to add to that confusion I just want you to know you have someone to talk to is you need me and I want to be there for you and your son no strings attached maybe is she knows you aren't going to harp on the relationship she will open up more. it may not be the progress you are looking for but it will be a start to possibly communication again at least. If you are happy with my answer click the green accept button so that I can get credit for my answer and also please leave feedback on my answer.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i cannot aproach her and why would she act like i did something i have apolgized over and over for the fact that her and her son are going threw this i did not put her son in the car and do this to him all i done was love her and i still do ive told her also that i would always be there for her and her soon all i can do is sit and wait hoping she opens up to me if not ,when my divorce is final i will have to move on like i said one of her freind s told me she was dealing with a lot but when she was ready for love again i would be the one she comes to she knows my heart and knows how much i love her the worse thing i done was talk to a person at work about what happen with her husband and son she knows i didnt do that on purpose this women is got serious problems if she doesnt know how much i love her she has attacked me with letters and stuff and ive always just told her im sorry for anything she is goning through but she has to know in her heart i didnt cause this all ive done since this started is let her deal with it herself and told her i was ther for her if she needed me and shes like trying to blame me in some ways i have took a lot of hurt from her but it hasnt changed how i feel I REALY LOVE HER COMPLETELY i am trying so hard to not make it worse on her i beleive in god also and i think in her heart unless her husband wants out of the marrage she will never open back up to me i have prayed that god would take this love from me if we was not gona be together but it doesnt get any better so her husband went to jail and now im in jail also
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Well I must tell you an emotional jail is much more damaging than a physical jail can be and it's up to you to know when you've had enough of this emotional jail. She may blame you because she has no one else to blame but that is neither here nor there you don't deserve the blame and she should open her eyes and see that her husband is no good for her or their son that is why he isn't allowed to be around the son for a year because of his own actions and no one else put her where she is now he did and until she is ready to admit that she will always be in this rut. You have to be willing to wait as long as she needs time and if you can not bring yourself to do that then you will have no choice but to move on. What I am saying is only you know how much of this you can take and you have to be able to walk away on your own terms.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well we finaly talked and i told her i was realy sorry for talking about what had happen with her son and husband she told me she was sorry for writing me the note saying that i didnt care about her but she still just trerats me like anybody else. she didnt come to work today because shes going to court to see whats gona happen with her husband i realy miss her but i guess it is over i loved her alot ande still do but im not even a concern to her anymore seems like maybe she never loved me to begin with i dont know but i will always love her
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You just have to give her time to deal with all of the things she is dealing with the husband, the last we talked you said you loved her enough to give her time to work through everything has that changed? If it hasn't changed then you have to give her that time just because she talks to you does not mean that her problems have gone away, they are still there stressing her out. Try being there for her as a friend right now be her shoulder to cry on if she needs it. When a person loves someone and truly loves them they think about that other person's feelings before their own and when that person says they need time they give them that time without even another thought and if that love is one sided it is up to that person to realize when to cut their losses or when to keep holding on. She has alot on her plate right now and she is feeling overwhelmed and as though if she keeps seeing you she won't be able to work through those things.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well i gave her a letter yesterday telling her i still miss her and love her and that i pray for her and her son and if she needs anything to let me know. well today someone told me she was sitting there letting her freinds read the letter and they was laughing about it so i am gona move on she has betrayed me by letting her freinds read about my personal feelings i still love her but i cant be treated like that . she is realy turned out ot be mixed up person i cant beleive she would do this to me
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

If she is able to disregard your feelings that way then it's best that you move on and try to forget about her. She did the exact thing she got mad at you for letting your business be known to co workers and it's clear that she has double standards she can do it but you can not. I think you should chalk this up as a learning experience and take the steps I mentioned before to move on. She may always choose to be miserable with her husband but don't allow her to make you miserable also, show her that she missed out on a good thing. She is a mixed up person that will not get help until she realizes that her husband isn't any good for her and even then if she is willing to take him back after what he did with her own child in the car then you may not stand a chance.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

okay its been a while since i talk to you the other day outa the blue i get a text from her saying she will always love me and she misses me realy bad and that she would love to talk if i wanted to after nothing from her for over 2 months well i sent her one back saying yes i told you i will always love you and be here for you then she calls me and we talked for like 2 hours and got caught up she says she still wants to be with me and then tells me her husband has been outa jail for over a month and there back in the same house together so it seems weird we was together for 3 years and then her husband goes to jail she completely blocks me out he gets outa jail and now she wants to start talking again i dont know what to do she says she cant sneek around with me which is what i told her i didnt want to do anyways but she still is hiding from her husband to talk to me and at work she only gives me like 30 seconds and thats about it so what should i do just keep letting her stay there and talk to me or just tell her if she wants to be with me she need sto get away from her husband she says shes not certain about how to get with me but shes certain she wants to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me but now im kinda scared of her because all the pain ive been through and i told her this and she says what pain did i put you through nothing has changed i still love you so what are you affraid of but i guess i kinda dont trust her realy and if i tell her that she will proabaly not want to speak anymore so i am lost

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Definitely tell her that you will not even consider getting back with her unless she is away from her husband because if you accept her back and she is still with her husband that means she needs you in her life to fill a void that she can not get from her husband and you don't want to just be someone that fills a void but yet don't reap the benefits of filling that void her husband is, if she is so unhappy with her husband she has to final make that move to get away from that unhappiness moving on to someone else without closing that door means she will always leave that door open. In order for the two of you to really have a chance you have to give all of yourselves to each other not just part or one will still be unhappy. Don't hide your feelings tell her you are afraid to because of what happened before and you just need reassurance that it's not going to happen again. I think she is afraid to socialize with you at work in case it gets back to her husband but do you want a relationship like that?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well she tells me all the time she is certain she wants to be with me but she comes in to work in the mornings and gives me about 2 minutes before she says well i have to get to work and before all this happen she would call me 2 or 3 times a day and now she never calls me even though she tells me she will without me asking her too then when i ask her why she told me she would call me and didnt she always has some lame excuse she is pushing me away insted of working to get closer to me like she said she wanted too. the trust is damaged and i told her that. she says nothings changed she still loves me but it has changed she lies to me and she never done that, that i knew about anywayspeople who care nothing about this women know more about her than i do. i think shes never gona get out of this and do whats right.yet shes always telling me at work she loves me and she knows shes gona be with me. im just gona tell her that if this is what she has to offer me that i dont want it and im gona just move on .
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

well its been a while since i said anything but she is finaly starting to come around and look at me with that pretty smile again and we are talking she says she still wants to be with me and shes going too no matter what she has to do she just seems to have trouble getting away from her husband she doesnt seem to want to open up fully to me which is fine cause im not opening up yet till where both divorced i do wonder if we will ever be like we was i think i can but im not sure about her sometimes but anyway i stll love her i know that and i think she still loves me i guess i just have to wait i wont be divorced till april so maybe by then ill know exactly whats going on and hopefuly we can start to go out and eat together and stuff by then

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

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